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Am I emotionally cheating and should I leave

(39 Posts)
nats33 Tue 16-Jun-15 08:01:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purpleboa Tue 16-Jun-15 08:13:24

Sorry OP but I think you already know the answer to this one. This does not sound like a good relationship for you to be in, and I'm struggling to understand what's in it for you, if anything.

He sounds like my ex, I stayed on for ages cos I didn't want to be alone and thought I loved him. The relief when I left was huge. I met the man who is now my DH soon after - not on the rebound but because my heart was finally open for the right person.

Only you can decide what to do. But you sound so unhappy. He might be devastated to split up but in your own words, you are at a low ebb and my heart goes out to you. Plenty of hand holding here whatever you decide to do.

Purpleboa Tue 16-Jun-15 08:14:38

Oh and you are not emotionally cheating - if your current relationship was in good shape, this man would not even cause a flutter! So please take the guilt out of this.

HolgerDanske Tue 16-Jun-15 08:22:02

Uhm, I beg to differ. OP is well on the way to emotionally cheating.

That doesn't mean I don't understand how awful it is to find yourself in that place in a relationship. And it doesn't mean you aren't perfectly entitled to being with someone who makes you happy.

But you need to do this the right way round. First you make your peace with the fact that your relationship is over, then you become emotionally involved with someone else. That way you have behaved honourably toward your OH and in a way that allows you your self-respect.

nats33 Tue 16-Jun-15 08:25:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HellonHeels Tue 16-Jun-15 08:27:35

You are possibly emotionally cheating but at least it's opened your eyes to the wasteland that is your relationship. I'd get my finances sorted out and call the relationship off. Forget about the holiday; could you go with a friend instead? If not, write it off and go on your own - that would be preferable to going with your current partner.

It's OK to leave a relationship that isn't working for you. In fact, it's the best thing you could do.

nats33 Tue 16-Jun-15 08:27:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolgerDanske Tue 16-Jun-15 08:29:08

It's very difficult. I sympathise whole heartedly - I had to leave a man I still cared about and it's so, so hard to tell them when you know it will devastate them.

Joysmum Tue 16-Jun-15 08:29:33

Ask yourself if you could tell your husband about the texts and your dependence on them? The fact that you can't is because you know you've crossed a line and any action which requires being kept secret is betrayal.

Being in your marriage isn't satisfying you but that's no excuse to become a cheater.

Your marriage isn't happy so you either working towards making it so and not engage in any behaviour unacceptable to your husband, it you leave so you are free to do what you want.

HolgerDanske Tue 16-Jun-15 08:34:39

Yes, IMO you should stop talking to him until you figure out what you really want. Perhaps give it a two-week break so you can clear your head.

nats33 Tue 16-Jun-15 08:39:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolgerDanske Tue 16-Jun-15 08:42:59

I think sometimes it's too late to 'work' on a relationship - with all the best will in the world, you can't change the person, you can't change the entrenched ways in which they behave. Sometimes all you can do is accept that it's run its course and all the work in the world can't change that. But only you can decide which is the right thing for you to do. Do you think you can be happy again in this relationship?

nats33 Tue 16-Jun-15 08:51:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolgerDanske Tue 16-Jun-15 08:58:21

I think that says it all, really.

Sometimes we lose ourselves completely in fitting ourselves around another person. It might have been right for you for a while, but I think it's run its course.

twistletonsmythe Tue 16-Jun-15 08:58:51

I think you should leave him and spend some time on your own. Don't use this OM to prop yourself up. Spend 6 months single and then reassess how you feel.

HolgerDanske Tue 16-Jun-15 09:01:05

Be honest with yourself here, is there any way that you could be 'you' and still be with him? If not you need to end it now. That is a suffocating way to live and will slowly kill you off. If all it took for you to feel alive and in touch with the real you was for him to be away for a weekend, I think there must be quite a high level of dysfunction in the relationship. In which case you owe it to yourself to end it and breathe again.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 16-Jun-15 09:07:41

I don't think it matters whether the messages between you and your old friend contain anything dodgy. It's what's going on in your head that is the cheating. As you say, you know what it feels like so why would you do that to another person you care about? "He did it first" is no excuse; you've both moved on from that. I agree with those who say give the texting a rest until you've sorted out what to do with the relationship you're in. If the guy is really interested he'll wait for you.

As to your OH, are you just putting his bad side here to give yourself an excuse for being tempted, mixed with a little lukewarm praise to explain why you stayed with him so long? Or is he really that bad? Because if the former, I suggest you make yourself a proper, fair list of pros and cons and decide whether you would want to stay with him, in which case the contact with someone you have feelings for has to stop. If the latter, good grief woman, what are you waiting for? Get rid. It appears he has no interest in you having children, so if you want them, the sooner you leave and look for someone who can be happy with you and children the better.

I guess you're feeling 7 years of hard work on OH is an investment you were hoping would pay off eventually in a partner you don't have to nanny. He's not a project though. He's a human being. You can help him amend his behaviours but you can't change who he is. By the sound of it you've done him some favours, eg how he deals with his ghastly family, so maybe he will make a better partner for the next victim girlfriend. No doubt you have had some good times together, too, so you can't say the time was wasted. But if it's taken 7 years so far to get where you are, how many more years will it take before he becomes the man you are genuinely happy to live with? The average life expectancy in the UK is around 87 years. Will that be long enough, do you think?

nats33 Tue 16-Jun-15 09:09:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nats33 Tue 16-Jun-15 09:20:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shovetheholly Tue 16-Jun-15 09:26:19

There is nothing to feel guilty about in leaving a relationship that does not fill your needs and no longer makes you happy. It is up to him to set some boundaries in his relationship with his parents - he is a grown man and is more than capable of doing this for himself. You cannot 'rescue' him from them.

There is, however, something to feel guilty about in starting another relationship before you have left this one. That is far more disrespectful and hurtful to your current partner than simply leaving would be.

pocketsaviour Tue 16-Jun-15 15:13:02

Please don't go on the holiday with him - it will be AWFUL. You'll have none of your usual distractions, no friends or family around, you'll have to spend pretty much every waking moment with him. And all the while you knowing you're going to end it when you get home, and him knowing something's up and either constantly asking for reassurance or sulking.

As you can tell, I'm speaking from experience.

Honestly I would just tell him it's finished, you don't have enough in common any more, it's not you it's me, etc. He obviously knows something is wrong and if he finds out about the messages etc it could all end really messily and horribly. Start sorting out somewhere to live, split your finances etc, and then go on holiday on your own or with a friend for a break.

You have already helped him see his parents for the manipulative shits they are and you've helped him increase his friend circle. Your duty of care is more than satisfied, here. He now can stand on his own two feet, hopefully - but even if he falls, it's not your responsibility to pick up the pieces.

HolgerDanske Tue 16-Jun-15 15:35:43

I agree with the above. Wholeheartedly.

JimmyChoosChimichanga Tue 16-Jun-15 20:52:28

Be gentle but separate. Stay friends but have the life you want. Life is short!

HolgerDanske Tue 16-Jun-15 21:07:35

Be friendly but don't stay friends. It's too hard for the person who didn't want to split and leaves them in a horrible limbo where they're always thinking it might still work out.

nats33 Wed 24-Jun-15 16:51:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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