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Just keep quiet?

(5 Posts)
eeyoreandpoohbear Tue 16-Jun-15 07:08:20

I left my emotionally abusive husband, who was also a bully, nearly 2years ago. Divorce was nasty as he wasn't going to make anything easy for me, I walked away with very little but I am better off without him. 3dcs who live with me and see him most weekends, there is nothing set or regular I just get told by him which day he would like them. Since we left ex h and his parents take every opportunity to have a dig at me through the children, they have blamed everything on me(of course, I knew that was coming)and tell the children it was all my fault, they ask the children questions about what I am doing and generally make out I am not very capablesad my question is how do you deal with it? I know I am wasting my time saying something cause that will probably make it worse, so I have just kept quiet, listened to the children and reassured where appropriate. Any advice appreciated, thank you

twistletonsmythe Tue 16-Jun-15 07:28:10

how old are the children?

and contact needs to be organised and set - not just when he feels like it. The norm is eow and maybe one teatime during the week.

Do you have his abuse documented?

shoveitwherethesun Tue 16-Jun-15 07:30:27

I'm in a similar situation. I don't have any advice but wanted to bump the thread.

For what it's worth I'm not sure you can do much, other than what you're doing.

It's hard isn't it? But life is still better this way! smile

BridgeDweller Tue 16-Jun-15 07:57:02

Why put up with it? Tell each and every one of them that it stops as of now or contact stops without further notice.

You don't have to let this man continue to bully and abuse you and you don't have to let him do it to your children. You've also got every right to correct the lies told to and therefore by your children so far and to tell them the truth. There's no reason to be passive about this.

shovetheholly Tue 16-Jun-15 09:36:02

I think you should recognise their behaviour for what it is: a shameful attempt to use your children to make 'political' points within the relationship. Which is simply not on.

However, the right response is not to engage in more politics or oneupmanship, and certainly not to inflame the situation further. You are coparents, and you will continue to be so for some time. This relationship has to function practically for the childrens' sake. So continue to care for your children and nurture their needs in a rounded and holistic way, as you have been doing, and to ignore the gibes wherever possible. I realise that it is immensely frustrating and galling to be treated this way, but you have to put the interests of your children first. The most graceful thing to do is simply to ignore it and keep on keeping on.

Depending on their age, I also think you could perhaps begin to trust your children to deal with some of the emotional complexity here, for example explaining that daddy said something about mummy because he is still angry with her, but that both of you love them very, very much and will always be there for them. Children over the age of about eight are able to process simple versions of the truth, and will cut through situations with surprising clarity sometimes. (I remember finding situations that were not explained far more frightening than those that were).

However, I do think you could and should ask for a more formal arrangement at the weekends so you are more able to schedule some time for yourself.

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