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Advise on falling in love whilst with someone...

(17 Posts)
AmbleBramble Tue 16-Jun-15 00:37:25

To cut a long story short... I am in a realationship with someone who is a number Of years younger than me he's 23 and I'm 30 and although we have been in a relationship for only 16 months, he moved in very quickly. I wanted my own space and insinuated this but he was very insistent he stayed near every night. We moved in together after only 3 months of being together. I was just out of a really bad relationship with my ex of nearly 3 years at this point. Although I wasn't wanting anything serious I believed to seize the moment and see how things go. I feel guilty even writing his but I feel the relationship has lost its spark. We never sleep together, he's quite immature and when it comes to sex he kind o makes my skin crawl. I get annoyed with him very easily...sex lasts barely a minute if we do have and I feel like I'm getting all worked up over nothing... Like something is missing. Something that hasn't really been there at all. Like I feel like our connection should be stronger. Over the past 5 years I have known a man who has been in my life. He is near enough the same age as myself. We click. He is very sweet and he has always been there me through thick and thin. I have found myself to have fallen in love with him. I guess we have always known we were going to be together but not in the sense that I was to be unfaithful. I fell for him 4 years ago and because I bad timing things just couldn't be. We stopped talking for a good year or so... I was at a party not too long ago and he was there. All we did was talk and talk the whole night about the past and what were upto etc and now I just can't seem to get him off my mind at all. He told me he liked me a month or so again. I wanted to say the same back but I didn't want to initiate anything . When we briefly had a fling a few years back the sex was amazing. He was amazing but because I couldn't leave my abusive ex at the time it fizzled out. He's never had a girlfriend or even sleep with anyone since me and that was a good while ago...
When I wake up I think of him. When I sleep he's there in my head and I just can't seem to stop thinking of him. I feel bad about the situation. Part of me feels very guilty if I was to break it off with my boyfriend because at the moment we are going through I'vf (egg retrieval) treatment and I'm half way through and feeling very doubtful confused . My head is running circles. I was hoping someone with a similar situation or experience could help but I can't help but feel or know I could be so happ happy with him.

AlpacaMyBags Tue 16-Jun-15 00:39:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyVonCatsworth Tue 16-Jun-15 00:56:10

You appear to move quite quickly into relationships, intended or otherwise. You agreed to start the IVF treatment with current partner and yet these feelings have either just cropped up (perhaps due to other guy) or been gradually creeping up over time....?

If it was me, I'd break it off with current boyfriend and insist to the other man and yourself that there will not be any romantic relationship for a period of time. Give yourself time to be by yourself. Go date or stay single but avoid jumping straight into another relationship.

IME abusive relationships can have a tendency to need validation in some form by being in with a 'perfect' person and its easy to see things with rose coloured glasses, which again in my personal experiences, are never the case. If you so wanted space with current partner and he didn't respect that then you need to work on building your confidence and strength up.

Whatever you do, call time now on this current relationship.

mrstweefromtweesville Tue 16-Jun-15 01:07:14

Erm, hang on a bit. Put the on-off-once-we-had-a-great-shag man on one side for a moment.

The man you live with:
You didn't really want to live with him
He insisted on moving in
Sex only lasts a minute
He makes your skin crawl.

The answer to that problem is to throw him out, tomorrow, and mean it. Out of the house, out of your life. There see, so many of your problems solved in one move.

Now, IVF.
Can you continue with this if you split up with the skin-crawly man? Would you want to?

Other man:
When your life is tidy, why not? But sort out your own stuff first. Where are you living? Is it secure? Are you going ahead with IVF? That stuff. After that, think about a man.

FolkGirl Tue 16-Jun-15 06:34:42

Why are you doing ivf with someone you think is immature, you never wanted to live with, you don't have sex with and you'd like to finish with, ideally?

Can egg retrieval continue without him?

Don't rush straight from one 'serious' relationship to another. Get yourself sorted and build things with this other man slowly and from a distance (I realise it's pointless saying don't even think about him).

When people go from ine relationship to another, I always get the sense of a ball ricocheting. There's no control in it, it just happens.

Take back some control. If you don't want to be with your bf, end it.

Isetan Wed 17-Jun-15 06:54:34

Op you stop looking to possible future relationships to 'escape' the problems of your current. You're in need of some serious counselling as you have slept walked into situation that could have some serious repercussions, IVF with some who you describe as 'making your skin crawl' is irresponsible.

BolshierAyraStark Wed 17-Jun-15 11:40:56

You're going from one car crash to another, not a good course of action really.
Take some time to be on your own away from skin crawl bf & other bloke, sort your head out & then move onwards.

hoobygalooby Wed 17-Jun-15 11:51:34

Agree with all the above.
End your relationship with younger pushy makes your skin crawl guy.
Slam the brakes on the IVF
Take a breather (go on holiday, see friends, spend some time alone)
Then, if you still want to, call up sexy 'love of your life' guy, and see if things could progress there.
Good luck.

GatoradeMeBitch Wed 17-Jun-15 12:29:01

Dump him.

Ouchbloodyouch Wed 17-Jun-15 12:48:25

Why are you still with your boyfriend seriously why?? I just don't understand. hmm. Breaking up always feels shite whether you are the dumper or dumpee. Put on your big girl pants and do the decent thing and dump him.

nozzz Wed 17-Jun-15 12:53:40

Just be by yourself for while, relationships are not helping you.

Cabrinha Wed 17-Jun-15 12:53:52

Stop the IVF! Freeze the eggs if you want to, but FFS you can't have a child with a man that makes your skin crawl!

End that relationship, and worry about starting another when you're (a) single and (b) not in a mental place where you thinking starting a family with a man you don't like is in any way a good idea

FujimotosElixir Wed 17-Jun-15 12:57:23

you need to stop messing with peoples lives and live on your own for a bit.

hereandtherex Wed 17-Jun-15 13:02:21

You need to seperate, live on your own and grow the fuck up.

DownTownAbbey Mon 22-Jun-15 20:40:46

Have been in a relationship with a man who made my skin crawl. That is your gut instinct telling you he's a wrong'un!

The fact that he is pushy and has steam rollered you into cohabiting is worrying.

Get out before you get knocked up by this man (artificially or accidentally - it happens!).

You do not NEED a man to validate your existence and if you are worried about your biological clock just chillax. You are only 30!!! Freeze eggs as a PP suggests if it makes you feel better but clinging to 'Mr Creepy-Wham-Bam' because he's there and you don't want to be alone is depressing. If you're not loved up now how will you feel in 10 years trapped with a man you knew you didn't even like much back in your carefree, child-free 30's?

I hope you have the strength to do what you know your gut is telling you is the right thing.

Flakedorreadyrubbed Mon 22-Jun-15 20:46:23

Freeze your eggs. DO NOT FERTILIZE. Phone the clinic NOW and sort that out.

Oh hang on a min...

How long have you been trying for a baby??? Why would you have IVF with someone you've only known 16 months? If you're mid treatment now, your referral would have taken 3 months min assuming you're doing this privately and WAAAAAAY longer if NHS - so you went for IVF with a man you had been living with for at that point, 9 months?

Flakedorreadyrubbed Mon 22-Jun-15 23:36:50

And thus, the thread died.grin

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