Do you invite your ex husband to your child's parties?

[Thatslife72]

I could be in the wrong here, so I'm just asking you netmums, as I'll know you'll be honest.

In the early days of our separation 6 years ago of course my children's dad (ex husband) came to both my kids parties. I have met someone else and his children are the same age as mine so they are good friends and go to each other's parties. One year we had a bowling party for my son, my dp came along as well as his children, their dad came too it was really awkward and cringy but it was only a hour or so and we were all home again. Last year on my dd birthday it fell on his weekend to have them, she wanted her dad to sort a party to the cinema for her and I wasn't invited which was fine I did something with her when I had her back. This year her birthday falls on his weekend again but she wanted a BBQ here so my dp's kids could come so I said no problem you do something nice with your dad and we'll have a BBQ the weekend after, so she's invited a couple of friends this weekend we'll have a BBQ just me my dp his children (my son) and a few of her friends at my house.

Ex husband dropped them off Sunday and in front of them said what's happening Saturday what time shall I come? I was a bit gobsmacked tbh I didn't know what to say in front of the kids. He said he'll turn up at some point to see how going. I feel really uncomfortable, I know it's not about me and my dp but it's in my home I don't hate him but I don't want to stand and talk to him while it's just me and dp there. My dd is 12 she's not going to be hanging around him like she did at 4 she's going to be mingling with her friends.

What do people think about this, should he be coming to his dd party no matter what, or is he being a tad controlling and imposing a bit. I will just say myself and dp are buying a house together and moving in all together later on in the summer so ex husband maybe feeling a bit pushed out. I'm just annoyed he's invited himself?!!

[Thatslife72]

No he had her over her birthday weekend though, so he's not coming to say happy birthday and he's having them Sunday as it's Father's Day!

[mrstweefromtweesville]

I did, but he only came to one. Then he engineered to be out of the country on her birthday, every year. He died this year. She's 33.

I wish he'd been more interested in her. I don't know how this relates to your situation, OP. Maybe I want to encourage you to include her dad if he's willing.

[Thatslife72]

Oh that's awful it really is, but that's not really the same as my situation as he did have her for her birthday he sees her regularly, he does bother with them but it's different coming to a BBQ I've arranged for the weekend after her birthday . Don't forget he had her her whole birthday weekend spent time with his side of the family, I wasn't invited and didn't expect to be. This weekend is how I see it my chance to celebrate her birthday as I didn't see her!!!

[Smorgasboard]

Have the guts to tell him straight. He's already celebrated her birthday and this is your time because you missed it. I tolerate my ex, but I wouldn't invite him in your circumstances. I think it's fair that you don't feel he should be there - mind you, I would not have mentioned the BBQ at all - though am aware that your DD may have let that slip to him.

[Thatslife72]

Yeh smorgasboard, she mentioned it I didn't at all! That's why I was shocked too!

[Smorgasboard]

Kids, they can drop you in it sometimes. I'm sure as long as you make him feel as uncomfortable as possible, his stay will be short and he won't repeat invite himself. Will have to make it clear to your DD that he's not invited in future, but may be tied to a few uncomfortable minutes this year.

[AcrossthePond55]

Wait a minute….did you just call us vipers 'netmums'? Just for that, whatever you believe, you're WRONG!

Seriously, if DD wants him there and he can be trusted not to act like an ass, what's the problem? Isn't it better that she sees that you can all get along and put her first? Isn't that better than worrying over who had her 'more' for her birthday?

If it really bothers you, then have an honest discussion with him about 'shared' vs 'separate' birthdays in the future. I'm sure he is under the impression that you're OK with him being there. DD probably asked him if he was coming, and he assumed it was OK with you.

[kidks]

Thatslife, I have so been in your shoes. I let my ex come to bday parties in the early days then the tug around who has DS on his bday etc it's all super difficult. It has improved for a while but now coming up to 18 yrs I don't know how much he will want get involved for big bdays ...

My take on this is slightly different. It's one day, perhaps only an hour or so, be the bigger person, be the cool parent, let him come, be polite, be welcoming - he will still feel the outsider and he will go at some point. Your DS will love and respect you for it.

[Atenco]

Mmm, I honestly don't see why you should have him there, OP.

[lexyloub]

I'm assuming your dd has told him about it because she wants him there. Let him come he'll probably feel more uncomfortable than you but he's willing to feel uncomfortable for the sake of his daughter

[Thatslife72]

Whoops sorry don't know why I said netmums I don't even go on there lol mumsnet is sooo much better ;-)

It's not that I'm worried about who has her more, I'm quite happy for her dad to have her pretty much when he wants within reason. I think what annoyed me was I arranged a little party for her a week after her actual birthday and he invited himself, it just bugged me. The thing is my dd will always want him there of course she would, no matter what it was if I asked both of them would you like your dad there both of them would answer yes everytime. We do invite him to school plays, sports days etc etc, it was just this time was really supposed to be just us for once, cos it is very awkward having him there as the 3rd adult. He's very sarcastic and also doesn't speak to anyone.

The problem is also in the 6 years we've been separated he hasn't had a girlfriend well not serious enough to introduce to the kids anyway and sometimes I wonder if he's moved on, he bought me a strange card on my birthday saying I'm still looking good! My present dp didn't really say anything but it adds to the awkwardness and part of me wonders if he wants to cause trouble. I could just let him come for a short time, but he doesn't really get the hint and will stay forever knowing him as it's not really a party that ends as it's a sleepover too lol.

[LittleDecoRing]

My eldest lives with her dad. I go to her birthday every year and still get on well with ex and his family. I try not to do anything which will make his wife feel uncomfortable, although it's been many years now. To be included with no resentment or suspicion regarding my motives (I hope!) and contributing to the parties (cake, party bags etc) means the world to me.

My advice would be to roll with it, it's once a year and soon your DD won't want her parents involved at all. I understand you wanted the celebration to yourself, so maybe next year just take her out to lunch or shopping just the two of you. Best of luck.

[Treemuskears]

What's in the best interests of your children?

[Anniegetyourgun]

The title of this thread is a little misleading. You didn't invite him to a party. He invited himself. The cheeky fecker. I'd be too cross to be diplomatic. To be fair I'd probably have been too taken aback when he first said it, as you were, but would have to get a message to him later to say "no, that doesn't work for us, it's not that kind of party". If it were her main birthday celebration it would be a different matter. Last year you did a big party, her dad being there may have been awkward but as long as he behaved reasonably well and it made her happy it seems fair enough. This year you're both doing small private arrangements. You didn't go to his. But he's got to be there for yours? Pfft.

(I'm not projecting on this one btw because XH never invites himself to parties.)

[Thatslife72]

That's true it is a bit misleading I guess, the fact he invited himself wound me up . Last year he had her on her birthday weekend he had a party for her but I didn't go I just took her out for a nice lunch when I did have them. So as he had them over her birthday weekend rather than going out for dinner I thought we'd eat at home, then we invited a few of her friends and was it, I wasn't really thinking of it as a birthday party as such.

It's alright saying what's best or the kids or what's in their best interest, believe me I've always have put them first or let them do what they want regarding their dad and family situations, including spending Xmas day on my own so they could be with their dad and cousins. But were do draw the line with these things?

I will think of some compromise this time, but I will also let him know I'm not happy with the way he approached things, especially in front of the kids, that's not thinking of their best interest either cos he made it an issue in front of them, he should of spoke to me separately !

[NorthernLights33]

Do you think dd told him she was having a big party and asked him to come? Perhaps you could explain to him that its just a big sleepover for the kids only and not actually a party with other grown ups and you and DP would be the only adults there so he doesn't need to come?

[Thatslife72]

I guess it's possible northernlights but I did specify when he mentioned it that it was just us 2 and a sleepover, he still insisted on coming pfffttt. I wouldn't want to if was me tbh I'd rather do things separately unless it was a big party were other adults were there. Oh well !

[AcrossthePond55]

At this point, it's done. I don't think I'd take him to task over what's already happened, per se. But I agree that a discussion of what's going to happen in the future is called for if you don't want a repeat. I just think I'd approach it with 'We need to decide whether or not there will be joint birthday or separate birthday parties".

A wise woman once told me that you should always give the other person a 'graceful out' in a disagreement. Treat this as if DD had invited dad rather than him inviting himself. But tell him that in the future, an invitation must come directly from either of you, not from the children. And that if a child does invite the other parent, that parent needs to say 'We'll see' and talk to the hosting parent quietly first.

[MakeItRain]

I think it's fine to say that's it's not his weekend and not even your dd's birthday. You're no longer a couple and your daughter is old enough to understand that. She'll be fine with her friends. I would call him and say he's not included, just as you weren't included last week.

[SayThisOnlyOnce]

I don't think he should come. You separated for a reason, you don't have to put up with his company any more.

I'd contact him and say 'plans for this weekend have changed, no adults invited any longer! Kids looking forward to seeing you on x date'.

[abearcalledpaddington]

Cant you just tell him?......

[Sadit]

How is he to know if you don't tell him?
You are no longer a couple and he shouldn't assume.
Tell him he had her for her birthday weekend so this weekend is solely for you and if you want him there in future you will invite him yourself.
If he argues remind him you are separated and have to celebrate occasions in your own way.
It is ok to say be the better person and its in the child's interests but sometimes you have to look after yourself too.

[WeirdCatLady]

what Sadit said

[Thatslife72]

Well I have emailed him, just to say how shocked I was he invited himself in front of the kids like he did. I explained as he had them over her birthday weekend, I wasn't really thinking of it as a big party but more of a few of her friends round at home and a sleepover with my dps kids too. I said I didn't invite him because it was only a quiet affair and I didn't think he'd really want to come as it was just me and dp there (adult wise) and I pointed out he had a party for her last year and I didn't go and he did his own thing at the weekend so I was too.

He replied quite quickly with, I didn't realise your plan was because I had her over her birthday weekend you would then arrange a party without me, I'm her dad I've a right to be there and they want me there.

I apologised and said if it was a big birthday party for her of course he was invited, just like any other major event but this time it was for just us my dps children and a few of her best friends and it wasn't really appropriate him be there. I've heard nothing else whoops.

I've chatted with my 2 children explained as best I can without slagging off their dad, they seem quite happy and obviously they'll be seeing him on Sunday for Father's Day anyway! I have to draw the line somewhere and he can't just invite himself to things like that now, that's how I feel. It's going to be awkward now between us but cest la vie. At least I can get back to enjoying the weekend and not dreading it, which btw is also in the children's interest.