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I am jealous of someone whose DH left them

(17 Posts)
HepAlien Mon 15-Jun-15 19:59:12

I am wholly aware how awful this makes me.

A family friend who, like me, is in her mid 30's with two small children. Her H left abruptly for an OW late last year. She was devastated.

She has now met someone and it is clear that they are madly in love (yes it's partly via FB that I'm seeing this. I know it's the work of the devil and I should de-reg).

Anyway, every other weekend (while her ExH has kids) she is at gigs, fancy restaurants, on mini breaks abroad and doing endless fun things with her new man.

Meanwhile I haven't been out socially in two years due to having no friends. Have no family nearby and have a calm cosy matey flatmate like sex free relationship with DP. And it has fleetingly crossed my mind that I might feel partly relieved if DP did run away with an OW blush sad . It's not likely though. He's a good man and a great father. My best (only) friend. A good man who I just don't fancy anymore. Which is a big problem for me as I can't accept the idea of spending the rest of my life without sex or doing it once a week just to keep him happy.

Please don't flame me. I feel utterly crap. It seems like the two options going forward are

1) continue as we are with growing resentment probably on both parts but as successful co-parents.

Or 2) I initiate a split which would be awful for everyone and esp DD (DS is too little to be aware) when I'm not even 100% sure it's what I want.

I guess option 3 is trying to recapture whatever sexual spark we used to have but I'm not sure that's possible. Or indeed what I want.

Can anyone understand or relate to what I'm feeling? Or am I a straight up sociopath.

pocketsaviour Mon 15-Jun-15 20:05:15

If the relationship isn't actively bad and he's a good dad, then I'd say it's worth trying to rekindle things. I know the idea of sex counselling is a bit cringe, but if that's what you need, surely it's worth trying.

Did you fancy him when you first got together, BTW? Have you changed your birth control since then, or any other medication which may affect hormone levels, e.g. some ADs?

carolinecupcake Mon 15-Jun-15 20:06:27

I can totally relate to you. The social aspect doesn't bother me so much cos I have good friends who I meet regularly. But it's the sex less, not communicating, indifferent co - existence that really gets to me. Basically we just live under the same roof and do absolutely nothing together! Sometimes I wish he'd find someone else and just leave me in peace!

motherinferior Mon 15-Jun-15 20:08:07

I don't think you're a sociopath.

I spent my early 20s with someone I really hoped would leave me. Finally I got the courage to ditch him. Broke his heart but I've never once regretted it.

I know lots of posters will tell you to regain the spark, date nights and couple time etc etc....but I think if that isn't what you want, you should consider leaving. You really don't sound happy. LTRs are always going to be a bit boring but there are limits.wink

HepAlien Mon 15-Jun-15 20:09:31

pocket yes I did. Moreso because of the connection we shared than that he was my physical type. He wasn't and probably isn't now. And I feel like the connection has somewhat diminished along the way.

We get on great but it's just the monotony of dinner, Netflix, separate beds (I co-sleep with DS) every single night. I feel like life is passing me by. It's so selfish but I want more.

charliefarley22 Mon 15-Jun-15 20:09:40

Me too
Slightly different as my H is emotionally abusive but I know the longing for a different life like your friend has. I fantasise about the conversation if he had someone else and how understanding I would be. Stupid thoughts like this probably take up about 80% of my thoughts. So no advice sorry, but you are not alone.

mrstweefromtweesville Mon 15-Jun-15 20:32:18

I remember a post just like this last year. Maybe its a common phenomenon.

Romeyroo Mon 15-Jun-15 20:43:18

Well, I am a single parent of two and my life is nothing like your friends. I think if the relationship is not damaging you, I think it is worth trying to save, at least in the first instance.

You might meet sexy new man, yes, but what about when he gets familiar too? You describe your DH as your best (only) friend. Would it not be a good idea to think about just finding maybe a new friend or two, thinking about childcare and whether you and your DH can go for a mini break, getting your own life back a bit? Then think about whether it is DH who is the problem or just the reality of life with small children.

If your DH is a decent and good man, who you describe as your best friend, it would be utter madness to not try to sort things because of someone else's FB fantasy life, which does not show you the half of it.

That is not saying try indefinitely, but think through if DH is actually the issue here or whether it is life circumstances which can be addressed in some other way. And hide this friend in the meantime - that is her life, not yours

TheLastCarnival Mon 15-Jun-15 20:56:09

No, you're not alone I would be overjoyed if my OH announced he was leaving me, not likely to happen in a million years unfortunately he knows which side his bread is buttered!

Can you talk to him about how you feel?

eddielizzard Mon 15-Jun-15 20:58:42

i totally relate. i won't be doing anything about it, but sometimes i think 'my god, is this really it for the rest of my life????'

Twinklestein Mon 15-Jun-15 21:03:17

From a practical PoV if you don't have any friends, what are going to do if you split from you dp? I don't see how that would improve your life. It will just be you and your kids.

If you want to go out to restaurants and gigs then why not do so with your dp?

At the same time make an effort to build up a network of friends around you who you and dp can socialise with.

You're in charge of your life, if it's not how you want it to be then change it.

dementedma Mon 15-Jun-15 21:05:38

Wish mine would leave me. 28 years is more than enough

BreadmakerFan Mon 15-Jun-15 21:10:47

Why are you staying in an unhappy relationship? Value yourselves, please.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 15-Jun-15 21:15:39

It may be that you need to consider whether there is any future in your current relationship. Can I say, that when 'D'H's decide to behave badly, ie cheat, leave for OW, or in my case sign up for online dating, it might be a different story. It felt, for me, like my power had been taken away. Feeling helpless is not good, so take control now, would be my advice, and be proactive about what you want to happen. Be careful what you wish for!

BabyGanoush Mon 15-Jun-15 21:19:33

All the people who broadcast super happy relationships on FB have something to prove, or something to hide, or both!

"Look at me suckers, I am having so much fun"

Don't swallow it wholesale.

You can make your life seem anything on FB.

If you want to go out and fun, just do it.

ImperialBlether Mon 15-Jun-15 21:20:41

I would try really hard to make the marriage work, tbh. Although I've always suggested someone leaves their husband on here when there's violence or immense disrespect, that's not what you're dealing with here.

First I'd try to resolve the problem of separate beds. I think that's the biggest intimacy killer. You say your marriage is sex free then say you do it once a week to keep him happy. Why not try to nourish an adult-to-adult relationship with your husband where you see each other as adults rather than just as parents?

Snow1 Mon 15-Jun-15 21:24:40

To me it sounds like you can do a lot to try and sort things before just leaving. If nothing else then having no friends mean it will be difficult to meet others since you'll not have ways to meet others that way.

I think the problem with a lot of relationships is people forget what is outside them. Go out and have fun with other friends - make them if needed. Then you'll get a lot of stuff that will make your life more exciting. It will also give you more energy to do stuff with your other half and get you out of the routine you're stuck in. If it's only the two of you doing the same stuff of course things will be boring. It's just unhealthy to only hang out with one person. My friends who seem to have the strongest and most fun relationships are the ones that involve other people in their life/ go out and do stuff with others. It keeps things fresh.

You're also missing out on a lot of the stress and crap that friend probably went through to get that relationship which will last a few years like that and then become like any other relationship again. And how many people just become bitter and twisted through a breakup? It depends on the type of person you are, and the type of person you chose, but it is in no way "most likely" that you will end up like this other person you're watching and not that.

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