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trying to get the love and intimacy back after a baby.

10 replies

startrek90 · 15/06/2015 19:56

How do you do it? DS is 8 months old. We love him to bits but I feel we are not as close as we once were. Sex has dropped considerably and it's not as good. We just don't have much to say to each other anymore. How do you get the spark back? Or is this how it will always be? I love DH and I know he loves me we just don't know how to find each other.

Are we doomed?

OP posts:

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redexpat · 15/06/2015 20:06

Youre not doomed so dont panic. But a baby is a massive adjustment. Do you have marriage time or date night or whatever you want to call it? Time put aside for just you two. If you can get a babysitter then even better.

Is DH as bothered about it as you are?

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redexpat · 15/06/2015 20:08

just reread the bit about finding each other. can i recommend the marriage course? It creates a safe space to discuss your relationship and gives tools to help rekindle the spark.

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Joysmum · 15/06/2015 20:12

Have you had the 'I love you so much but I feel having DS means being parents has over taken our needs as a couple. I'd love us to try to regain some of how things were. What do you think?' conversation?

I think a declaration of love followed by a wish to improve could only be a good thing. You regain closeness even just from this.

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WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 15/06/2015 20:19

I still feel a bit like this and DD is 19 months and I'm 37 weeks pregnant with no 2 (conceived on the only time we managed to have sex in a 2 month period, while I was on the pill!). I think the problem for me is that I feel boring and like I have nothing to talk about other than DD and what she does. We're guilty of not making time for ourselves. Do you have babysitters nearby/available?

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Newquay · 15/06/2015 20:20

Well you've made a good start by simply acknowledging it. I'm in same boat with dc2 of 8 months and we've just started to get things back on track. As another thread suggests, you can try to fake it intimacy wise (tough but I think it'll make dh feel better - it works for mine!). And I really had to go for it: we set aside a night for us where we attempt to go to bed early, bought cowshed 'horny cow' candle, went in spare room (so no sleeping baby nearbyaking my boobs spurt milk. Not that sexy). And mentally I had to really try to think myself into a sexy mindset. I tried to read some porn erotica - but couldn't find anything brilliant. Also bought myself a new bra n pants set - not a baby feeding one! Anyway we've achieved it twice and I'm feeling far more positive - after feeling totally same as you are now. Oh and really good chocolate helps too. Good luck, sounds like you are on track :). Just so hard when you're so so so SO tired :)

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Sickoffrozen · 15/06/2015 20:22

This is a very common problem. Give it time, talk a bit, hold hands and cuddle even if no sex at the end. Lots of couples experience this and it can take some time to sort itself out.

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juneau · 15/06/2015 20:27

After a baby spontaneity goes out of the window and you're both probably exhausted, so you have to make an effort. Go out, if you can. If you have willing babysitters nearby, use them. Otherwise, and if you can afford it, find someone you trust. Ask around other parents you know locally for ideas of people you could approach. Even if you're still BF-ing and can only go out for three hours at a time - do it. You've got to try and re-create something of that life you had before your DS arrived. See friends, if you can. Be the couple you used to be. And if sex isn't happening, schedule it. Its better than the alternative.

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Guyropes · 15/06/2015 21:37

Have you been breastfeeding at all? I found that it affected my hormones so I just wasn't interested at all. If your hormones are just not playing the game, you might experience vaginal dryness, which can make sex less fulfilling. Try a lubricant?

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DirtyDancing · 15/06/2015 23:01

I think for me the turning point, well actually turning points(!) were when I got some of my independence back. I went back to work, joined a local choir, booked a walking weekend away with friends, started up my social life again, lost some of the baby weight. All these things started to happen really after my LO was 12 months.

Do you feel ready for some 'you' time yet? Then some couple time?

I felt more me. Like I had more to talk about, a bit more confident. I feel DH and I are are more back on track now. That was my experience.