Painful Text From My 32 Year Old Daughter.

[ukusa1950]

I am a woman who was born and raised in Manchester, England who moved to the United States in 1978. Been married for 36 years. I have three children. A son 34, and two DD's age 33, and 20.

My oldest DD lives with her boyfriend roughly 200 miles away from us, and I know for a fact that it is a rocky relationship and has been for the past year and a half. She has had at least three broken long term relationships. Late last night I sent her a text asking if she had met up with my youngest DD at a concert she was supposed to attend with her in Atlanta (my youngest had arranged with her older sister to go together and had purchased tickets). She replied to my text that she had a botox appointment first thing in the morning and a meeting she had to attend so didn't go to the concert. I just replied with an "OK" and left it at that. I fully understood she had other more important things she had to do for work, and lifestyle, so didn't think any more of it. Three mins later I get another text from my oldest DD, and it says...."I FUCKING HATE YOU". I was instantly shocked and replied "why???". She then went on a rant about what a terrible mother I had been and that I was a crazy bitch who had ruined her life, and I was the main reason why all her relationships fail. She told me I was the main reason she never did normal things like chit chat on the phone like all her friends do with their mothers, and that she never wanted to speak to me ever again. She also said that I was the reason she could never have children because she believes that she is a crazy bitch like me, and would never do that to her kids. I replied that I was so sorry if I had ever hurt her or her feelings as a child, and to forgive me if I had. She told me to "stop typing" and to never contact her again. I showed her dad the text, and he thought that she was drunk and fighting with her boyfriend. I tried to call her but she didn't answer my call. I know that my daughter and her boyfriend drink whisky and they smoke. My husband and I have an occasional glass of red wine, do not smoke, and are basically boring. I cried for about an hour after this text, and finally fell asleep around 3 am. When I woke this morning I tried to call her again to see if she was ok, and she didn't answer. I also text her this message...."I can't stop thinking about your message to me last night and I would like us to get together to talk about what is bothering you. I truly love you, and want to discuss what is hurting you. Do you have any vacation time coming up that you could take off for a couple of days? We could go to the beach and try to reconnect as mother and daughter again. Please give me a chance...I can't stand to know you are hurting and would do anything to make it better." I didn't get a reply.

Can anyone relate to this or give me some advice on how to handle this situation? I am totally gutted and don't know how to deal with it. My other two children look up to me, and have never talked to me like that. I know I wasn't the perfect mother. I did shout at the kids a lot, and occasionally had to punished them. My husband was away with his job for weeks at a time, and I had no family close to relieve some of the stress. I kept active with the children. My son had baseball, and my eldest DD was a national baton twirling champion and trained 3 to 4 hours every night at the gym which I know was grueling work for her. I could see that she didn't like it, and I wanted her to quit, but my husband said that she had a great talent, and that if I let her quit she would forever be a quitter. She continued, and ended up with a full scholarship to college as their "Feature Twirler" for the band and I was proud of her achievements. However, I feel that she blames me for not letting her quit, and that she hated me for making her continue. What should I do?

[pallasathena]

Been there! Its called unconditional love...meaning, she knows she can say what she likes, project all her hurt on you and you'll still love her.

Advice: set some boundaries. Some adult kids have a victim mentality and everything in their lives that isn't fantastic is all your fault. Its a bye product of the entitlement culture and if you roll over each time she tries to hurt you your mental health will be in pieces.

You've done the right thing, offering to reconnect, wanting to talk it through but if she isn't interested, there's nothing much you can do except keep the door open and detach, detach, detach.

Check out wisewomenunite on line. Its full of similar stories and wonderful advice. Sadly, parental abuse by adult kids is a modern day epidemic.

Stay strong and hugs to you.

[holeinmyheart]

First of all stop contacting her and wait. You have told her how you feel and that you want to contact her, the continuing trying to contact her is not giving her enough space to reflect on what she has done to you.

There are two outcomes here. One she reflects and thinks OMG what have I done ? and you hear from her shortly.

And then there is outcome two, where she thinks she has a genuine grievance against you and it drags on for years, etc etc. until she realises that no Parent is perfect and you did your best.

Whatever the outcome, however much you tear your hair out it won't make any difference to either outcome. So try and relax and get on with your life.
Bearing in mind that you only have one life and you die if you worry, and you also die if you don't worry. Get some help from your GP if you can't sleep.

I would stop contacting her. Maybe write one last note in the form of a letter saying that you love her and you will always be there for her, and then leave it at that. Always acknowledge her Birthday and Christmas but no more pleading, as it will do no good.
Sorry you are in this situation. Xx

[goddessofsmallthings]

It sounds as if you and her df were hard taskmasters and your eldest may be acting out in a manner more appropriate to those years where she felt forced duty bound to spend countless hours twirling batons and had little or no opportunity to be a teenager.

Years of simmering resentment can cause feelings to boil over and all you can do is suck it up and don't pressure her into particpating in mother & daughter bonding/reconnecting sessions or similar as they're not likely to go well at the present time.

I hope you'll resist any temptation to offload whatever you may be feeling to either/both of your other 2 dc because this is strictly a matter between you and your eldest and the last thing she wants to hear is that her siblings are perfect and she's ungrateful.

[TommySlimfigure]

Did she /does she feel you wanted her to look out for your younger daughter (her sister) but feeling that you aren't looking out for her?

I don't know! The "I fucking hate you" must have been triggered by something even if her reaction is extreme and/or unreasonable.

[Pinkballoon]

I would tell her you love her and want to meet to talk for her to tell you what she feels. And as another poster mentioned, keep sending birthday and Christmas stuff.

[mrstweefromtweesville]

Take deep breaths and carry on with your own life. That's all you can do!

[eddielizzard]

i would text back and say 'i respect your need for space. just know that i always love you no matter what, and will always be here for you, when you are ready.' and then don't do anything.

she does need the space to understand things, and if you keep calling that makes you the bad guy who's not listening to her.

agreed, do the birthday / christmas stuff. she's clearly got things to work through. let her come back to you in her own time.

[pocketsaviour]

So she asked you to stop contacting her, and then you called her multiple times and texted her. Great way to respect her need for space.

[Chocolateporridge]

Are you sure the messages were typed by her and not her partner? It just sounds a bit odd to me, like maybe someone trying to push you away? Do you know anyone who lives nearby who could discretely check on her well being?

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

Pocket I kind of see where you are coming from, but if this came out of the blue, I can understand the OP firstly asking what was wrong, and then wanting to make amends by any way at all- in those circumstances, you might wonder if she was ok, or if what she wanted was an apology. It wasn't clear from the outset of the evening that it would end up with a no contact situation. However, I completely agree with you that the contact has to stop now. She's made it very very clear that she doesn't want to have contact with you. This may be unfair and unreasonable from your perspective, but that doesn't matter, even if it hurts so much. I think now is the time to leave her alone to work out what she wants, and if that's no contact for a while, then that's the way it will be.

If you were essentially a good mum, but made some bad decisions or ones you now look back on and regret, she may come to see that in time. On the other hand, there may be other things going on in her life that are driving a wedge between you and her- unstable relationships, drinking, who knows?

I don't think I would handle this very well, I certainly wouldn't quit contact with my eldest child over a few late night texts, but if she is silent in the morning, I don't think there's much else you can do except be sad and wait to see how it pans out.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

And- while it would be reassuring to know she was ok (as in alive and well), I don't think you should pass messages through your other children. It's very difficult when family members become estranged, I hate getting involved myself in other people's fall outs in my family.

[Atenco]

If you were essentially a good mum, but made some bad decisions or ones you now look back on and regret

Is there anyone any better than that in real life?

OP, so sorry this has happened to you but it is so common nowadays for adults to blame their parents for all their own wrong decisions.

Hopefully the rest of your family can at least keep you informed about her well-being.

[ukusa1950]

Thank you so much for you wise advice. I appreciate it more than you all know. I agree with the consensus that I should leave the matter be for now, and let the air settle. If nothing happens then I will have to deal with it, and realize that it is her choice to be estrange not mine. I do like the idea of keeping in touch with birthday cards, and Christmas. I will not mention DD text to my other two children as like many advised, it would only cause a rift. Thank you sincerely, again.

[catzpyjamas]

Are you really sure she sent those texts herself? I would be checking on her and SPEAKING to her if this behaviour is out of character.
for you for being on the receiving end of such cruel messages.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

If they mention it to you, I would be honest or at least honest enough to say there has been harsh words and you are now not in contact, but that you hope to be in the future, and you will keep out of relationships between the three of them. I wouldn't necessarily say nothing at all, it may become embarrassing, but I agree the contents of the text and what was said was for you (and i would tell my husband like you did and ask him what to do).

Atenco I agree with you, most people are just doing their best and mums in particular can come in for some harsh criticism and blame I think.

[Wept4dobby]

Something doesn't sit right with me here. Your description of her, and her drinking, and comparison of her and her partner to you and your DH sounds very detrimental and negative. Almost as if you are tutting at her and shaking your head whilst thinking " she's messing up again" I could be completely wrong, and by no means am I an expert, but I think that maybe there is something you're not accepting fault for, or possibly not vocalising.

The truth always comes out when you're drunk in my experience, and your description of why you contacted her and how you dealt with the situation that arose after sounds a bit iffy.
Something would of had to ignite that reaction from her. Was there really nothing in the build up? Perhaps she has had enough of being made to feel like the black sheep who fails at everything in the eyes of her "boring" well to do parents and wants to get rid of the negativity which the relationship with you is so obviously causing.

[crassula]

Does she has form for this?

Does she do the same thing to anyone else?

I'm just asking because it's something I used to do a lot (particularly to my mother), and it was part of a much bigger thing. I felt I had been treated unfairly and harshly by my parents, and I reacted, in my thirties, much like your daughter seems to be doing. Whilst I can sort of see how it's justified (I still believe I spoke the truth in these messages), it was part of a mania that meant I very desperately needed help.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

You must feel the context you've given here is relevant or you wouldn't have posted it. I wonder if she feels your clear disapproval of her choices seeps into your everyday relationship? That, plus what seems to be a highly driven and achievement based childhood. I dunno, maybe she has a point?

[Dontunderstand01]

OP you sound similar to my parents.i am sure you love your daughter very much and believed you were doing what was best for her. Many parents felt that encouraging children not to drop activities would give them character and show them the benefits of tenacity. Sadly, this can result in the child feeling alienated, and as though they can't trust their parent, as they believe their iwn desires are being ignored.

I do feel for you OP, the mistakes ylu have made were undoubtedly well intended. As a new mum myself I will do evefything I can for my son, but no doubt he will see things differently.

[VenusAsAChild]

Having experienced this as a family member (my brother did this to our parents, I wont go into the detail) it can be the case that someone else has added to or created the fire that is burning. Perhaps she is protecting herself from him, by attacking you. For reasons as yet unknown.