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If this a affair / start of affair

(93 Posts)
Rainbowsky123 Mon 15-Jun-15 15:07:03

Oh crap, where to begin?

My heart is pounding so this maybe a little jumbled.

H got a hand me down iphone two weeks ago. He has synced his phone to his iPad as it pings every time I message him.

He has always been open with his phone and so have I. We both have the same pincodes and we often ask each other to reply to each other's texts if we are busy.

His iPad was left on the desk from last night on the little case stand upright. I have just been at the pc and a message pinged up and lit up the screen and it read "start thinking of excuses now ready for Friday I really want to see you"
The message disappeared off the screen so I unlocked the iPad and there is messages, stream off messages off a woman starting the time he goes to work until he gets back home.
They are not overly inappropriate but full of sweethearts off him and Huns from her. But overly friendly than I am comfortable with.
And they start and end with can text now, then can't text back home now.

What the hell do I do? I need answers as these are red flags aren't they?

I could just sit and watch it unfold as I can see both sides of the conversation BUT I don't have time on my side, we are moving house soon exchanged contracts on sale and purchase. We go in a month, I can not do this without him due to mortgage I am well short of cash as we are moving to a bigger house.

As far as I am aware he has not cheated before but there was a incident of some kind about 7/8 years ago when he was meeting a female colleague behind my back, told me he was meeting a friend for a game of pool. Left his facebook page open on the messages the day before the meet and I put a stop to whatever it was before it happened.

Any words of wisdom ladies? I handled it so wrong last time and I can't do that again. He lied and I found out nothing at all. I can't go there again as it took a long time to get that trust back.

JugglingLife Mon 15-Jun-15 15:11:44

Christ Rainbow, that sounds horrid and not at all good, I haven't any experience but the mumsnet jury will be along shortly I'm sure. Thinking of you.

pocketsaviour Mon 15-Jun-15 15:22:52

He's not very good at this, is he?

OK, what do you want to happen? Do you want incontrovertible evidence lined up so you can leave? If that's the case, I would keep schtum for now, keep checking his messages, and either turn up at their meet on Friday (preferably so you can chuck something that stains over both of them - beetroot juice would work well) or if you can't find out where it is, follow him or have him followed.

Or, you know, you can just leave anyway. You don't need evidence to leave a relationship (although you do if you want to divorce for adultery - but that's pretty pointless.)

I'm not really getting the vibe from what you've posted that you want to retain the relationship at all?

Ohfourfoxache Mon 15-Jun-15 15:23:30

Can you stall the house move?

I know this is not what you want to hear, but as an outsider I would advise seeing a solicitor as a safety net/precaution.

Do you have dc?

tellmesomething Mon 15-Jun-15 15:24:45

That sounds pretty shit hmmWait to hear the Friday excuse, find out where they are meeting and go see what it is for yourself?

StaircaseAtTheUniversity Mon 15-Jun-15 15:25:23

I think you have to confront him. There's no innocent explaination that I can think of and in your shoes I would want answers.

RinkRashDerbyKisses Mon 15-Jun-15 15:28:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loopylou6 Mon 15-Jun-15 15:29:52

screen shot everything would be my advice, you already have enough evidence.

Cancookdontcook Mon 15-Jun-15 15:33:59

I wouldn't try to catch them out on Friday. I would have it out with him now.

CoolAs10Fonzies Mon 15-Jun-15 15:35:07

Wait to hear the Friday excuse, find out where they are meeting and go see what it is for yourself?

This ^^

Ohfourfoxache Mon 15-Jun-15 15:39:08

Third vote for tellme's plan of action

AlpacaMyBags Mon 15-Jun-15 15:48:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbowsky123 Mon 15-Jun-15 15:48:53

Yes 1 DC
Can we stall the sale purchase / sale? I'm not sure we have agreed dates and signed contracts so I assume not.

I don't know what to think, I like the idea of waiting until Friday but I don't think a excuse will come as he is working lates this week. However he does have the find my iPhone app as I instaled it as he is bad for loosing his phone. So I could track him?
But I am not the sort of person to keep quiet as I get the rage and it will pour out. How can I keep calm until Friday?
I don't know who this person is as no name shows.

JugglingLife Mon 15-Jun-15 15:52:15

Right, one thing at a time, have you exchanged contracts or just signed them? You need to find this our urgently, if you've already exchanged you can't do anything, if you haven't you need to tell the solicitor to put it on hold whilst you sort this shit fest out.

itwillgetbettersoon Mon 15-Jun-15 15:56:43

Depends what you want. He is messing around and has previous form. Can you trust him? Do you want the marriage to continue or not? So what happens if he confesses but says it means nothing - do you give him another chance knowing full well he will do it again in x years.? I've been there. My sybxh left to live with ow. It is bloody hard work being a single parent. But it is better than living with a deceitful liar who has no respect for his marriage vows.

noddyholder Mon 15-Jun-15 15:57:50

Would it be in your interest to hang fire until the house move is done and dusted as you would get to stay in it with your dd and he would have to pay up which is no less thn he deserves

lampshady Mon 15-Jun-15 16:03:36

Oh love. What a cock. I wouldn't be able to keep a lid on it either. Try and collect all paperwork and documentation. Are you currently working and be entitled to tax credits if you do decide to split? Work out what you want and how you will go about achieving it.

If you decide to stay with him, what would he need to do? Be clear in your aims and goals. Do you have any family or friends you could stay with for a while so you can have a think?

GaryBaldy Mon 15-Jun-15 16:03:42

Very important to check if you have exchanged or not. Sometimes solicitors will get you to sign contracts a few weeks in advance.

While you can still pull out after exchange it will be very costly, but perhaps less costly than going through with a move that may prove to be very unhappy.

Rainbowsky123 Mon 15-Jun-15 16:05:04

Exchanged. Not signed, this is what worrys me. We are legally binding on both sides.
I'm self employed and 1. I can not get a mortgage for that amount by myself, I'm dependant on him.
2. Even if I could get the mortgage I can not afford it with bills and food.

I can't trust him now, no. I need to know how far it has gone and how far he will take it.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 15-Jun-15 16:06:02

If contracts have been signed and exchanged you are legally obliged to buy and will lose your deposit and can be sued by the vendor for breach of contract if you pull out at this late date.

Are you married? Do you have dc? Has he invested as much money as you have in this purchase and will the mortgage on the new house be in joint names?

You may not have a name for the woman he's been texting but have you tried searching the number?

BBQsAreSooooOverrated Mon 15-Jun-15 16:08:27

Ah so if you've exchanged you'll lose money if you pull out of the house sale. Tough one. Has he still got his old phone, is there anything on there at all?

PeppermintPasty Mon 15-Jun-15 16:10:04

You should have signed the contract in order to exchange, unless you authorised the solicitor to sign on your behalf.

Are you mixing up exchange and completion? Exchange of contracts is the legal bit that binds you into the house sale and means you can't pull out without financial penalties, and completion is the day you move/get keys/pay the balance of the purchase price.

Inexperiencedchick Mon 15-Jun-15 16:11:38

I would wait for Friday excuse, ask someone to follow him (or follow yourself), take some pictures as evidence (if as pp said you want evidence for adultery or just as a reassurance) and take it from there (again if you want to know more...)

What you are afraid to find out might be your blessing in disguise...

But do see a solicitor as a start.

I'm sorry that this happened to you, flowers

BathtimeFunkster Mon 15-Jun-15 16:16:11

it took a long time to get that trust back.

Well you didn't really get any trust back, it turns out.

You just allowed yourself to be fooled again.

You were right not to trust him, and mistaken to ever believe you could.

Rainbowsky123 Mon 15-Jun-15 16:18:55

We have 1 DC, we are married.

The mortgage is in joint names, however the house we are in now was my house. It's not a hugely expensive house but it's mine and my name is on the deeds not his.

He has still got his old mobile I packed it up the other day. Will look for it now. That's a great idea.

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