I really need advice about what to do, so would be grateful if you would sit through the back story for a bit.....
I left my abusive ex 10 years ago when I was pregnant with 2nd DC, and moved back to the UK. The physical abuse had escalated (as, apparently, it often does in pregnancy) to the point that I was genuinely scared that he would kill me. Probably in front of my child. He wasn't there for the birth of my DD, but has been very attached to both our kids and pays maintenance most of the time.
Since I left him things have been pretty good for me and DC- I retrained and got a job that I love, the kids are doing really well and are happy souls, and I bought my house. Money continues to be really tight, though, as the morgage is a huge chunk of my salary. I have another part-time job to make ends meet, but am often a bit drained as a result- I think this is probably why I can't seem to work out what to do.
Contact with him is rare- he isn't English, and lives and works overseas still. He comes over to visit about 3 weeks of the year and I really struggle to cope during that time. I don't want to leave the kids alone with him, as he is very volatile- prone to really nasty controlling behaviour towards them. This is rare, but getting more pronounced (especially towards oldest DD) If I'm around, he'll go at me instead- not physically anymore. The kids are scared of him, but love him too. When Dr Jekyll is in place he is loving, fun and generous....certainly the younger would be devastated to lose contact. There is also a wider issue with his family- his parents are ageing, can't travel, and it would break their hearts if they weren't able to see the kids. For a whole variety of reasons it would be impossible to go and see them if contact with ex were finished. My mother blocked contact with (and didn't hold back from stating her opinion of) my father when they were divorced in my teens, which I found difficult to forgive at the time; I'm very cautious of blocking contact for that reason as well, until they are old enough to decide for themselves.
As a result I am stuck- he wants to spend as much time with them as possible (understandably) when he is over, but I have to be there too ( despite ft work, pt job on top and all the childcare). He is unpleasant and controlling- wants to stay in the house on the sofa, or in the caravan in my back garden, so he can see them all the time and refuses to pay any maintenance unless he gets his own way, as well as bombarding me with messages and abuse about how I am depriving him of his rights. I've told him that he has to stay elsewhere, which he's not happy about, but he still will come to the house and walk straight in as soon as the door is opened. Otherwise we have to go out all the time, which is proving difficult for all of us to cope with.
Please go easy on me......I do appreciate that this is a ridiculous situation, and I'm not sure I've even explained it properly but I just can't seem to see a clear way out. I would just like some perspective on what is likely to be the least-damaging solution for all. I suppose I am ok about all the shittiness and controlling crap when directed at me, as long as it is in the best interests of the kids, but I'm not sure if it is. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What should I do?
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Needing advice about contact with ex
6 replies
Burnshersmurfs · 15/06/2015 10:49
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