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What do stay at home mums/dads do for money

(59 Posts)
Strawberry25 Sun 14-Jun-15 22:26:19

Hi, this is the 1st time I have posted so bear with me please. I have been married to my DH for 12 years and back then we both worked full time and used to put a % of our wages into a joint account for house, bills etc. When I had both my children I still did this even though I wasnt getting a full wage and then went back to work part time, still contributing a %. Out of my wages I would buy my own cars (I like better ones than him) and pay for all my own clothes, hair, gym etc.

18 months ago I was made redundant as I wouldnt change my hours to full time so the only income I now get is child benefit for the children. I have looked for child friendly hours but dont want to pay lots more childcare until my youngest is in school. My husband has a good job and also a mortgage free house that was left to him, which he rents out and keeps the rent for his retirement. DH still puts money into the joint account for the house, bills, food and kids things. I have to pay for my own car, fuel, insurance, tax, repairs, gym, hair cuts, clothes and anything else I might need for me. I have my own savings from when I worked so can use these if needed but not as much as my husband as he still has enough money left over each month to save too. Essential jobs on the house have been done but there are still outstanding things from when we moved in 15 years ago that need to be done, we are still using some furniture he picked with his ex. I didnt have a proper armchair for 6 years as had to wait for his to break before we could buy new ones (but still have the couch he bought with his ex). I cannot buy anything new of 'there is nothing wrong with what we have'. I did want to move house a few years ago as I never really liked the house we live in (he picked the area) but couldnt sell it so he agreed to pay for a conservatory instead, which I also paid some money towards whilst I was on mat leave.

Am I expecting too much from him as he is is the one going out and earning at the moment to provide for us. I told him I was going to change my car for one that was cheaper to run on fuel (using my savings) but he never offers to pay for my fuel. I feel like I cant buy myself anything as I have to pretend I have no money.

Our DS has a number of medical conditions that he does not understand and cannot show any empathy to her and I think he is very hard on her, I do not leave them alone together much as she says she does not like him much. He says I am a hypercondriac but infact I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety (he doesnt know this yet as he cant understand it). My parents do not like him or the way he treats us which makes it difficult too. I am well aware that he is working and providing for us and I should be greateful and do everything at home but the money and lack of trust with money I feel is a problem so would like to know if everyone else supports themselves why they are at home with children.

dollius Mon 15-Jun-15 06:36:23

As far as I can see he is only providing for himself. Your family are right about him, he sounds completely awful.

You need to protect your child's emotional health here as well. Leave. Really.

MothershipG Mon 15-Jun-15 06:46:05

When I was a SAHM my DH transferred all his money into my account, with the exception of a small amount of pocket money, as I managed all the finances.

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership and a team, he doesn't seem to get that, either financially or emotionally. The saddest thing is that you can't even rely on him to support yourself or your daughter with your medical issues.

Is he grateful for all the work you put in at home?

Stinkersmum Mon 15-Jun-15 06:47:39

Blimey. Why do you stay? Seriously?

Nolim Mon 15-Jun-15 06:49:13

Has he always assumed that he does not need to adjust his contribution when your income changes due to pt/redundancy?
The desicion to look only for child friendly hours was a mutual one?

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Mon 15-Jun-15 06:50:52

I'm a SAHM. We have one account that my DH's wages are paid in to and both have equal access to the account. I manage our finances on a day to day basis. Any big financial decisions we make together.
He sounds awful.

SurelyNotEh Mon 15-Jun-15 06:50:57

So he's getting free child care then?

FenellaFellorick Mon 15-Jun-15 06:52:00

Normally they just use money that is coming into the family pot and that's ok because it's family money.

As for the abusive way he treats your daughter - Your husband is an arse.

paxtecum Mon 15-Jun-15 06:52:36

Marriage vows: all my worldly goods I thee endow or modern version ' what is mine is yours'.

The above is a normal way of sharing when married.

Your family are right about him.

Pagwatch Mon 15-Jun-15 06:52:52

All the money coming into the house is half mine. It doesn't matter where it came from. It worked the same when I was the primary earner.

Joint account, joint money - I own half of everything.

Your DH is a selfish twat.

cailindana Mon 15-Jun-15 06:53:55

When I was a SAHM all money went into a joint account and I spent what I needed. We talked about big purchases but anything else I just went ahead and got it. That's how it should work - the money belongs to both of you.

SocksRock Mon 15-Jun-15 06:55:06

We have one account where all the money goes and I just spend from that. Your DH sounds like an arse, when I was diagnosed with anxiety we paid for private counselling out of the family money.

Stillwishihadabs Mon 15-Jun-15 06:56:56

I 5hink you (as a family) need to cut your cloth. Yes he should support you whilst you are not earning but you mention gym and haircuts, perhaps these need to go on the back burner for a while ?

Floralnomad Mon 15-Jun-15 06:58:21

I think it's very relevant in your post that you say 'when I had both my children' , this is not a loving ,equal marriage and to answer your question - all the money goes into one pot and everything is shared in our house .

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Mon 15-Jun-15 06:58:23

Stillwish it sounds like they can afford these things though? And I bet her DH still gets to have his hair cut!

lilacblossomtime Mon 15-Jun-15 06:59:42

I work pt and Dh works ft we put all money in joint account and discuss any large purchases. Our savings if any are joint savings.
I would be more concerned about his complete lack of empathy.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 15-Jun-15 07:00:20

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What is and has kept you within this?. This is a terrible role model of a marriage to show your children; the power and control balance is in his favour and that also shows with his attitudes to money. This man also cannot be relied on either to support either you and your child with your medical issues.

I am a SAHM and I have full access to funds.

It is often very difficult for victims to recognise abuse which is of an economic or financial nature: it may develop slowly and insidiously, so that what at the outset could be seen perhaps as protectiveness can become increasingly controlling, and leave no outlet for an independent life of any kind. For example, a potential abuser might say something along
these lines:

"I’ll take care of all the bills – you don’t need a bank account".

"I earn enough for both of us, so you don’t need to work now: I’ll look after you".

While initially this might seem acceptable, it gives the one earning and paying the bills considerable power which could potentially be exploited in order to perpetrate abuse over the other partner.

This is no partnership; he is solely operating in his own self interest and has done throughout. I would also say that he has been financially abusive throughout your marriage and think that your H's behaviour is one of the main causes, if not the main one, of your depressive state now.

Stinkersmum Mon 15-Jun-15 07:01:00

I earn very very little - we live abroad for DHs job. I'm due our first dc in October. DH pays for everything. Even when I was earning full time it was a still only about 1/6 of what dh earned. I spent my money on housekeeping. He paid for everything else. It's never really been an issue. He earns way more, he pays way more. If I need more money, I take it out of his account. And I haven't put petrol in my own car for 5 years.

Stinkersmum Mon 15-Jun-15 07:01:55

Not that I bought my car either. DH did.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Mon 15-Jun-15 07:04:34

'My' car is actually DH's company car. He drives the old banger that we own. That's because I am heavily pregnant and drive our toddler around so he says it's more important for us to be in comfort and safety than him! Petrol comes out of the joint account. We don't get any child allowance so if he was an arse about finances I would literally have nothing to live off.

BugPlaster Mon 15-Jun-15 07:04:36

My husband provides for us so I can take longer maternity leave. We are not well off but we choose to spend less instead of putting me under pressure to work and put youngest In nursery . I find it tricky not earning my own money but that's not because he is uncomfortable with it. I don't buylotsforme and we and I'm selling bits on eBay for spending money (though that's more about it being wasteful).
Sounds like your post was prompted by the financial inequality you feel but there is more to it. Perhaps your self esteem took a knock with your redundancy. Could you take control by raising this with DH? Ask for a rethink on money until you go back full time?
Forget about who bought what furniture,sell your car for pocket money if that would make you feel better.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 15-Jun-15 07:05:24

I'm a SAHM and DH pays for everything. He earns good money and it all goes into a joint account, which I technically have access to but almost never use. He transfers an amount each month into an account for me to have cash access to; and I have a credit card to use as well.

Your H is not in a partnership at all, is he. He's all about himself. He doesn't want to pay anything for you, or for your DD by the sound of it. How much worse off would you actually be if you left him to it? Not much sad

Ragwort Mon 15-Jun-15 07:06:16

We had a joint account from the day we got married - everything is pooled, I didn't work for 15 years but I had full and equal access to our bank account and wouldn't have dreamed of having to 'ask' for money. We are both sensible people and fortunate to have a comfortable income for our needs. We would agree any 'major' purchase but in 27 years of marriage the one thing we have never disagreed on is finance.

You are being financially and emotionally abused.

sliceofsoup Mon 15-Jun-15 07:07:13

I manage our finances, DHs wages go into our joint account and I have full access to them.

I still get my hair cut and buy new clothes. We pay for my private counseling too. Our money is for our family, and I am as much a part of the family as anyone else living here.

Your husband sounds awful. His refusal to acknowledge your childs medical issues, or yours, is abusive.

DocHollywood Mon 15-Jun-15 07:08:53

You make it sound like you paid for all the childcare, I hope that's not true!
Good luck with the conversation re the fair division of household income, I can't see it being easy.

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