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Have tried to support a friend and now I'm confused

(7 Posts)
KoalatyControl Sun 14-Jun-15 21:34:05

NC to avoid outing....

For months I have been supporting my friend as she worked up the courage to leave her physically abusive and controlling boyfriend.

I have done my utmost to just listen and not judge. I have even told her several times, even if she doesn't leave him now, I will still support her as I never want her to be in a position where she has no-one left to turn to.

This is her second abusive relationship. I did the same for the first one too. It worries me sick. I literally lose sleep worrying about her. I keep her secrets, even from our best friends who she begs me not to tell, but who are all pretty aware of what is going on anyway. She stopped telling them about it as they all pretty much lost patience with her.

In the last two weeks, she has completely stopped confiding in me, which is her decision, I know. She has now started to confide in another friend, who is one of the people she made me promise not to tell.

This friend told me today, because she thought it was common knowledge, that our friend has indeed plucked up the courage to end the relationship and left last week. Which is fantastic obviously.

But for the last week, I have been messaging her, asking if she is OK and offering coffee and support, like I always do. She has had plenty of time to tell me and alleviate my concern for her and she hasn't. She has basically snubbed me and is avoiding me.

I have been wracking my brains about how I could have offended her and I just can't think of anything.

I don't know whether to tell her I know? Leave her to tell me in her own time? Or just walk away from the friendship as I feel used to be honest. And hurt that after all the support, and hours of conversations and offers of practical help that she wouldn't even consider the fact I deserve to have my mind put at rest. There have been numerous times where I have put my family life on hold to go to her. I know she has been suffering terribly, but I feel a bit angry.

I'm writing this to stop me sending a peevish text to be honest. I know I shouldn't as she has lots to do and I don't want to make her situation about me, but I can't help but feel like this friendship is over for me.

Am I being ridiculous?

kissmethere Mon 15-Jun-15 00:36:29

No you're not being ridiculous. I'd back off and see if she comes to you. When you do speak to her ask her about it.
She could be connecting you with her past and the bad times she went through. She might need to to breathe and start again. It's understandable you've been left wondering after all you've done.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 15-Jun-15 03:11:54

Is it possible that the friend she is currently confiding in has turned her against you in some way?

Regardless, this is incredibly bad manners on her part as it wouldn't have hurt her to have responded to one of your texts saying 'I've left - be in touch soon' or similar which imo, given the time you've invested in her problems, is no more than you've a right to expect.

It's understandable you're angry at being treated so shabbily, but I suggest you send her a further text saying 'X told me you've left - delighted for you' and resolve to be considerably less available should she endeavour to enlist your help again.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 15-Jun-15 04:26:50

Sorry she's done this to you but I would just step back from it and let her get on with it. She obviously has issues, including only wanting to tell one person at a time what's going on for whatever reason. This time, that person isn't you.

Let someone else carry this this time around and leave her alone. She may come back, she may not; but realistically it's her choice so just, as they say, Let It Go. x

Rebecca2014 Mon 15-Jun-15 06:08:23

Hmm seems she has form for only letting one friend into her 'secrets' you are not that friend anymore. Honestly she sounds like a user and I would never be her sounding board again.

dangerrabbit Mon 15-Jun-15 06:46:56

Yeah, I second goddess' idea if sending a text saying I hear you've left - delighted for you to show you know she's left - then, as others have said, to avoid her in the future as she has been using you - how hurtful.

saintlyjimjams Mon 15-Jun-15 06:50:40

Back off. It sounds very much as if it's her not you. Whether because she has MH issues or enjoys the drama of you wondering how she is now she's safe. On a kinder note maybe she's embarrassed by how she was?

You did a kind thing. Now leave Her to it & concentrate on your own family.,

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