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wrong to sleep in seperate rooms?

(20 Posts)
jilted Sun 14-Jun-15 20:32:34

I'm in a marriage of 6 years with three young children and the relationship is deteriorating each day.
It's not a new thing, more gradual but dh has always spent a lot of time at work. He'll set off at 6am and usually is back around 8/9/10 pm. That's not really the problem. The problem is that he works at home up in his room ALL weekend. I am not exaggerating when I say that today he has sat up in his room all day and not even come down to eat. Yesterday he came down once, last weekend the same and the kids never see him.
I'm exhausted as I never get a break from the kids or any time alone and when it comes to evening when I've usually sat in front of the TV by myself all evening I just don't feel I want to go and sleep in a double bed with him snoring. I don't even lwnt' to. I've been much happier just sleeping īn the spare room.
Anyway, I feel guilty about it sometimes because we are 'supposed' to be married.
We're past talking, it hasn't made any difference, I honestly just feel like a paid housekeeper.
We just don't have anything. I feel totally ignored and I feel awful for the kids.
But besides all this, I feel guilty for not making the 'effort' to stay in the same bedroom.?

I know, it's confusing, sorry ������

molyholy Sun 14-Jun-15 20:46:41

It's not wrong to not want to share a bed with a snorer, but I think that is the least of your problems. Your husband sounds totally disengaged from family life. Is this really how you see you and your childrens lives forever? It sounds miserable OP.

LittleWren17 Sun 14-Jun-15 20:53:19

Hi there, I went through a similar thing with my ex husband. He worked all the time, kept himself busy on a rare day off. We spent every evening watching TV in different rooms and I felt so emotionally detached that I preferred to sleep separately. We eventually separated.
Only you know if you have feelings for him to motivate you to salvage your relationship. If so, perhaps you could try counselling together or have a weekend away to agree a way forward. I have found that men can sometimes be oblivious to just how unhappy you might be. Time to let him know that he needs to make an effort to support you and stop taking you for granted. Much love xx

MillyMollyMandy78 Sun 14-Jun-15 20:55:29

I agree that it's not a problem to sleep in seperate rooms if living with a snorer. Been with DH for 11 years and sleep in seperate rooms for that very reason. However you have other problems which mean it is more complex for you. The seperate rooms on its own is not a prob but the isolation you feel is! Have you tried talking to him and explaining how you feel?

FretYeNotAllIsShiny Sun 14-Jun-15 21:04:28

I agree, separate rooms is no reflection on a relationship if there are good reasons not to share a room - sleep issues affect a relationship badly, much more than not sharing a bed.But it sounds like this is not the reason why. It sounds like you are emotionally separating from your dh because of his working patterns and this is unhealthy.

I think you need to lay it on the line, that without family time, you will cease to be a family. Not that you want that, but that's the way it will sadly go if you both continue on this path. I'm not suggesting you say ' join in or buzz off', but that if this distance continues, then the relationship will disintegrate whether you love each other or not. You can't keep a marriage going by yourself.

This is one of the main reasons my last marriage ended. We simply drifted off into separate existences. Now we are properly separated, and by that time, I didn't even miss being married. These days he has the kids all weekend and I feel much better about life. The kids see more of him too, though I don't doubt he wishes things had gone differently.

ohidoliketobe Sun 14-Jun-15 21:23:01

Upon reading the title of your post I was all set to say no. After I moved out my mum claimed my childhood bedroom. I thought it was the beginning of the end, empty nest and all that. Turns out they just have very different sleep habits (room temperature, blankets, one snores etc.) once they switched they both slept better & their relationship improved dramatically as as result.

Then I read your post.

OP this is a very sad situation. Is your partner under a lot of pressure at work? Or is it a case that he genuinely seems to prefer working than the company of his family? You say talking has resolved nothing, how do you feel about sitting down for one big, if you will final/ last chance chat, and make it clear that things need to change. I suppose you need to make a call as well on whether you want both of you to make another go of it, or in your mind have you already gone past the point of no return? Either way, it very much sounds like you can't continue this way. It must be exhausting.

sportify Sun 14-Jun-15 21:25:06

Littlewren, exactly how it is. Very miserable and like the rest of you said, I am emotionally numb and detached. I did try to leave last year and went to my mums with the kids but it was quite difficult financially as I'm not working myself. He does have a well salaried job. Money is not the issue.
We do not have any meals together. He hasn't even eaten today or bothered to get his dinner. I am worried about him but know I can't change him. I've been very lonely for the past 3/4 years and it's taken it's toll.
I'm quite an independent person, I like my own space and time but I honestly think I would feel less alone being alone.

On a good day we'll exchange a few words.
I'm sorry to say I dont think I do love him anymore. I feel he's driven me too far away and I've built up walls to not get hurt.

sportify Sun 14-Jun-15 21:29:36

Ohido, yes, I just think he is a workaholic to be honest. I actually feel sorry for him as he has no social life or friends (not that I do at the moment) and his whole life revolves around his work and computer.
Fret, I don't think I'd miss this life at all. I'd feel sorry that my kids will and have suffered and that our marriage fell apart but nothing emotionally I don't think. Like you, we live different lives already I guess.

happyh0tel Sun 14-Jun-15 21:34:27

What do you do together ?

I bet he is not working all the time when he is at home. He may have an online hobby eg gaming, gambling, reading, studying for a qualification etc

I would ask him to engage into family life or think about seperation

Why dont you get a part time job, then he would have to help with house hold chores & child care ?

sportify Sun 14-Jun-15 21:38:37

He does read a lot for his work ! He's a programmer so hence the computer work.
I wish I could Happy, honestly but it's difficult at the moment with 5,3 and 18 months. Schools runs, nursery ect. The only time I'd have would be evenings or nights really.

happyh0tel Sun 14-Jun-15 23:28:03

It sounds like you already lead separate lives

You would be happier living separately

At the moment you are waiting with expectation if he will engage on a daily basis

Separate bedrooms
Little communication
No meals together
No family time together
No happiness
No together time

Why have a wife & children if you do not spend any time with them ?

happyh0tel Sun 14-Jun-15 23:32:38

Sorry I forgot to say

Can you see yourself in the same situation in the next
2 years
5 years
longer term

Everyone has their own limits, timescales, what they want in life...

sportify Sun 14-Jun-15 23:42:09

No Hotel, I'd be even more miserable. If we could both agree to divorce it would be so much simpler. We discussed it on a short break a year R so ago but he said he would change, loved us etc really is crazy now.
He has not eaten all day, I made meals and he didn't come down even to get them. Not eating, sleeping properly? I'm actually worried too about his health.
It's not normal and I'm not exaggerating. I've not seen him all day, at least yesterday he came down to take his dinner back upstairs!

sportify Sun 14-Jun-15 23:44:33

Right now, I think it's the practicalities which are stopping me. Finding a new home for the children, new schools ect...

newnamesamegame Sun 14-Jun-15 23:47:18

The separate rooms thing is not the issue in itself. Plenty of people have happy marriages in separate rooms.

The issue is his total disengagement from yours and your family's life. Of which the separate rooms is a symptom but not a cause.

It sounds like you would be far happier living separately.

MamaMotherMummy Sun 14-Jun-15 23:48:16

If you asked him right now, do you want to spend time with me?
What do you think he would say?

Jackw Sun 14-Jun-15 23:54:50

This can't go on. His behaviour is bizarre in the extreme. It isn't you who will have to find a new home, it is him, because you are the primary carer. So you won't have to find new schools either. See a solicitor and find out what your financial and housing situation will be if you divorce.

Kreeshsheesh Mon 15-Jun-15 00:02:08

OP, do you think your husband may be suffering from mental health problems? I'm very sorry for you and your children.

sportify Mon 15-Jun-15 00:25:24

I've wondered Kreesh, Maybe depression or something but then he is intent on succeeding, earning more, getting kind of conflicts with the depression I know. However, he used to criticise me constantly and belittle me. He's a perfectionist. If a chair isn't where he wants it or small things annoy him. He has stopped being mean in that way as much now but ignores me more ?
I don't know what is wrong but he is definitely avoiding me and the kids.
I've just come to bed an he just went and got his dinner 12.30am!!
We haven't even argued or anything.

sportify Mon 15-Jun-15 00:27:30

Jack, I thought if it was me who 'left' I'd have to find accommodation.
It's in the meantime I guess, where can I stay with the kids if he won't leave ect?

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