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Relationship after having a baby

(20 Posts)
saddened123 Sun 14-Jun-15 17:43:31

I've nc for this. I'm just wanting to offload please if I can.

My dp and I had our dd 10 months ago. I love the bones of her but it's been very hard work.

My issue is mine and dp's relationship is really bad now to the point I think we'll end up splitting up. This makes me feel so sad as I know it would hurt him a lot. But at times I feel so unhappy and trapped. I miss mine and our old life.

I think having our dd has showed the cracks in our relationship. He's a brilliant dad but we have nothing to talk about and it seems not much in common now.

We've been together a long time and our baby was planned. We were so excited but it feels like everything has gone to shit now.

I try talk to him and explain I feel we are disconnected. He says he understands, things get better for a few hours but then back to how they are. It's like living with a stranger sometimes.

Is this common after having a baby? Please be kind, I feel really sad.

TinyDancer69 Sun 14-Jun-15 18:48:56

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling in your relationship. Are as a couple getting time for yourselves away from the little one? If having DD was something you both wanted and you're committed to one another and DD then it's probably the sheer exhaustion of looking after a baby that's taking it's toll. You both need to also prioritise your relationship and talk things through honestly. I totally understand how you feel about missing your old life - my DS is 3 now but I felt that after he was born. I found giving up my old life (I was 43 when I had my only child ) very difficult and our relationship suffered. He was very selfish though and wasn't emotionally supportive to me which was devastating. Sounds like your partner is much more committed to your relationship. Good luck and there will be other more wise ladies on here to offer you supportflowers

saddened123 Sun 14-Jun-15 19:18:27

Thanks for your reply.

No we don't spend any time as a couple as we don't have anyone to look after dd and her sleep can be quite bad ( fed to sleep and fed back to sleep at every wake up).

We have a bit of time when baby has gone to bed but then all we talk about is her.

I go back to work in a couple of months, do you think that will make a difference to how I feel?

Dp doesn't prioritise our relationship. He said today that all his energy goes into looking after dd, therefore he's got nothing left for us.

We just don't have a connection anymore sad

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease Sun 14-Jun-15 19:34:43

I think it is normal for a relationship to change a lot after having a baby.

I remember thinking, after DH & I had our first baby, that it felt like someone had taken our original relationship and smashed it to pieces. We then had to pick those pieces up and build a new, different relationship.

It is still early days for you. It takes at least a year for your hormones to settle, to get over the shock of it all, to start feeling like 'you' again.

afink Sun 14-Jun-15 20:03:57

I felt exactly the same as Frazzles said above. Our relationship was blown apart when we had out dc. Initially, it brought us closer together, but after the first month or two, we drifted further and further apart and our relationship changed beyond all recognition.

Our dc is now 6 and our relationship has been fine for about 3 years, but those first few years were confusing and not particularly happy. We won't have another child because, while our marriage is solid again now, we don't want to put it through that stress again. A lot of couples that married and had their first child at around the same time as us had split up by the time their first child was 2.5, and it didn't surprise me at all. It is HARD.

What helped us both was when I started to feel more like myself again - having interests outside the baby, doing a bit of work, losing the baby weight (ahem, have since put it back on, but that's not the point). See how you go when you return to work. x

TinyDancer69 Sun 14-Jun-15 21:26:19

Echo previous posters' advice . My DP have just split and DS only just about to turn 3. I think lack of support from family and very good friends is hugely important and I would urge you to get sitters - even if you have to pay - having time to reconnect will help a lot. We had no support, I did all baby stuff, he was away working a lot and ultimately screwed around and was just horrible. It's s really good sign that your DP is so involved with your DD - he's obviously committed to his family so hang on in there OP. For me I realised my xDP didn't really want another DC (he has a DS of 8 from previous relationship) immediately my DS was born. Your situation is different and if you really love each other you will do what it takes. Oh , and I couldn't wait to get back to work - made a huge difference for me .

Sending you ((())) and wine

saddened123 Sun 14-Jun-15 21:37:20

Thank you all so very much. I'll reply properly tomorrow.

Xenadog Sun 14-Jun-15 21:48:43

That first year is so hard. When we had DD I was so jealous of friends who had family who could help out as we basically had no one. Everything became about DD and both myself and DP were second thoughts.

Once DD started to sleep through things became easier and then going back to work was good for me too. Even though I was permanently knackered and felt pressured from being back at work I felt stimulated and as if I mattered again. I even had conversation which weren't based on DD or TV which is what I felt my life was reduced to.

DP sounds frazzled by it all too and that's why any reconnection is only short-lived. I would say this is normal.

I think you both need some time together, sometime to yourselves to do a hobby/interest which you can then discuss with the other and then some time as a family unit. If you can get a babysitter - even if its just once a month - then do use them, it really makes a difference. In the meantime doesn't rush into anything, keep talking to each other and be kind to yourself too.

EvilTendency1 Sun 14-Jun-15 23:47:44

I think it's totally normal to feel this way, my DH has DC from a previous relationship so the lack of sleep etc didn't come as such a surprise to him as it did to me, he became really really hands on I was ready to kick him back to work after 3 week at home with me after first dc we had no one to look after DC when they were a baby and my gosh it was hard, I wouldn't say the relationship was on the rocks but it certainly changed and I went a bit weird at one point as I was jealous of the baby confused he put so much effort into seeing DC and doing things with then that I felt I was just around to make dinner for everyone confused .

When DC turned 2 it started to change a little bit, although I did give up trying to sort a baby sitter as DH went into tiger parent and didn't trust ANYONE, he was adamant dc's needs come first and everything should revolve around them and our needs came second (hmm still does to a point ) so we didn't have a meal out together until DC was at school and a school disco one night.

It IS better now though but I'll never forget the hmpf feelings I had when I wanted to spend time with him without DC and it was always a no ... I gave up.

Sickoffrozen Mon 15-Jun-15 09:31:21

Stick at it. The first two years are very hard but it does and will get easier.

Try to do little things together that will at least make you feel close like sitting and watching a film or just eating together when little one is asleep. Ban baby talk too at night.....

Oh and have some sex. It keeps the bond strong.

Feelingsad111 Mon 15-Jun-15 16:27:55

It's really hard is t it! I've put a post up this morning ( I've name changed too) about how my relationship is just different and feel so sad and wonder if the problem is me and possible pnd. I was like you, we've been together a long time, much wanted baby, fertility treatments etc and was over the moon to be pregnant after years of trying. Thought dd would be the finally piece of our life but as lovely as she is our relationship has changed to something I don't recognise.
It's so so hard!! Not much advice I can give you as I'm in the same boat but just want to hold your hand and say your not alone in this. Hope things get better for you soon xx

saddened123 Mon 15-Jun-15 17:07:28

Thank you all so much for the support and wise words. I didn't know other people experienced this as well, it has really helped to read your posts.

Evil I have the jealousy thing too. I'm so ashamed. It's usually the man who feels pushed out but for us its me who feels like the spare part when it's the 3 of us. I should be grateful really that he's a hands on dad, but yesterday we spoke and he said he's knackered on a weekend as he does everything to try give me a break.

So we need to be a bit more open with each other.

Feelingsad how old is your dd? I'm sorry you feel like this as well, it's horrible. Hence our usernames sad

EvilTendency1 Mon 15-Jun-15 17:41:55

I know the feelings well but trust me it does pass, keep going, even if you assume more care of your DD (even a teeny tiny bit) it's fantastic je wants to be hands on but once or twice it might be nice to say "Hello ? I'm here too." In a relaxed manner so it keeps it light. Try watching a DVD or box set after she is asleep just so you have something to watch and enjoy together we went mad on 24 and I still have dreams about Keifer .

And the advice about sex is spot on, keep talking etc , you'll get there smile

EvilTendency1 Mon 15-Jun-15 17:43:16

You might find as well when your back to work it will help as you'll have something else to think about and talk about too smile

trilbydoll Mon 15-Jun-15 17:46:43

I found by the end of maternity leave I didn't really know who I was any more - you might find going back to work helps make everything a bit more "normal" again.

Raspberryberet1 Mon 15-Jun-15 22:59:33

Had DS 17 months ago and relationships with DH is now unrecognisable from pre-baby days.

No intimacy, no conversation (unless it's about DS), resentment from me as I work full time but also do 90% of the house/child duties. We still get on fine but it's more like housemates than husband and wife at the moment.

We're both exhausted and I'm hoping that once DS becomes a bit more independent we'll start to connect again. It's so hard and horribly uncertain but I think it's genuinely just what happens. You can't have the same relationship as you're not the same people. I'm giving it more time and hoping we can get back on track. Hang in there.

Feelingsad111 Tue 16-Jun-15 09:28:21

saddened123. Our dd is nearly 18 months but I've been feeling this way since she was 6 months add into the equation that I've also suspected an affair and things are pretty crap!!
Like raspberry said I do all of the chores, when he comes home it's always about his day, never asks about mine the list continues.
It's so hard as I feel our happy relationship has just gone. No one ever tells you this other than it's hard work. I find dealing with daughter a breeze compared with dealing with him.
It's nice to know we are all not alone in feeling like this as horrible as it is sad

Feelingsad111 Tue 16-Jun-15 09:31:54

I also went back to work just part time when daughter was 9 months and it dies help massively, I feel myself at work but it's the weekends and evenings I dread as we are together but not if you know what I mean but without work I think I would've gone mad. Hang in there, hope things get better for you. My situation is a bit more tricky. Your dh sounds quite supportive and hands on, you just need to work on some alone time together x

saddened123 Tue 16-Jun-15 17:22:08

Feelingsad123 I'm really sorry for you. You are completely right - nobody tells you about this. You know it's going to be hard work but not that it will smash your self esteem and confidence, and leave you like a shell of your former self.
I'm looking forward to going back to work. I don't know how I've coped this long at home. My house is always a mess too and that does my head in angry

I really hope you and your dh can resolve things, it's just horrible feeling like this. I look forward to my dp being at home with us but by Saturday night I'm longing for him to go back to work again. I feel that he takes over everything with dd and I let him as he doesn't get a lot of time with her through the week.

Raspberryberet1 I know what you mean about feeling like housemates, rather than husband and wife.
I never expected it to be so utterly exhausting having kids. I leave my car door unlocked often and have left my cash card in a shop after paying as I'm so knackered. flowers to you

Feelingsad111 Wed 17-Jun-15 14:35:04

I hope so, im just taking it a day at a time. I've also had to deal with his working hours changing, we used to get sat and sun together but now only Sunday, add into family visits and stuff theres no time for just us anymore and it's hard!!
I hope things are a bit better for you soon, at least he helps with baby. From a lot of these comments if seems like it is normal to feel like this but doesn't make it any easier x

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