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I want the relationship to end....

(11 Posts)
user001 Sun 14-Jun-15 15:41:16

My husband is an alcoholic who over a sustained period of time has abused me verbally and then forgotten what has been said and done.

My husband loves to have an argument, or as they describe it a discussion. Its not a discussion if one person is shut in another room asking you to stop.

My husband is deeply in debt and lies to cover it up and despite various bailouts wont change spending habits or lifestyle.

My husband lies to me all the time.

My husband expects me to live how he wants to live without any compromise.

When I challenge any of the above I am passive aggressive and always the victim.

There are mitigating circumstances to the above which I have been supportive of for many years but I cant go on any longer. The problem is I feel so sad that what was, I thought, a wonderful relationship has gone so sour.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Sun 14-Jun-15 15:49:46

User, it sounds like you would be very much better off without him. It's always sad when the relationship we thought we had turns out to be something very different.

Are you able to leave? Are you safe to?

user001 Sun 14-Jun-15 16:07:05

Thanks FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse I could leave and I do feel safe. To be honest I don't want to leave my home.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 14-Jun-15 16:08:52

He has abused you verbally and then forgotten what has been said and done. My, how convenient for him!

Listen, you don't need a plausible reason or excuse to leave a relationship. Just that it's making you unhappy, you don't see any future in it and need it to end.

Please, start making plans for your escape. Being in a bed-sit and living hand-to-mouth would be better than what you are tolerating now. Much better. You deserve it. We all do.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 14-Jun-15 16:12:18

I understand not wanting to leave your home but suspect you might have to. Unless you can find a way of chucking him out to fend for himself.

Do you own a home together? Any equity? You could force a sale if you had a mind to, and make a new start.

WhiteWriting Sun 14-Jun-15 16:14:11

Have you encouraged your husband to seek help?

WhiteWriting Sun 14-Jun-15 16:17:11

and have you told him it is over?

user001 Sun 14-Jun-15 16:28:17

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted its a rented property but I love the location and the house itself.

WhiteWriting of course and he did for a while but after his mother died its been difficult to get him to see there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

WhiteWriting Sun 14-Jun-15 16:36:33

I am your husband (not literally of course) and I have fucked up my marriage just like your husband has. I bet, like me, he is so deperately sorry about what he has done but is in the grip of an addiction that won't let go of him. I really hope you make it. My husband is currently in the office again avoiding my disgusting behaviour. Everyday is the day I think he is going to leave me. I wonder if your husband is pushing you away like I am with my husband so that when you finally snap it will confirm how he is pathetic, not worthy of love...

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Sun 14-Jun-15 18:15:38

White, you really can't assume that the op's husband has the same feelings as you. I hope you get some help and rebuild things with your husband flowers

User, can you afford the rent? Who is on the rental agreement? Could you speak to the landlord about renting alone?

Very glad to hear that you are safe. The worst case scenario is that you will have to leave your lovely home, but living with someone who makes you so unhappy is so much worse than moving somewhere else and being happy.

What do you think will happen when you tell him it's over and you want him to leave?

Your happiness is important. You don't need his agreement or permission to end things.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 14-Jun-15 19:42:49

As hard as it is to remember, a house is only sticks and bricks. You take your life with you wherever you go, and it's your life that makes you truly happy. You need to leave. I think you'll find that you'll be much happier in a new house. And that house will shortly be as wonderful as you think your current one is.

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