Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

This isn't ok is it?

(82 Posts)
RaisingMen Sun 14-Jun-15 10:36:21

Please tell me if I'm overreacting here.

I used my husbands facebook last night on his phone to look at something a mutual friend had posted. My phone was in charge, husband happy for me to use his. I go to the 'search' bar and it brings up his most recent searches. Husband is a bit rubbish with technology, doesn't really know how to work FB, doesn't use it much etc. There are only about 10 searches in the past year, but five of them are for a female ive never heard of, and two variations of the spelling of her first name. Three of these searches were made yesterday, the other two a month or so ago.

I ask him who she is, he lied and said he doesn't know and he hasn't searched for her. When I show him the searches in black and white, he then says its a girl who lives in a different part of the country who he speaks to all the time through work.

He hasn't 'found' her on FB, so I assume she isn't a user, but these searches have taken place when he's been at home on a weekend, so it's not even like he's spoken to her at work and then thought 'ooh, I'll have a look and see if she's on facebook'.

We have a five year old and a three week old, and I feel sick to my stomach. He has no previous form for this, he is an incredible dad and husband usually and he is, and always has been, dead against cheating. We've been together for ten years.

This isn't just an innocent facebook search is it? He said he lied because he thought id be pissed off (even writing that is making me laugh at how cliche it is). Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable about this? Am I overreacting to what he claims is just an innocent look on facebook?

Lozfc Sun 14-Jun-15 10:42:10

He's probably just checking someone out and feels a bit stupid now

RaisingMen Sun 14-Jun-15 10:43:45

Really? I will happily admit I could be overly emotional about this, 3 weeks since giving birth etc, but to search repeatedly made me think he's a bit too keen to find her?

StayGoldPonyBoy Sun 14-Jun-15 10:46:48

If he speaks to her all the time via work it might be convenient to have her on fb. Or he might be curious to know more about her? I will admit to searching work colleagues and never adding them, just to be noseyblush

Would you be so bothered about it if she were a male colleague?

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 14-Jun-15 10:47:10

It's not okay!!

One search for her may be put down as curiosity but to repeatedly search under different spellings - that's not right.

Trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong. I'm not alluding to him cheating, or wanting to cheat, but, why does he want to look at this woman's personal life / photos?

Congratulations on your baby by the way.

Snowberry86 Sun 14-Jun-15 10:52:18

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest! How do you think people become friends on facebook- they search for each other and then add them!

I have searched for colleagues or people I meet in real life on facebook and then added them as friends if I have found them.

I really wouldn't worry about this at all!

NickiFury Sun 14-Jun-15 10:53:58

I would think they're being flirty on the phone and he wants to get a look at her.

NickiFury Sun 14-Jun-15 10:54:57

Oh and to be clear that would be because he lied about knowing her and doing the search. Had he been up front I think I wouldn't think too much of it.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 14-Jun-15 10:56:16

It's the lying that is the key here. If it was totally innocent and being nosey then why not say when you asked him first?

Has he searched for other people he speaks to through work or just her?

pocketsaviour Sun 14-Jun-15 10:56:23

No, it is not okay for you to police your husband's Facebook friend interactions.

RaisingMen Sun 14-Jun-15 10:56:26

It's hard to explain why this has bothered me so much.

Maybe it's the fact that he deals with many people through work, all of them he speaks to daily, yet he's not searched for anyone else? He doesn't even have the office staff he sits with every day on his facebook. If he had other make/female colleagues/contacts on there or had searched for them it would be a non issue. And why lie when asked?

pocketsaviour Sun 14-Jun-15 10:56:56

And the fact that you've posted this gives me a good idea why he would have lied, TBH.

RaisingMen Sun 14-Jun-15 11:02:06

Pocket, I didn't police then. When you go to 'search' it brings up your recent searches - you don't have to do anything else. I've openly said I accept I might be overreacting, ive posted so that I can have other people's opinions on whether I am or not. There wasn't any need for you to be rude.

RaisingMen Sun 14-Jun-15 11:02:56

That was my first thought Nicki.

NickiFury Sun 14-Jun-15 11:03:52

You're quite right raising it does bring up you're recent searches and they stay till you go into FB and delete them. You didn't do anything wrong.

NickiFury Sun 14-Jun-15 11:04:08

Your not you're

popalot Sun 14-Jun-15 11:05:16

It would bother me a bit, especially after having a baby. But he is just being silly and he knows you know about it now. The upside is he hasn't found her, so he was just intrigued. He lied to cover up what he did because he was busted, but I don't think he is going to cheat on you. It sounds more like a silly whim. I'd stay away from his facebook and phone; everyone is entitled to private thoughts and we can't control all their whims and fancies. You'll just be looking for something that probably isn't there.

CranstontheCorgi Sun 14-Jun-15 11:05:52

Him lying when asked is a red flag for me, sorry OP.

CranstontheCorgi Sun 14-Jun-15 11:06:28

I've just refreshed and RTFT sorry for x post.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 14-Jun-15 11:06:43

The OP wasn't looking, it came up on recent searches!

popalot Sun 14-Jun-15 11:07:25

...not saying you were snooping on him or anything, just that it's best to stay away because little things can bug you (like 'like'ing someone a lot etc). Oh the joys of the internet!

RaisingMen Sun 14-Jun-15 11:08:29

Thanks Nicki. I only had his bloody phone to search for a post he'd told me about! Had he said 'oh it's someone I know through work' it would have ended there, but he lied.

knowledgeispower Sun 14-Jun-15 11:33:05

I don't think you are unreasonable for questioning this. I'd be annoyed myself at the lying mainly. Would you have been upset if he'd said it was someone he went to school with for example?

I have searched for previous school friends before and I admit some of them I previously had crushes on - was being nosy more than anything! It doesn't mean I love or care about my DP any less. Maybe he was concerned it would upset you?

Fearless91 Sun 14-Jun-15 11:45:14

No this isn't okay.

I've been in a similar situation. To search somebody once or twice is fine but to be constantly searching her??? Especially several times a day. Why is he so desperate to find her profile?
If he couldn't find her the first two times most people would've given up.. But to try another 3 times says something.

I think the fact that half his searches are of this woman makes it worse as well.

Personally I think you should ask him for the truth and the back story of who this woman is and why he's so desperate to find her on Facebook.

RaisingMen Sun 14-Jun-15 11:52:01

Ok I now have his iPad which has all his work emails on. Do I or don't i? I hate this, I have never ever had reason to doubt him or want to snoop before sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now