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My DB just makes me feel so worthless. Advice please?

(9 Posts)
madmother1 Sun 14-Jun-15 02:30:24

I'm very menopausal at the moment, so a little sensitive. My DB and I used to be quite close but since our parents have died I feel we actually do not have a great deal in common. He and his partner do not have children so I have tried to keep them in our life.
My DB used to tease and be nasty to my DM when she was alive and constantly belittled her. I feel he is now treating me the same way.
It's got to the point where I don't invite him round anymore and tend to meet in a café about once a fortnight.
The other evening I invited DB and his DP for a cuppa and cake as it was my DS birthday. I was trying to make 6 cups of hot drinks and talk etc. I muddled the order up because I have a constant brain fog. My DB just kept going on about how I had dementia! He then said in a loud voice to his partner that I was ignoring him while making the drinks. I tried to brush it off by a saying I was tired and frazzled by work. I gave him his tea, he said it was ok, but I'll never get it right! Then, I lit the candles for the cake and he told me off about leaving the match, that I'd blown out on top of the matches, saying my house could burn down.
My reaction is to endure this quietly and then when he leaves, I cry and vow to not see him again. My teenagers think he is appalling and they too hate seeing him now. Shall I just go NC or just meet up in our normal mutual place where strangly he tends to behave, although he did manage to argue with the barmaid about something trivial the last time we were out. Thoughts please, from an emotional, woman who in normal life holds down a good job and is a happily single Mum.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 14-Jun-15 03:34:01

He's not really adding anything positive to your life, is he? And it appears that your children feel he doesn't add anything positive to theirs, either. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean he's a nice person or that you have to put up with his mean-ness. And he is mean.

I'd go NC. At the very least, I wouldn't instigate any meetings (I'm assuming the fortnightly cafe meet ups are at your instigation).

I wouldn't explain or confront him about his behaviour. It won't do any good. I'd just stop calling him.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 14-Jun-15 04:15:54

Your not very dear b is an obnoxious twat who derives pleasure from putting women down and making them feel bad about themselves. How did his dp respond to his spectacular display of bad manners when they were guests in your home, or is she too browbeaten to speak up and/or put him in his place?

Your dcs have got him sussed and you can at least assure them that you won't be inflicting his presence on them again, which leaves it up to you to decide whether you want to continue seeing him outside of your home. However, , before doing so you're best advised to ask yourself exactly what you get out of these meetings and whether you will feel any great lack in your life if you don't continue them or reduce them to, say, once a month or less.

That said, I'm concerned that you describe yourself as 'very menopausal' when either modern medicine and/or natural remedies can enable you to function as you've always done. Have you consulted your GP or given any consideration to posting on the General Health board for advice?

FolkGirl Sun 14-Jun-15 04:20:20

I went nc with my brother last year.

I went nc with my mother a few years ago, but began to realise the relationship I had with him was equally dysfunctional. He is loud, sexist, rude amd a bit of a bully.

It makes me sad that I have no family anymore, but once the children start to notice/be affected, I think you have to protect them from hearing it. And then protect yourself.

madmother1 Sun 14-Jun-15 09:47:55

Ah thank you all. I woke up to some positive help. His DP is a very strong character and doesn't take any s**t on the surface, although very strangely my DB is controlling on some levels, wanting to be with her all the time, checking her phone et c. Their relationship is only a few years old. My ex DH, who i am still on good terms with, says that my DB just cant handle women and also finds him difficult.
Menopausal wise, I'm on Elleste solo. I will make an appointment with my GP as I'm so forgetful and perhaps need to change my pill. I try not to instigate meetings, it's just when it gets to the point of feeling we 'have' to catch up and get it over with. It just makes me sad as he's my only relative. I am lucky that I have a good network of friends who keep me happy and busy. Thank you all. Today is a new start smile

Anniegetyourgun Sun 14-Jun-15 11:33:04

Life is too short to entertain rude people even if they are related to you.

Velvetbee Sun 14-Jun-15 11:41:57

You don't need this person in your life. People around you should be supportive and kind, don't invite him round again.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 14-Jun-15 14:02:27

I can understand how you feel regarding him being your only relative. If you feel the need to 'catch up' would you be able to keep low contact via email (as long as he doesn't start his crap in emails, too)? If not, you truly are better off without him. Life is just too short to put up with people who make us feel bad.

Hissy Sun 14-Jun-15 14:28:03

Why not just call him out?

Tell him that he mistreated your mother and that wasn't acceptable, and he won't be doing it to you know she's gone.

He is an arse and has no right to check his partner's phone. Perhaps if you stood up to him and voiced your anger at the way he treats women, she'd see too and find someone who is worth her time?

Life is too short to take shit from idiotic twats like your brother.

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