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Don't know whether I'm coming or going!

(14 Posts)
CressidaCrisis Sat 13-Jun-15 17:35:59

Married to DH for 20 years, (2DCs) mostly happily though we've had our ups and downs. DH is mercurial in temperament, or as he would describe it, 'Celtic'.
We have some spectacular rows but always make up and do love each other.

DH seems to be having a crisis ATM. He's been on ADs for over 6 months, we've both had health scares in the last year but were there for each other.
He lost his job, for the third time in February (happens a lot in IT) and has been out of work, on JSA since.

We had a love-in on my day off on Wednesday, he hated me on Thursday, loved me on Friday but today he's gone too far. We fell out at the check-out at Sainsbury's (he hates shopping). He wanted to unload the trolley, to be helpful,but grabbed my wrist and told me not to do. I told him not to treat me like that in public, he couldn't get over it, walking off and leaving me with the car, though I don't drive.
We stopped and rowed on the way home and once home he threw the shopping out of the car and drove off with the boot open.

When he returned he went up to the bedroom and packed a bag, telling DS that I'd made his life hell for 20 years. I'm torn between wanting out when he's like this and loving him when he's not.

He went back to bed and has been asleep for over 3 hours. The bedroom floor is covered with pills, I thought for a second that he'd OD'd but they're all his AD's and medication for his ED. He's obviously trying to send me a not so subtle message that I make him depressed and impotent.

Tomorrow he may be lovely. hmm
How do I cope with the bad days? He's having such a hard time at the moment, I want to be there for him but don't want to tolerate such behaviour either.

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Jun-15 17:42:53

So he packed his bags and then came back again?

I'd be scared living with someone who's moods swing like that. Are you? Is your son?

I think he intended you to think he's taken an overdose, by the way. In any case, whatever his reasoning was, his behaviour was very cruel.

pocketsaviour Sat 13-Jun-15 17:45:37

It's understandable that he's depressed and stressed, but it's absolutely unacceptable for him to take those emotions out on you, and especially on your DS, that was a fucking atrocious thing to say.

I think you need to have a serious sit down with him and let him know that he has not just crossed a line, he's thrown himself over it balls first. If he can't moderate his behaviour around the people who actually want to fucking help him, then you need to protect your DS by leaving (or for preference, get him to leave until he's given his head a wobble an realised that his behaviour is ultimately hurting himself.)

winkywinkola Sat 13-Jun-15 17:46:01

If someone threatens to leave then make them leave.

You can't live like that.

I bet once you kicked him out he'd start to behave.

Creatureofthenight Sat 13-Jun-15 17:46:33

Would he go and see a doctor about his mental state, maybe get his meds adjusted? I don't know much about MH issues but this is not normal behaviour, I'm afraid 'being Celtic' is not a reasonable excuse.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 13-Jun-15 17:48:20

I would be asking him to leave. Being nice one day and horrid the next will just have you walking on eggshells aka living in fear of him. His actions are not loving ones.

How long have you all lived like this?.

Do not clear up after him either; he is responsible for the mess he has made and you simply cannot live like this any more. You are not responsible for him ultimately.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

It was unfair of him also to involve your son in all this, these children have probably seen and heard more than you care to realise in their lives as well. What do you think they are learning about relationships from the two of you as their parents?.

CressidaCrisis Sat 13-Jun-15 17:49:42

No, he packed his bag but didn't leave.

DS is 18 and bigger than him. He gave DH his forthright opinion on his driving!
He's not devious at all (unlike me) and wouldn't be so calculating as to do something like stage an OD. I'm an HCP so was able to work out very quickly what drugs they were.

I've just taken him a cup of tea as he's been in bed since before 2pm but he's not speaking to me. I've had enough but he looks depressed rather than angry. He got turned down for a job he wanted yesterday.

CressidaCrisis Sat 13-Jun-15 17:54:05

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Some good days and some very bad ones. sad I do still love him though.

He has been to the doctor, but needs to go back. My worry is that he'll take himself off the AD's.

ALaughAMinute Sat 13-Jun-15 18:04:28

He got turned down for a job he wanted yesterday.

The bedroom floor is covered with pills

This is a cry for help! Support him all you can and keep watching him. Please take this seriously. Sometimes you don't get a second chance.

I know this is difficult for you but you must be strong.


AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 13-Jun-15 18:09:27

That is not what I meant. I meant what needs of yours is met from this relationship. Do you still feel that you can still save or rescue him from his emotional pain?. I mean this kindly but you're the last person who can help him here and he does not want your help.

Why did you take him up a cup of tea after all that he did to you and your son?. That is a question you should be asking your own self.

I am wondering whether you are co-dependent when it comes to relationships, why are his needs seemingly still more important than yours?.

kittensinmydinner Sat 13-Jun-15 18:17:57

This sounds uncannily like my DH who has finally been diagnosed with bi-polar. I know it's hard, but try and get him to a GP. (Or do as I did, see the GP, explain your worries and then convince him to go. If he is anything like mine, the only way to do it is to be EXTRA loving ( at the time I wanted to bury him under the patio ��) but on the right meds life is unbelievably better . It's not an easy journey but well worth it. (My DH also in I.T btw... Seems to be an occupation that suits BP)

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 13-Jun-15 18:24:41

At the very least he needs medical assessment now from his GP. This person certainly needs to be informed of recent developments.

CressidaCrisis Sat 13-Jun-15 18:55:25

He does but it was a letter from one consultant to another that he was CC'd into that has also upset him; it listed his current medical history, which is very complex, and he was upset that he had so many things wrong with him.

The ADs were on the floor as he's decided he's not going to take them anymore as they're a sign of "weakness of spirit" as there's "nothing wrong with him". hmm

I'll do my best to get him to see the GP but a) it's his decision, not mine and b) the only one he likes and trusts has just taken a career break.

Melonfool Sat 13-Jun-15 20:11:43

I don't think IT jobs do necessarily come and go like that, I work on HR, have worked for two large IT firms and an IT dept of another firm, and my dp works in IT - it's actually tough to find decent staff. So I wonder if maybe he needs to look into updating his training or coaching for interviews?

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