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Letting go - but it hurts!

(10 Posts)
givemehopehelpmecope Sat 13-Jun-15 17:26:27

I finished it with my depressed P on tues after one too many crises & feeling exhausted with carrying him & walking on eggshells. I have spent a lot of time reflecting,crying & reading articles on Heartless ;). I'm trying so hard to let him go, he definitely wasn't right for me (I wrote a thread about when should you give up on a depressed P & got some brilliant advice), but this is my first weekend without him & it really hurts. I'm missing the person he was when we met, not the person he has been in the last 6 months & I just can't stop thinking about him, wondering what he's doing & generally torturing myself. I've got 2 lovely dc & have been trying to be upbeat for them. I bet he's already got the next woman lined up :/. I just wish I'd taken heed of all the red flags months ago. Anyone else feeling the same at the moment?

pocketsaviour Sat 13-Jun-15 17:51:30

It always hurts to end a relationship, even when you know it's the right thing to do. wine and cake for you to try to keep you cheerful smile

LineRunner Sat 13-Jun-15 17:54:19

Yeah, it hurts even when you're ending a crap relationship (or one that has become crap).

Why do you think he already has another woman lined up? Is he that shallow?!

givemehopehelpmecope Sat 13-Jun-15 18:04:51

Thanks ladies. I do actually have a glass of wine in hand smile. The reason i think there's another woman lined up is that he's doing a course & kept mentioning another (female) person doing it. How she's going to 'help' with his writing. And general 'checking out' of the relationship... Plus he flipped at me a couple of times after i made seemingly innocent comments (general comments, not about this other person). I was scared, told him & he exploded & marched off out of my house. Why am i missing THAT??? God I'm in my 40s & should know better lol. But like i said it still hurts, no matter how old you are :'(.

LineRunner Sat 13-Jun-15 18:08:54

Oh dear, that sounds awful. Just awful. He either wants to be in a relationship with you or he doesn't.

I think you should breathe a sigh of relief to be honest that he's gone. And wine

CarbeDiem Sat 13-Jun-15 22:02:51

It will get better OP.
I'm a few weeks ahead of you (2 months since I left ex)
I still miss my ex and sometimes feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by others BUT each week that passes it is getting easier.
You are spot on - it does still hurt no matter how old you are (I'm not far behind you in age) and I also get the missing the person he was too - I feel the same sometimes. I just keep telling myself that he was no longer that person in the end.
Like me, it sounds very much that you've done the right thing. Mine was swinging between begging me to go back, to give him another chance to more recently putting himself on a dating site smile That part's not really bothering me if I'm honest as I think I more miss the friendship than anything but I remind myself that he will behave with and treat a new partner how he did with me and quite frankly I'm happy it's not me.
Take care of yourself and allow yourself a good cry to get it out then try to dry those tears xx

givemehopehelpmecope Sat 13-Jun-15 22:16:47

Thanks Carbediem. I've managed to get through my first Saturday evening on my own (with the help of wine & a fab prog about the 90s smile). But i am CONSTANTLY thinking about him you know? What's he doing? Why hasn't he called (why would i want him to???) ? Is he spinning the same yarn to someone else? Would he be different if with someone else? Aaarrrggghhh all these questions. And no bloody answers. But i KNOW in my heart I've done right by myself & my dc.

Placeinthesun Sun 14-Jun-15 09:08:52

Hi OP. Sorry you're feeling like this. I'm still also a little wrapped up with my depressed exDP. Saw him at an event yesterday, he wanted to spend time with me but was really going through the mill - stuttery, down, poss close to a panic attack - he didn't react well to my other friends at the event and basically wanted me to be there but didn't make any conversation. There were loads of people having a fab time at the event, loads of people I knew and was saying hi to. He was just glum and silent. He came back to mine after but just sat around in silence when I said I was struggling to know how to help, didn't know how to force the conversation along etc. He wanted to watch a movie, I couldn't cope with sitting in the gloom at 9pm while he brooded - I had household chores and a good book so he went. I feel a little like a heel for not having said I'd support him and just sit with him but it was really dragging me down.

Focus on you, not what he's up to. It's hard when you do care for someone and have tried to help and understand. Like you I miss the person I first met and the fun and laughter - and not being a robot - can't just 'switch off' my feelings.

Well done for getting through your first saturday night, I've filled up a many of my upcoming weekends as poss so I'm busy and won't have too much time for thinking and reflection but I still feel like the heartless cow who's kicked someone when they're down.

givemehopehelpmecope Sun 14-Jun-15 10:41:41

Thanks placeinthe sun. That's exactly what he was like: we'd be out with both of our sets of children having fun & he would be sitting in gloom & silence, spoiling it for us all. And yes, all he ever wanted to do was sit & watch TV, brooding & I was scared to mention anything. I just didn't want to be dragged down anymore & I need to keep healthy for me & my children. Thanks for sharing.

CarbeDiem Sun 14-Jun-15 12:22:34

Those questions are normal and most of the time you don't really want the answers anyway, if that makes sense.
The first weekend of your new life is almost over - the next one will be a little better and so on.
When the doubt and questions creep in just keep reminding yourself why you ended it.

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