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Dh siding with teenage dd and doing all activities together

(50 Posts)
whatisforteamum Sat 13-Jun-15 15:56:27

Dh and i have had a very challenging yr,He is under going help for his anger and hearing and bad back all since his heart attack 18 months ago.
I work long hrs and as dd is almost 18 she and dh help out with chores food shopping and etc and he takes her to activities or drops her off to catch buses etc. This would be great but he NEVER does anything with ds 16.Never has and refuses to discuss it.ds is his son btw.
The weird thing is he allows dd to answer me back like he does and they decide big things for example our rabbit had babies on had bad eye and we had to decide to pay for op or get animal put to sleep which on 4 week old bun would be sad but less costly and time consumming as i have work alot and my df is deteriorating fast with his aggressive cancer.
i made descision then dh and dd went against it taking about 6 trips to the vets at cost and time to the whole family knowing im working sunday and next week end is him golfing then me working 10 am /1130 pm.
2 weeks ago was him collecting dd from a wedding she went to the week before he went golfing i gave him some b day money and he got paraletic drunk and kept me awake despite my df being very ill and having to go to hosp with an infection the next day,
I just wondered has anyone ever felt like a lodger in their own home and the dd makes the rules ? or is it just me.
I am grateful for their support while i work i just find it odd he does so much with her when i am his wife together 28 yrs and we have ds.

Cancookdontcook Sat 13-Jun-15 16:01:29

Yes that does sound odd. What does your son think of his father not spending time with him. Why does your dh refuse to discuss it?

It is certainly an unusual family dynamic but it is difficult to know what is going on or why without knowing more.

Aside from that it seems like there are problems between you and your husband and his disrespectful behaviour towards you.

I would be having a serious talk with him about the future of your marriage.

Branleuse Sat 13-Jun-15 16:06:15

its called spousification of a child I think

pocketsaviour Sat 13-Jun-15 16:13:07

My dad this to my mum, with me. He ended up molesting me confused

whatisforteamum Sat 13-Jun-15 16:18:16

oh ok i do sometimes leave them too it regards tea and chores but i dont expect them to be making all descisions regarding things for the home etc or that before anyone says anything it is not a creepy intimate thing just mobile phones bought and secrets like the rabbit they got me for xmas that then had lots of babies so they mostly had to deal with it.He refuses to tell her off or discipline her.
It all started with rock gigs a few yrs ago now it is most things have to go past the pair of them errmm.

whatisforteamum Sat 13-Jun-15 16:19:02

oh god no im so sorry pocket sad

Branleuse Sat 13-Jun-15 16:20:15

its actually a form of abuse. Look up covert emotional incest

whatisforteamum Sat 13-Jun-15 16:21:25

Did your dad do most of the weekend days out with just you ? I admit our ds is very quiet but he makes no attempt with him i have to tell him when his exams are etc .

Fugghetaboutit Sat 13-Jun-15 16:21:51

Yes. Creepy and weird.

Have you sat him down and spoken to him very clearly about it?

GlitzAndGigglesx Sat 13-Jun-15 16:24:04

It does sound rather weird

rumred Sat 13-Jun-15 16:25:19

It sounds extremely unhealthy I'm afraid. Why would your beloved husband gang up with anyone against you? He sounds like he's courting her and making her feel adult and important. Not good on many levels

whatisforteamum Sat 13-Jun-15 16:27:58

Goodness i feel sick i thought df dying was my biggest worry..yes ive said he needs to show same attention to ds or he will notice in time while we were walking then he said he would go home if all i did was nag on and refuses to see a problem letting a 17 r old make financial descisions while they dont work and as for the dont tell mum ive bought second hand mobile again that is just odd surely he thought i would see it !!

mrstweefromtweesville Sat 13-Jun-15 16:28:28

Still sleeping on the floor?
You've allowed this situation to develop because you feel guilty about your affair years ago.
You've let your husband treat you like an unwelcome guest in your own home, you didn't move out.
Now you say he's bonded in an unhealthy way with his daughter. Or is she just your daughter?
He doesn't share decision making with you and he won't even let you sleep in his bed while he's in it.
I'm sorry, I mean you no harm and I'd like you to have a nicer life. But you keep finding things to complain about and all the time you're supporting his behaviour by going along with it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 13-Jun-15 16:28:36

It's very weird. It sounds like he's replacing you with her because she seems to agree him on everything and vice versa.

Cancookdontcook Sat 13-Jun-15 16:30:10

No, them having secrets they are keeping from you is not healthy for your daughter.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 13-Jun-15 16:30:31

Also with the finances, I'd take control of your money so its not your money being used.

whatisforteamum Sat 13-Jun-15 16:33:38

i think he thinks 2 against one as im quite a strong independent woman but really the fact men look at her when we go out as she is attractive and is scaring me she wraps him round her little finger and ive had to point out what she can and cant have before they go out.There is no heres a tenner for the equivalent for Ds when they get back he must feel so hard done by i can see it a mile off sad

whatisforteamum Sat 13-Jun-15 16:35:33

already have with the money im no fool luckily just confused.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 13-Jun-15 16:36:19

Has this also been the dynamic or has it been a recent thing?

Fairenuff Sat 13-Jun-15 16:37:01

OP you have it completely in your power to change this situation. It is unhealthy for both your children and also for yourself.

Is your dd doing A levels at the moment or what?

pocketsaviour Sat 13-Jun-15 16:45:17

Yes OP, my dad started taking me on days out just on my own and not bringing my sister. He said it was because she wouldn't behave sad He also used to take me to work with him when school was out.

I'm not saying that your H is physically molesting your DD but he is definitely putting her in a parentified position which is emotionally very harming to her. My dad would do stuff like consult with me about buying a new car or a new van, or new equipment for the business. We're talking 1000s of pounds and I was 13. Then he would go home and he'd mention it at dinner "We're getting a new car next week. Pockets and I test drove it today and we agreed it's the best one." My mum would just be like "Okay." Leave aside the physical stuff, it turns the family dynamic on its head and its horribly unhealthy. The fact that he's excluding your DS (and refusing to discuss his reasons) is worrying. And will be very hurtful for your DS.

whatisforteamum Sat 13-Jun-15 16:46:34

dd left school last yr applied for jobs and now is going to college.I have felt like leaving dh and dd to it as im so excluded now i know i cant.TBH often im not here so they have to get food shopping but Everything revolves around her and im not jealous its just the last 2/ 3 yrs and started with her and friend goig to gigs with other girls mum as teens need lifts to places.and i wouldnt go to a rock gig anyway.

LumpySpacedPrincess Sat 13-Jun-15 16:48:24

She isn't wrapping him round her finger, please don't blame your daughter because she is attractive. This whole scenario is weird and creepy and is damaging to all concerned.

whatisforteamum Sat 13-Jun-15 16:51:06

thanks pocket he refuses to discuss anything which is odd discussing is going on or moaning.i am happy for them to do things together but not to the exclusion of me or ds .We did have a weekend away this yr,I really dont know where to turn tbh.I feel so lonely with this and df planning his funeral whatever next !!

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 13-Jun-15 16:51:28

Has your H been spending time with your DD's friends DM?

I ask because maybe your DD knows something and your H is trying to placate her.

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