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Tonight my ex...

(39 Posts)
Hurr1cane Sat 13-Jun-15 04:31:06

Showed up at 9pm banging on my door so I let him in, at which point he stood in my kitchen telling me to kill him, then he left.

Then I was woken up by banging on the door at 2:30am at which point he started begging me to let him in and said he needed my help. I offered to pass him out some money to get him a taxi home but he refused and just kept knocking for half an hour then left.

Then back he came at 3:30 am. Banging again. Telling me that he was just going to go and kill himself. I still didn't let him in and eventually he left.

Now he's messaged saying he has pulled himself together.

This has been going on for the past week, not him coming round but me waking up to 30+ emails ranging from begging me to come back to calling me names and saying he hates me.

I really don't know how to handle this now. We were together for 3 years, but for the last 2 he never really bothered with me at all, never came round much, spent all his money on going out drinking or feeding the bandit etc, and when I had a miscarriage stopped talking to me completely. Even when i said how much I needed him after losing the baby.

He wasn't even bothered when we did break up, didn't send a message at all, this has all only started since I started dating someone.

I don't understand it at all or know what to do. On one hand, he wasn't arsed about me at all and was really nasty to me when we were together, but on the other hand if I ignore him and he does kill himself it'll be my fault won't it?

I do have a DS with disabilities so I get next to no sleep during the week, and tonight is my only night of proper sleep as he goes to his dad's and now I've hardly got any so I'm really tired and emotional as well which isn't helping me think clearly.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 13-Jun-15 04:45:16

You need to send one final message telling him that he is not to contact you and he is not to show up at your house or you will call the police. Then block his number. Follow through if he shows up.

He is NOT your responsibility. He's a manipulative bully who only wants what he can't have. And NO NO NO you are NOT responsible for any actions he takes, up to and including killing himself. But it won't come to that, his type threatens to keep you engaged with them, but they don't follow through.

You need to be calm and rested for your DS, and yourself.

Hurr1cane Sat 13-Jun-15 05:14:44

Thank you. I needed to hear that. I have blocked his number that's why he started emailing so I blocked his email and he set up another one and carried on emailing... It's starting to wear me down a bit now.

diggerdigsdogs Sat 13-Jun-15 05:18:37

Read The Gift of Fear.

It is really, really clear on NOT giving any oxygen at all to people who stalk or exhibit stalking behaviour.

Block his number, ignore the door, call the police. Refuse to engage.

He is not your problem. You are not responsible for him. His actions are his choice and nothing to do with you.

diggerdigsdogs Sat 13-Jun-15 05:19:33

Actually I think I would call 101 anyway and discuss the situation. It's really not on at all.

Hurr1cane Sat 13-Jun-15 05:25:43

Thank you. If I get any more hassle after tonight I will call 101. The stupid thing is that I would have given anything for him to be even slightly interested in me 8 months ago, but he pushed me away and now I really don't want him back at all. Like I said it was only when he found out, probably through a gossiping mutual friend, that I'd started dating, that he started all this. It's all very 'I don't want anyone else playing with my toys'.

Fortunately up until now he hasn't been round while DS was in the house. But then again he probably knows that would get a very bad reaction from me, I've never argued with him around DS and I don't plan to start now he's gone.

StEdmundsPippins Sat 13-Jun-15 06:01:44

It sounds very much like he doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to want you either. Selfish, selfish man!

Any actions he may take will most definitely be HIS fault, not yours, for we are all each responsible for what we do.

I agree with the PP's. Block his number. Delete any emails from him before you open them - or put them into a folder. And if he turns up at your door, don't respond to him, just call the police and let them deal with him.

flowers for you and your little one, and good luck in your future.

Hurr1cane Sat 13-Jun-15 06:09:56

Thank you. I do need to disengage now. He isn't going to kill himself. He's threatened that loads now just because he knows it'll get a reaction but when I refuse to come back he turns nasty again really fast

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Sat 13-Jun-15 06:11:52

What he does is not your responsibility or your fault.

I would call the police (101) tell them he has been threatening suicide. They can deal with it. If he genuinely needs help, you can't help him either way. Tell 101 everything.

You've definitely done the right thing leaving him. You were probably supposed to come crawling back, instead you moved on, and so he's decided to bully you into taking him back.

I hope you can get some sleep today flowers

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Sat 13-Jun-15 06:13:12

Whatever happens, next time he threatens suicide, call the police. It will either call his bluff and get him to stop, or get him help. Distance yourself every way you can.

Hurr1cane Sat 13-Jun-15 06:15:59

I will do. I was really tempted to last night but I just couldn't bring myself to do it because there's probably loads of genuine people that they could be Helping instead of running around after him when he's just being a nob.

StEdmundsPippins Sat 13-Jun-15 06:23:54

But you would be one of the genuine people they could be helping OP, if you had to call them out due to him turning nasty and harrassing you.
This is how creeps like him work, they play on your good nature, so you need to toughen up a little where he's concerned.

They'd soon get fed up of his behaviour and deal with him accordingly.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Sat 13-Jun-15 06:45:05

If he threatens suicide and doesn't mean it at all, then the police should be there to give him a bollocking and you will have done the right thing. If he threatens suicide and there's a chance he's ill, then the police should be there to get him the help he needs and you will have done the right thing. It's a win win!

Time to put yourself first. Can you nap at all today?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 13-Jun-15 06:51:19

Jesus love call the police next time he shows up at your house. In fact call them today on 101 and get an appointment to go through all the harassing emails and texts and get his behaviour logged and if they will do put a marker on the house.

GoatsDoRoam Sat 13-Jun-15 07:11:50

He's stalking and harassing you. I agree with a PP that you are absolutely a person that the police should be helping right now, so you would not be wasting their time. I was also going to recommend that you call 101 or drop in to your nearest police station and tell them about the stalking and harassment and threatening behaviour (his threats of suicide are designed to intimidate you).

GoatsDoRoam Sat 13-Jun-15 07:13:13

And please don't open your door to him again.
Any reaction or attention at all from your part, even negative, just fuels more of this behaviour from him.
And having an unstable man in your home is just plain dangerous.

aintgonnabenorematch Sat 13-Jun-15 07:18:48

To be honest, the Police do waste a lot of time running around after people who are being knobs! But it's far better for them to be doing it (and safer for all involved) than it would be for you to be doing it.

You have to be strictly no contact with your ex now. And he will react badly and make threats to harm himself. It's not your responsibility to sort him out or try to help him though.

Foxyboombastic Sat 13-Jun-15 07:28:25

If you have to change your email and give the new one to everyone but him - do it. And next time he calls round, tell him to leave or you will call the police. And follow through on it. He is a dangerous man (to others and potentially himself) when he's in this frame of mind. You will not be wasting police time, that's what they are there for. 90% of their time is spend running around after / cleaning up the mess left behind by knobs!

You have to be tough on this - any chink in your amour will only give him the excuse he needs in his own mind to keep going with it. My best friend had a very similar situation with her ex boyfriend and he ended up standing in her garden staring up at her bedroom window every night shock she got a restraining order, he got some counseling and luckily they have both moved on, but at the time she was utterly and completely terrified, and it is not acceptable for anyone to make you feel like that.
Good luck

AcrossthePond55 Sat 13-Jun-15 15:45:18

How are you doing OP? Hopefully all is quiet today & you've been able to get in a nap.

Hurr1cane Sat 13-Jun-15 16:12:14

Hi everyone, sorry for the lack of update today, I really appreciate all your advice.

The man I've been dating has been absolutely amazing about it all. I felt I had to be open about it in case it happened when he was round and he came and picked me up after he finished his night shift and we had a sleep at his house so I felt safe.

It's all been quiet today so I'm hoping it means last night and me being so cold towards him snapped him out of it.

Hurr1cane Sat 13-Jun-15 16:15:46

But if it does all start up again I will ring 101. I do feel a bit sorry for him but it seems to be only happening at nights when he's likely been on a cocktail of drink and drugs so I'm not getting my hopes up too much.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 13-Jun-15 16:30:38

Perhaps you should call 101 beforehand and tell them what's gone on. I think you can file a report on what's happened so far and they can flag your address.

Your new 'flame' sounds lovely.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Sat 13-Jun-15 16:52:31

Glad you've found someone nice smile

Don't feel too sorry for him. He's affecting you and your daily life. That's not ok.

Feel confident that 101 is the right decision if the time comes. Hopefully he won't be back flowers

RandomMess Sat 13-Jun-15 16:58:07

Ring 101 during the day, if he turns up creating a scene dial 999.

Joysmum Sat 13-Jun-15 17:04:16

I'm with the others, call 101 and then if it happens again then call again.

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