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Just found a lovely new guy but I can't let my feelings for my abusive ex go

(12 Posts)
BunletMum Sat 13-Jun-15 01:06:11

I don't understand why I'm so hung up over my ex. He was a total arse and physically abused me, along with a lot of verbal, mental and financial abuse too. But he seems to have changed back into the loving helpful guy I fell in love with and I just can't let go, I desperately want to. I know this changed behaviour won't last and even now he has begun to slip in his "nice guy" act, he really made me feel intimidated today.
How can I stop longing for him, it's so silly because I know he is no good for me. He will never be the man he pretended to be, he doesn't even help support our daughter but still expects me to feed him and let him stay over.
I realise that I've done a very stupid thing and have been sleeping with him, this has made me feel all confused.
I have met someone who is kind and respectful, I'd really like to give it a proper shot with him. How can I get my heart to listen to sense and stop caring about my ex? I don't want to love my ex, most of the time I hate him but then I see a tiny glimpse of who I fell in love with and the old feelings take over.
Feel free to be harsh I know I have been a total idiot here, but someone tell me that what I feel for my ex isn't real and I deserve to be free of him.

GoatsDoRoam Sat 13-Jun-15 07:30:40

How can I stop longing for him

You can end all contact with him, so that you are no longer under the spell of his "loving helpful guy" act, and no longer hooked by post-coital hormones.
It's dazzling because it's designed to be, in order to reel you back in. Shield yourself from it.

So tell me: what actions are you going to take to end all involvement with this man?

I know you're still addicted to him and don't want to go through with the hard actions of cutting contact. But in theory: what would you need to do in order to cut contact with him completely? Write it down here.

BunletMum Sat 13-Jun-15 08:09:26

It would be hard to cut contact completely, I still think he needs a relationship with DD.
I need to stop being friends with him and keep any communication strictly about DD. It just seems so harsh to do. How would I go about making that clear without feeling like I'm the one in the wrong?

Hidsup Sat 13-Jun-15 08:28:27

Fake it until you make it.

Be business like, not friendly. Limit any chit chat. Cut across him if he's chatting about unnecessary things - polite but ending the social chat. Ignore any niceties and don't respond to smiles. Don't smile! Seriously come over as if he was a door to door salesman.

He will realise his act isn't working

...then make a date with a really nice bloke.

GoatsDoRoam Sat 13-Jun-15 08:56:12

You don't need to "make anything clear" to him. It's not him you have to convince about anything, it's you. And then act on that new belief.

For example:

- agreed contact arrangements, in writing.
- no deviating from the agreement.
- written communication only, about practical matters concerning DD only.
- doorstep handovers.
- and that's it, no extras: no conversations, no sex, no mooning about him.

BunletMum Sat 13-Jun-15 09:08:02

I have tried not to just chat, but I always get dragged back in by him asking about mutual interests. I just have found it so hard to make new friends that I can just chat to and I think he kind of plugs that idle chit chat hole.

I don't want to be sucked back in by him, but the more I struggle against it the more he steps up his charm offensive. I guess at least I can recognise it for what it is, simply an act to get me back where he wants me.

Why is it so difficult to let go completely? I know now that he was never a "great" guy and he just acted that way until I was basically nothing but an extension of his desires. So why is it that now I'm free all I can think about is all the good times we shared?

It's been a year just me and DD now, I thought I would be at least able to fully process what happened by now.

I've made a date with a lovely bloke smile that's why I'm asking for help with these stupid nonsensical feelings for my ex. I just want to know I can be happy without my ex, despite his protests that he is the only one who can make me happy.

GoatsDoRoam Sat 13-Jun-15 09:18:05

Stop giving him leeway to tell you that he is the only one who can make you happy.

You do not need to participate in idle chit chat, or sex, with him. You are choosing to engage in both these activities. You have free will. Exercise it.

GoatsDoRoam Sat 13-Jun-15 09:24:02

Treat it as you would any other addiction: Cold turkey. Iron will. Have strategies in place for when you feel yourself faltering, which you have thought of and planned before these difficult situations arise.

It's either that, or hang on to the fantasies and the drama and keep getting fucked around by him for a while longer. But that'll do you no good in the long run and you know it. It will also prevent you from getting anywhere healthy with a potential new man, if your thoughts and energy are misdirected like this.

It's your choice. Really, this is all under your control.

BunletMum Sat 13-Jun-15 09:29:09

I think I slipped almost unconsciously into my old ways of just going along with whatever he wanted for an easy life. It's just a habit I think, I don't derive pleasure from his company sexual or otherwise. I just simply let myself go along with it out of old feelings of fear, it feels so hard to explain.

I know I've been a bloody idiot even letting him get close to me again. I have been mooning over him, like a love struck teen. It needs to end now, it's stopping me moving on with my life.

Thanks guys I needed a kick up the bum and some straight talking. I can always rely on mumsnet to set me straight grin

GreatAuntDinah Sat 13-Jun-15 11:45:25

Um I hate to be a downer but is it very fair on new bloke to get involved with him while you're still emotionally entangled with your ex? Maybe try to put a bit of clear blue water between relationships?

twistletonsmythe Sat 13-Jun-15 13:21:34

you need to stop having any relationship with him and to leap into a new relationship now is a terrible idea.

And sort out maintenance too - as well as doorstep handovers. If you can't control yourself then use a third party for that. And do the Freedom Programme too.

pocketsaviour Sat 13-Jun-15 13:47:57

Yes please do the Freedom Programme. It will help you let go of these old patterns of feeling you need to please him.

I would also rethink contact with your DD and him. If he's abusive to you, he's not a good father or role model. I would probably tell him that you'll be expecting him to start paying maintenance, and until then you won't be discussing any further contact arrangements.

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