Friend is 'annoyed' with me

[CharlieChaplinsHat]

This might be quite 'outing' as I'm going to give as much information as not to dripfeed etc. This is the same friend that I've spoken about before (she had been upset with me because I didn't reply to her text fast enough after 2 days).

Last month we went on a long planned trip with our children. She offered to drive me and my DD rather than me getting the train (I don't drive) and I offered to pay her half the petrol money as I think this is the thing to do etc. It was quite a long drive so I know the petrol would be expensive. She turned down my offer, even after I insisted and then offered to buy her dinner or something as a thank you instead.

Anyway, a few days later she comes back to me and says, actually do I mind contributing towards the petrol as she could really do with the money. I say, yes of course. She asked for £10.

We meet up for a day trip, seemed to be having a nice time etc. TBH the money had slipped my mind as we wondered round the shops and hadn't been mentioned at all. All of a sudden she turns round to me, clearly quite pissed off and snaps at me 'Do you not want to pay it, CharlieChaplinsHat? I really don't like having to ask'. I was quite taken aback because the tone was quite harsh and the money had not been mentioned up until that point and I had every intention of giving it to her! I said that it had slipped my mind up until then. She didn't seem to want to give me the benefit of the doubt and kept on going on about how I clearly didn't want to give her the money, and did I think she was out of order for asking? She was really pissy and just stomped off in a huff.

That was about 3 weeks ago, and I sent her a few messages asking if she was alright generally etc, didn't get a reply so a few days ago asked after her again and asked if she was upset about the money and that I hope she wasn't. I told her I felt like she thought I was deliberately not wanting to pay her and that hurt my feelings and that I valued her friendship and hoped we wouldn't fall out. She didn't get back to me again so I sent her a message saying well at least can you let me know that you are alright as I was starting to get worried something had happened. She then got back to me saying that she is alright and yes she is annoyed about the money and that she hasn't got back to me yet because she is busy. Apparently she is going to send me an email telling me why she is upset

I just think that this is so petty and childish. If it was the other way round and someone owed me money I would raise the issue along the lines of 'Oh would you mind giving me that money for the petrol' (you know, something polite etc). I can't get my head round her not replying to my messages. I looks like she has been sulking over something very minor and appeared quite happy to throw away our friendship. I just don't know if I can be arsed with this type of thing.

Sorry this is so long and petty. What do others make of this? Is she being unreasonable or am I?

[withalittlebitofluck]

Over £10 she didn't want in the 1st place?! Op tell her to that she is being a pain in the arse, read the email but dont reply

[pictish]

She is. She sounds pissy, hard work, way intense and a bit of a bully.
I'd bodyswerve.

[fiddlybulb]

She sounds like hard work. Why are you chasing her for a response so hard? If she's this sort of sulk-laden drama queen the best thing you can do is drop it and ignore her hysterics (once you've paid back the money). And get other mates.

[camsie]

YANBU. She sounds rude. Why would you not just ask politely? You haven't done anything wrong OP.

[pictish]

How long have you known her?

[ALaughAMinute]

Assuming you gave her the money I think she's the one who is being unreasonable. Perhaps she has problems you don't know about?

I'd wait until she contacts you.

[camsie]

Sorry, just saw this isn't AIBU.

[Stubbed]

I couldn't be arsed with this. Certainly not if someone sent me an email saying why they were pissed off with me.

Actually a friend did that once and although I apologised for whatever very minor thing it was, I've never considered her a proper friend since. I mean, who does all this ignoring and blaming stuff anyway? Dump her.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Pay her and ditch her. Who suddenly loses it when they were fine just seconds before.

She didnt even want the money anyway.

[Sparkletastic]

Unless there is something major going on in her life that could cause her to behave in this way I would reconsider the friendship

[ThursdayLast]

It does sound like a dramatic reaction.

My first instinct was that maybe she really did need the money - I know that would make me anxious and I would probably be tense about it. do you think that's possible?

I don't think that excuses her behaviour btw. And I think you're well within your rights to let this friendship come to a conclusion.

[JimmyChoosChimichanga]

I would bin her off PDQ. Just ignore in future. If she ever asked why you are ignoring her, say it's because you went totally OTT over a tenner you didn't originally want and accused me of not wanting to give it to you when it had merely slipped my mind and I decided you are to much like hard work and life is too short - end of message! Life is too short for arseholes like this. She is not a friend. If I became hard up, I would not ask for money off people that I had previously said I do not want. If I did I would expect the friendship to be over instantly.

[CharlieChaplinsHat]

It's alright camsie - I did ask in my thread if she or me was being unreasonable

I haven't really known her that long tbh - only about a year and a half. We seem to have a lot in common. We are both single mums to toddlers, are both studying towards degrees and have both suffered recent bereavements. I think she does have a lot on, but so do I (in some ways even more than her which she knows about).

I gave her the money immediately when she mentioned it so that's another reason why I think she should have just let it go. I feel like we get on most of the time but I'm just not sure if I can be bothered dealing with this type of behaviour. I might start feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around her which I am not willing to do.

[fiddlybulb]

I don't think there's anything to consider really. She's been incredibly unreasonable and very rude. You don't have to make a big deal out of it, just don't make any more arrangements with her and as previous poster says, if she asks why give her a straight answer.

[Meerka]

I think you're better off if she does get permanently offended.

[oddfodd]

Having things in common is more about attitudes to life than experiences. By that token, I'd be friends with every single parent of an 8 year old in DS's school and I'm not.

The fact that you gave her the money immediately and she still went on about it suggests to me that she's picking fights for whatever reason.

Disengage

[PeppermintCrayon]

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I remember your other thread. I mean this nicely, but why are you surprised that your needy difficult friend is being needy and difficult?

[FeijoaSundae]

Neither of you are really getting anything out of this relationship. Or, whatever you are getting, is tarnished and wiped out by the needless, petty drama-queening.

I mean, seriously. If someone was that angry with me over a tenner, I'd figure they must really not like me, and I'd make things easy for both of us, and move on.

[pumpkinsweetie]

Sounds like you have to tread on a lot of eggshells. I would reconsider this friendship, as she sounds like she cannot cope with real life.
Childish behaviour on her part!

Sometimes we have to let go of people to make our own lifes better.
Atleast you will be able to relax without this harpendour of doom around!

[CharlieChaplinsHat]

Here;s an update...sorry it is long! I just wanted to get it off my chest and get some MN views.

I hadn't heard from my 'friend' since all this happened until she finally decided to get back to me about her thoughts on the issue on Wednesday via email. I hadn't heard from her for at all for over a month and it was actually over two months since the day we met up and had a go at me. I had binned her off tbh and was not expecting her to come back to me.

Rather than having calmed down in the two months since the incident in question she writes that yes she was really annoyed about the money, that she only asked for a tenner and said that it cost her £60 in petrol money. She said that I was really pissy when she asked and that I did not look like someone who had forgotten about it. She listed off all the things she did whilst we were on our trip (driving me and DD around, giving me some tea bags which I hadn't needed/asked for for my caravan etc) and complained that I didn't offer her a meal as a thank you or anything to help her out etc. She said that I was an inconsiderate person and not the type of person she wants to spend her time with. The overall tone of the email was really rude. She ends the email asking me to post some books that she lent me. This would have been expensive and a faff to do.

This email really annoys me and felt like I didn't want to let her talk to me like this so reply back the next day. I reiterate that I had offered to pay her half the petrol money at the beginning of the holiday (so that would have been £20 more than she later asked for) and that I had offered her a meal but she never took me up on the offer. I also remind her that I offered to look after her DD for the night whilst we were there so she could have a night off/lie in which she did not take me up on, and also bought her and her DD treats and drinks. I also offered to help her out with an overnight stay at mine for her upcoming exam which was in my town (she was worried about getting to the venue in time in the morning from where she lived). I told her that if I came across as being 'pissy' when she asked for the money it was because of the way she 'asked' not because I didn't want to pay it and didn't appreciate effectively her calling me a liar. I told her that she sounds like such a martyr, listing off all these things she did when she refused all help etc, that she should take more responsibility. I also told her that she should learn to talk to people more effectively and perhaps read some books about assertiveness etc. I tell her that I had decided she was not the sort of friend I want in my life and say I won't post the books back as it would be too expensive.

She then gets back to me saying that my email was 'vicious', that me not posting the books back was 'spiteful' and that I am 'rude'. She then lists off a load of other stuff about what a martyr she was (that she spent her last pennies to come to the town to meet us so that she could bring my DDs scooter back). I then say that her email is again OTT and that she hasn't acknowledged anything that I have said.

I get an email from her this morning saying that she hasn't responded to my points because they are 'full of lies' and that I am 'delusional'! She complained that the toy and treats that I bought her didn't cover the cost of the flask she lent me or the tea she offered in her caravan. She wrote 'And my point about the things I had done to help you was to show how it had cost me extra money by you coming which your offers (not actual deeds) did not compensate for'. Jesus Christ, what the fuck am I supposed to do - I offer the bitch half the fucking money, offer to help her with shit, she turns it all down then bashes me round the head for not doing anything! She ends the email calling me 'a liar, a sponge and a thief'.

I got so annoyed when I got her first email but now I honestly believe I'm dealing with someone quite unhinged. I just do not understand how someone can get so disproportionately angry over something so minor, believe that they have been hard done by when it was them that refused all help and be so rude!

I am definitely lucky to get rid. But I would also like to hear other people's views on this too.

[KleineDracheKokosnuss]

I think my entire response would be 'you sound unhinged. Do not contact me again.further communications will be viewed as harassment and reported.'

And then i'd block her on email, phone, etc. She has issues, and you're better off without her.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

She sounds awful, needy and bitchy. Probably one of those who thinks the world is aginst her.

But if she loaned you books and needs them back then you ought to arrange that. Post, or drop them by when next near hers,or tell her you will be in on X day for her to collect them.

[Jan45]

Tbh, loads of people fall out over money, I'd have actually insisted she took the money for the cost of picking you up, folk say no it's fine etc, etc, but I would insist they took it, precisely so what has happened to you doesn't happen to me!

It all sounds very petty, perhaps you two are better off not being friends anymore, communication seems to an issue anyway.

[chocolatechip123]

'You're bonkers, keep the hell away".

That's what I'd say anyway.