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How to leave a good relationship

(14 Posts)
WherehaveIgoneto Fri 12-Jun-15 18:05:55

After posting on here a few weeks back (can't link, on phone) I think I have come to the conclusion that I have to leave my DP of 3 years.

I spent a decade previous to that in an abusive relationship and rushed right into another LTR.

I need time alone. I have to put my needs over the relationship.

However, this is going to devastate both of us. I love him and he loves me, hard and true, back. He doesn't deserve any pain.

So, anyone who has left a good relationship, how did you do it?

My gut says this is the right thing to do, but every other fibre of my being is fighting against it.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Jun-15 18:07:42

why do you need to leave ?

Misssss Fri 12-Jun-15 18:12:14

I haven't read your last thread but why must you leave? Why put yourself through more heartache? Forgive me for being presumptuous but after an abusive relationship your self esteem will be in the gutter and you may feel like you don't deserve happiness, hence this attempt to sabotage it by leaving. Does that make any sense? Does your dp know how you're feeling?

Ouchbloodyouch Fri 12-Jun-15 18:12:25

Oh this is a tricky one. By the time I post this someone else will have posted something far more eloquent..
Anyway, are you feeling suffocated ? Why if you have a good man do you feel the need to be alone? I'm not knocking being alone. I'm not a serial monogamist by any means. Its a genuine question flowers

teatrailer Fri 12-Jun-15 18:16:28

Is it you that's behaving in a way you're not happy with?

WherehaveIgoneto Fri 12-Jun-15 18:21:24


Hope that works!

I just don't feel it is right. I guess the question really do I leave a good person?

I have spent 2 months single since I was 15. My MO is to throw myself into pleasing my partner at the expense of myself. Even though DP is sweet and kind and loving I feel I need to create some sort of boundaries before I can move forward with a relationship.

WherehaveIgoneto Fri 12-Jun-15 18:27:36

And Misssss, yes self esteem (or lack thereof) is a huge issue for me

WherehaveIgoneto Fri 12-Jun-15 18:27:50

And Misssss, yes self esteem (or lack thereof) is a huge issue for me

Misssss Fri 12-Jun-15 18:38:07

Where it's shit isn't it. I hate spending life doubting myself and thinking I'm not good enough. You need to realise that you are great though, you've said you have a decent partner and he must see it in you to want to be with you. I'll have a look at your old thread.

fedupchuck Fri 12-Jun-15 18:38:49

I read your other thread as well. You sound very much like me a year ago. I don't have a huge amount of advice but I would say that ending a relationship where both people still love each other is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced, and something I think I will never recover from. It has scarred me to my very core.
If there are ways of exploring self care while remaining within your relationship - ways of having a bit of time alone, developing hobbies, and learning to slow down/generally get to know yourself, I'd encourage you to embrace that. I know well that feeling of breathlessness and just wanting to be alone, have your own space, process through things that you haven't dealt with but merely stuffed down in your subconscious. It can be a hard place to be in. But if you truly love your partner and they love you, please don't throw it all away without trying everything first. You may sorely regret it months or years down the line.

WherehaveIgoneto Fri 12-Jun-15 18:39:38

Rationally, I get it. And I thought it was fixed, but I have had to be back in touch with my ex recently and I think it has triggered something

WherehaveIgoneto Fri 12-Jun-15 18:43:22


I am trying lots of things - I have even moved in with a friend for a while. I am trying very hard but I don't want to spend time trying if we ultimately break up - it feels cruel to waste his time/give hope.

fedupchuck Fri 12-Jun-15 20:16:15

What happened when you moved in with the friend, how did you feel then? Or do you feel that you simply must have your own space/home etc? I sympathise massively, it is very hard. Have you shared all of these thoughts with him, and do you have friends to talk to and mull all this over with apart from when you offload to your counsellor?

WherehaveIgoneto Fri 12-Jun-15 21:47:29

I feel better for having my own little room....even if just renting it. Just having my own little sanctuary is good.

I have told him everything - been completely honest, which has been hard for him but I think it is always best to not hide things.

And yes, I have great friends. And some of the same ones are supporting him too which I actually think is good for all of us.

But it's horrible... I feel so trapped. My heart says one thing, head the other. I am with him this weekend and he is being so supportive. But I just don't know if I can fix myself within any relationship, regardless of how good it is.

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