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I am sick of feeling sad about someone that was never mine.

(68 Posts)
wwsb Fri 12-Jun-15 14:37:12

Please bear with me, this is pretty long...

I had an amazingly close friendship with a guy, it was obvious there was an attraction between us but I never acted on it because he has a girlfriend. Recently we hung out and stayed up late drinking and had amazing sex. His girlfriend was never brought up and it never really seemed like an issue. For a week after that we were exchanging really intense sexual texts and eventually met up to hook up again. We spent an entire afternoon having sex (this time sober) and everything was fine. The next day I heard nothing from him, which made me feel weird, then the day after I got a text asking how I was. We chatted via text for a while, before I broached the topic of what had happened between us. He simply replied "It would be great if we could do that every now and then" which of course made me feel like crap and I told him so. We've never so much as discussed the fact that he has a girlfriend, or how we feel about what we're doing, it's pretty much just a silent given that we won't tell anyone else. I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling, to which he got really defensive and we had a huge argument. We managed to smooth things over, or at least I thought we did, until later that evening I messaged him and he completely snubbed me. I left it a few hours and messaged him to tell him that that was disrespectful and he'd never have done that to me before we started sleeping together. He replied straight away to say he felt suffocated; I just felt like his whole attitude was really callous towards me. I've since deleted him from Facebook and unfollowed him on Instagram, as well as deleting his number. I felt I needed to purge him from my life in order to find some kind of peace. I got a notification on my phone saying he'd followed me on Instagram, which clearly meant he'd unfollowed me, had a change of heart and re-followed. I messaged him to ask what that was about and all he said was "I'm finding this really awkward and upsetting." We haven't spoken since.

Obviously I feel really used, until that afternoon he'd been hot on my tail, texting me all of the time. When we were friends I couldn't ask for someone nicer in my life, he was always telling me how much loved our friendship and that he was glad he'd met me. I feel betrayed and hurt and I'm so, so sad. I'm not just mourning the loss of my friend, but I also think I might have feelings for this guy. To make matters worse, he seems to have gone into some sort of guilt spiral. I have his girlfriend on Facebook (she added me before any of this stuff ever happened) and since him and I stopped talking everything she posts is then filled with gushing compliments and proclamations of love for her. It makes me feel awful to see and the fact that he's made no effort to reach out to me makes me think he never really cared at all.

What do I do to move on from all of this? I get I've done a horrible thing by being the "other woman" but I just miss my friend more than anything.

Lotsofponies Fri 12-Jun-15 14:50:11

You need to move on. He has used you and betrayed his girlfriend, is this really the sort of fellow you would want in your life? If he was a decent man who had genuine feelings for you he would have ended his relationship BEFORE jumping into bed with you. The fact that the second time was premeditated and sober puts him (and you) in an even worse light. There are hundreds of decent single men out there without pining over forbidden fruit.

cailindana Fri 12-Jun-15 14:54:46

You slept with a cheater. Learn a lesson from this. He is not a good guy and he doesn't give a shit about you or his poor girlfriend.

BeenWondering Fri 12-Jun-15 14:57:45

To move on: Delete him from all social media, block his number and stop stalking his girlfriend of fb. It sounds as if you're all drama llamas. Even if he adds you or whatever don't chase the drama. He seems to know he can dangle you on a string and you'll go running over what... a 'follow' on Instagram.

He seized an opportunity to have sex with you, but then when you wanted more he got a scare. Of course he has no intention of leaving his girlfriend and setting up shop with you. He already made his intentions clear when he said he'd be up for sex every now and then. Essentially having his cake and eating it.

You're self-esteem has been dealt a blow. In the future don't sleep with men who are already attached. The fact that you say a few times that he never mentioned his girlfriend is worrying as you seem to imply then therefore he must have feelings for you. I'm afraid not. If he mentioned her it would just be an added barrier to your knickers.

Move on with a fresh perspective. Call this a lesson learned and don't run into the same wall again.

wotoodoo Fri 12-Jun-15 14:57:47

Men love the chase. He got what he wanted. Making yourself unavailable is good on 2 points: 1. He may be curious, men don't like being ignored. 2. You need to move on. He would have no hesitating on cheating on someone new so you are better off swallowing your pride and mobing on.

And you are right, you were used.

Isetan Fri 12-Jun-15 14:59:38

You weren't friends, you were a shag in waiting and now that you've shagged, you're shocked to discover that your 'friendship' is dependent on you being up for a shag whenever it's convenient for him.

All the flirting was a prelude to a fuck buddy relationship, not a monogamous one. You've been very naive and silly, learn from it and move on.

CactusAnnie Fri 12-Jun-15 15:02:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein Fri 12-Jun-15 15:03:41

I guess the lesson is that someone who will shag you when they have a gf is an arsehole. He's treated both of you appallingly. Surely it's better to know that, move on and not waste any more time on him?

wwsb Fri 12-Jun-15 15:12:58

Thank you for your replies, everyone. I guess you're all telling me what I already know but didn't want to admit. I've been so stupid. I hate the fact that I'm going to have waste time getting over this and I hate feeling constantly sad. What's even worse is realising the person I miss is probably someone that never existed...

Isetan Fri 12-Jun-15 15:14:08

You played yourself. You knew he had a girlfriend but whilst there was the possibility (not really) of future exclusive hook ups with this man, she escaped your memory. Don't pretend to feel guilty about his girlfriend, you don't, your pride has been dented because he doesn't want anything more than occasional access to your vagina.

wwsb Fri 12-Jun-15 15:17:33

Isetan, it's nothing to do with dented pride. I'm more upset that I've lost what was once a pretty good friendship (or so I was led to believe anyway).

Isetan Fri 12-Jun-15 15:18:54

X posted but you really need to be honest with yourself because the only person being deceived here was his unsuspecting girlfriend.

BeenWondering Fri 12-Jun-15 15:20:21

You made a mistake but consider it a huge lesson for the future. I advise you to spend some time reading the Baggage Reclaim website
Learn to establish boundaries as I'd like to think it was a case of one thing leading to another as opposed to you setting out with an agenda.

Tbh I don't think this is the type of man you should want. I think part of your sadness and moving on is actually you rebuilding your self-esteem and reproaching yourself over your actions. It's a very normal and natural process and I can assure you it will pass.

wwsb Fri 12-Jun-15 15:27:57

Thank you, BeenWondering. I really appreciate the thoughtful response. You're right, I didn't set out with agenda, in fact when I've been asked by close friends who I've confided in what I expected to happen my response has always been "I honestly don't know". I'm just gutted it's finished on sour terms, but in hindsight I guess that was the only conclusion that could have come out of it.

RobinandRowena Fri 12-Jun-15 15:46:17

You need to ask yourself what made you sleep with a man in a relationship. It is a horrible thing to do. You are both responsible for this act of betrayal on her.
Were you hoping he would leave his girlfriend for you?
He is a cheater and so are you.

SoozeyHoozey Fri 12-Jun-15 15:50:52

Op I've been in a similar situation and the only way is up. This man isn't your friend. I tolerated shit like this because I didn't really believe I deserved more. Allow yourself time to grieve, learn from this and build yourself up. There are better men out there and you deserve better. Cut all ties and never communicate with him again, it will only lead to future misery.

BettyCatKitten Fri 12-Jun-15 16:17:28

He's a sleaze bag. You deserve much better and in time you will meet someone who won't treat you with contempt flowers

pocketsaviour Fri 12-Jun-15 16:18:21

in fact when I've been asked by close friends who I've confided in

WTF. Why would you tell friends, plural, about this? Are you hoping his GF will find out?

wwsb Fri 12-Jun-15 16:19:33

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply, even the harsher responses; I'm aware I deserve them. I know I need to give myself time to grieve, so I can move on but it's difficult crying for someone you know doesn't deserve your tears.

wwsb Fri 12-Jun-15 16:20:40

pocketsaviour, we have completely separate friendship circles and live in different cities. I've told my two best friends, who I tell everything to, there's absolutely no chance of them relaying what I've told them to anyone else.

Branleuse Fri 12-Jun-15 16:22:32

welcome to platonic friendships.

Pancakeflipper Fri 12-Jun-15 16:28:35

You did not have a real friendship with him - he was playing a,game, he put on a act. He acted like a best friend because he wanted to sleep with you - thrill of the chase.

He's slept with you now. He'll be lining up the next victim, befriending them, making them feel special.

The hurt and the desire to hear from him will fade. So keep yourself busy with real friends.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 12-Jun-15 16:33:05

seriously that is a lucky escape from a slimy cheat. being his GF would not be fun as he would do that all the time.

Hope you meet someone lovely soon.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 12-Jun-15 17:26:16

I just felt like his whole attitude was really callous towards me

Given that you condoned his callous disregard of his girlfriend's feelings when you chose to bed him, why would you believe that he'd have any regard for your feelings after you'd shagged him?

While you may have thought the pair of you had 'amazing sex', in seeking to use you as an occasional booty call it seems he thought differently.

I hope his g/f finds out about his philandering ways and dumps his lying arse as I'm sure she deserves better than this deceitful lowlife. As for you, it seems you got what you deserve and I suggest you hotfoot it to a GUM clinic in case he's given you a little extra by way of a sti.

LastUnicorn Fri 12-Jun-15 19:26:35

In the nicest possible way, he did not use you.

You had consensual (yes?) premeditated, multiple timed sex with a man you knew was not available.
Did he say he was going to leave his girlfriend for you? Did he say he had been wanting to make a move on you for a long time? Did he say he was glad you could be together? Did he promise you any form of romantic relationship? No? So in what way did he use you?

You let a fantasy run away with you and made yourself upset when you realised it was nothing more than a daydream.

The only one betrayed is his girlfriend.

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