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Strong feelings for someone who's horrible, want it togo away

(27 Posts)
Slooo Fri 12-Jun-15 13:09:04

I have strong feelings for someone who I don't want to have feelings for, who hasn't been very nice to me and who I think isn't a even a nice person, and I just want them to go away.

I was wondering if anyone knows what it is that makes you feel this way about someone if your head knows they are a wrong choice? I feel like if I can understand why I feel that way it will help me move on a bit.

This was a short, passionate relationship with man who started off as Mr Wonderful and then began showing his true colours. He was caught outright lying and tried to gaslight me and make me feel guilty for accusing him, he loved giving the silent treatment for days on end and didn't care how it made me feel, he always seemed to want me to think everything was my fault. At the same time though he acted like he was mad about me so it counter balanced.

I strongly felt a bond to him, which was what kept me tolerating it for weeks on end.

I did made a decision to stop seeing him (and have cut all contact for the past six weeks) but I feel so down and really miss him and have to keep fighting the urge to call him.

Aside from behaving like an idiot at times, he didn't really fit with who I am normally be attracted to either. We're from diferrent backgrounds and mix in very diferrent circles. We fight like cat and dog. His job would make a normal life / family difficult. He's a proper "lad" (footie, the pub) and I am not the type to fit into that. He's not my type physically (too short and bald) and I hate the way he dresses.

The attraction just doesn't make logical sense to me, no idea why I even feel it, but because the feeling in my gut is so strong I keep doubting my decision.

I've had strong "gut feelings" before, but they were always right, so this time it is confusing me. The one other time I felt this bond to someone we ended up together for years and he was lovely.

I've never felt any attraction to a guy who messed me around or was less than nice to me before. In fact I've always had really high standards and expectations and if this guy had shown true colours from day one I'd not have given him the time of day.

A friend thinks this has something to do with my last LTR finishing very badly with the man doing pretty awful things to me, and she thinks I have self esteem issues. Is this what it is?

I do feel very lonely, really missing that close bond to another person (single two years now) but I am not short of offers - in fact the opposite - I have plenty of nice, attractive and far more suitable men asking me out and have even been out with a few but I am like a moping dog.

It makes me so angry that this one person has all my head space. What can I do to feel better and why do I feel this way?

Inexperiencedchick Fri 12-Jun-15 13:23:43

It's toxic, change your number cut all connections with him.
If needed close social media accounts where he is in your friends/followers list.

Just make it blank, that you never had him in your life.
I know it's difficult but it's possible.

If your gut feeling says he is not right for you, don't go against that little voice. Time heals everything.

Please don't go back!

Slooo Fri 12-Jun-15 13:39:47

I think that's what the problem is though. My head is screaming that he's a horrible person who'll make me miserable and my gut in telling me he's the one for me and I made the wrong choice. I'm not used to my gut / heart being wrong and am really confused over why I feel such strong emotions and attachment to someone who's not worthy of me. I hate it.

OliveGreen Fri 12-Jun-15 13:50:07

May I suggest reading the book "Love and Limerence" by Dorothy Tennov? It
helped me a lot when I was going through something similar.

Slooo Fri 12-Jun-15 13:54:53

Thanks Olive, I just had to Google that...

"Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person typically including compulsive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship and have one's feelings reciprocated."

Sounds about right, so I'll buy the book.

I suppose I'm quite a rational person and it's frustrating to be stuck with these feelings when they're not based on anything concrete - rather just some mystical pull that has no bearing on reality.

I know you're meant to feel this way about people who treat you nicely.

OliveGreen Fri 12-Jun-15 14:11:43

I hope you find it helpful... I'm quite rational too (most of the time!) and I felt relieved to find something that named what I was going through so clearly. The best thing was hearing that, if it is not fed, limerence WILL pass. I can say that's true from my experience! However, it was a horrible thing to go through and I do feel for you.

Slooo Fri 12-Jun-15 14:29:58

Thanks Olive, looking forward to reading that.

It's such a weird feeling to actually dislike someone and at the same time wake up with the yearning for them every morning. It flies in the face of reason and every time I've been "in love" before I could have listed reasons /things I loved about that person.

I don't love anything about this guy! The whole thing is some completely inexplicable gut feeling / chemistry and feeling I get when I speak to him or am near him and it's very powerful and addictive. I feel in withdrawal and its getting worse and not better

CheersMedea Fri 12-Jun-15 14:31:56


The best thing was hearing that, if it is not fed, limerence WILL pass

What does "fed" mean in that context? I have a friend who is like this about a man who is awful to her and would love to help her. Does the book have techniques etc to overcome it? Or is it more about what limerence is?

OliveGreen Fri 12-Jun-15 15:03:22

"Fed" as in engaging with the person in any way, particularly physically. I think of it as the primitive desire to bond being misdirected IYSWIM? The best thing about the book for me was reading other people's experiences and feeling like I wasn't as mad as I thought! Actually, once it passed I found it fascinating from a neurobiological point of view. However, whilst in the middle of it I can say it was one of the most painful experiences of my life and I have every sympathy for anyone in it's grips.

Slooo Fri 12-Jun-15 15:07:17

Thanks Olive. I've been sad about relationship breakups before (sadder even over long term ones) but never felt this total mental feeling of complete obsession and confusion about why I feel like I do. He's done nothing to inspire it. I'm excited to get the book, I'm so despondent and I've lost interest in anything else.

Spiritedgirl Fri 12-Jun-15 20:12:36

Hello Slooo , sorry you are feeling this way. I think the following book may help you. I had an omg moment when I read it. I thought I had been going mad ... But it all made sense after reading this. It really isn't you, it's him. Please read it. It's available on amazon. It's really good and helps explain why you have such strong feelings even though he treats you badly.
Also how your gut feeling/instincts have been tricked.

"Psychopath free: recovering from emotionally abusive relationships..."
Author: peace

Also try googling sociopath/psychopath. I always thought it was referring to murderers and such like. It appears not.
Good luck

newnamesamegame Fri 12-Jun-15 21:15:37

About 75% of my relationships have been like this sad
Maybe not 75% but this happens to me a lot. I find its quite routine for me to be strongly attracted to people who I know to be complete tools.

The limerence thing is fascinating.

If its a biochemical thing, though, how can you stop in happening?

Freehorses Fri 12-Jun-15 21:46:06

Another one here, actually this evening, desperately battling with wanting to end it with someone that is doing me absolutely no good but just can't seem to get over the obsession of him. I've just ordered that book, I'm desperate too. Like you, I can't put my finger on why when he's so wrong, I just can't end it. Like you, he's not even been my type (far too short, quite boring, inactive and I don't even feel relaxed with him), he tells me stuff about us and our future that makes my stomach churn and yet I'm hanging on for his next message, the next time we meet. WTF (sorry to swear)????
In fact, this evening, I was just thinking, it gives me a dead head wondering about him all day, mentally tires me and my brain feels absolutely clogged with him.

Freehorses Fri 12-Jun-15 21:48:59

I just reread your post, I too have had a couple of offers since seeing this guy who are far more suitable, I too have been out with them and I too am just moping around for the wrong man. At least you've been able to cut contact with him, I can't even do that, not even for a day. I am absolutely addicted like a fool.

GoatsDoRoam Fri 12-Jun-15 21:57:56

If its a biochemical thing, though, how can you stop in happening?

I don't think you can stop it happening. But I think you can either apply incredible amounts of willpower and cut all contact, which will at least stop you from doing anything stupid while you're in the grips of limerence, or just wait for the feelings to die out. (Ridiculous levels of lust and obsession cannot last forever).

slooo Sat 13-Jun-15 00:30:31

Thanks so much all of you. Sorry to be selfish, but hearing other (otherwise rational) people have been in the same situation makes me feel a little bit less pathetic. I feel so stupid and my friends keep telling me to forget him.

I did cave this afternoon and sent him a message to say I missed him. I'm mortified at my own stupidity. Feeling foolish now as he never even replied. This is the very first time in six months since we met that i have texted him and he's not replied. Hurt a lot, because usually what he dos is waits for me to make the first move then sucks me back in.

Although obviously probably a good thing if he's lost interest in torturing me and maybe the last few weeks of no contact has allowed him to move on to his next victim. I know I should delete his number, I am trying to pluck up the courage to do so.

All dignity gone anyway now.

Did a bit of reading as suggested Spirited and it was a bit close to the bone there. For sure this man has no compassion towards me for the feelings he creates. He's actually admitted that to a degree. When he's drunk he'll admit he's a c**t to me and that it's deliberate. I asked him if he felt bad and he said he was selfish and knew it, but that he did feel bad a bit.

Freehorses it was so hard cutting him off and breaking it off because he's like a drug to me. When he texts me and if sweet to me I am walking on air in happiness. When he is cold and acts like he doesn't care about me I feel like the world has ended.

Never felt like that before about any man, but I suppose I have never had to because no one else has ever confused me or pushed and pulled in this way that makes me feel completely crazy.

Ending it and going no contact was as hard as quitting smoking and you can see today I fell off the wagon but I wanted to at least pretend I believed I deserved better even if I didn't really believe it. And a big part of it was hoping he'd come to his senses. He didn't.

Maybe we can support each other through this?

slooo Sat 13-Jun-15 00:36:35

This is him

RobinandRowena Sat 13-Jun-15 10:46:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RobinandRowena Sat 13-Jun-15 10:49:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spiritedgirl Sat 13-Jun-15 10:52:09

I'm sorry Slooo. it's horrible isn't it when the penny drops and you suddenly realise what has been happening. that book I recommended in my post above is good because it explains what has been going on in your brain and why you feel such a strong connection to this person.
You may also like to take a look at The Survivors Quest by HealingJourney also available at Amazon. I'm working though it at the moment. It's very helpful for when I feel like contacting the man who hurt me ( believe me I have never felt so hurt by someone in my life).
If you would like tome support offline feel free to pm me.

CapsicumCat Sat 13-Jun-15 11:32:41

Slooo I've had a very similar situation. I feel hard and heavy for someone who just wasn't very nice and was generally very critical of me. Thing is I knew it but I just couldn't get out of it.

I ended up having counselling (not for relationship stuff but initially for something else). We established that my parents were very critical of me me so in fact that has become my 'norm'. Other people would have run for the hills immediately at the first sign of criticism but I didn't because that was what I was used to.

It really has been a light bulb moment and has helped me come to terms with what went on. Hopefully I won't be making the same mistake again.

CapsicumCat Sat 13-Jun-15 11:33:21

fell not feel hard and heavy

slooo Sat 13-Jun-15 11:35:44

Spirited, I downloaded that book and got through half of it last night (awake till 2am) and this is him exactly. This is exactly him.

- Constant flattery at the start, then suddenly becoming uninterested

- Plastering Facebook with compliments then disappearing

- Quickly telling me I was the perfect woman for him and letting me do most of the talking while he seemed fascinated

- Excuses for everything, twisting it round to make me feel guilty (and crazy)

- Lying over things for no purpose I could figure out

- Blaming me for everything, nothing is ever his fault

- Using social networking to promote jealousy then acting annoyed if I felt it

- I found myself for the first time in my life playing detective to try and work out what was going on, never uncovering anything and being left felt like it was "all in my head"

- Finding myself explaining basic elements of human respect to him that he seemed not to understand

- Focusing on my mistakes (very small ones) and ignoring his own (very big ones)

- Totally manipulative

- Constantly telling me how beautiful and perfect I am, constantly commenting on my clothes, my lips, my eyes

- Punishing me with the silent treatment if I dared to challenge him

- Gaslighting me, and getting very angry when I caught him in open lies

- Self victimisation and getting angry with me for not reading his mind

All this began after one "perfect" couple of months where he did absolutely everything he could to convince me that he was Mr Right and I was his dream girl, then he suddenly changed into someone else...showing me just enough of the "old" person to stay hooked and confused and flapping around trying to figure out what I have done wrong.

Freehorses Sat 13-Jun-15 13:16:11

Yes, I've had some of those things. I'd appreciate any support too. I really need to move on from this guy. He's been surfacely lovely but as the recent days have gone by I've realised actually just what he is after (just a sideline) and I think that's what draws me in. I've had some stomach churning moments this morning when I think back over things. I realise I was in a really bad place when I met him.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 13-Jun-15 13:21:24

I read something the other day by Tracey cox in the DM. She likened this type of relationship to a gambling addict. She said your brain gets wired to enjoy the buzz of the good times so you feel compelled to keep on going to get that buzz.

So supposing he was awful a lot of the time your brain keeps seeking or waiting for him to show his nice side again. Once he does, you get your buzz and then on and on it goes.

Please stay away from him.

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