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Missing good sex (thread moved from AIBU)

(45 Posts)
Justwondering321 Fri 12-Jun-15 12:48:18

I moved this from aibu as some posters thought it would be better placed on here.
I've been with my dp for 2 and a half years, talked about possibly getting married next year .. Sex was pretty fantastic in the first 6 months or so but then started to peter out a bit.. I do have a few insecurities but feel these are getting better with time - however I can't help but miss amazing sex , I mean the passionate kissing - can't wait to get clothes off type stuff.. Since I moved in with him sex is quite routine like everything else (sounds bad to say) .
Last night we were watching TV and a sex scene came on.. It was pretty steamy to say the least and I think we both felt awkward ... I ended up storming off upstairs which made me look like a total idiot!! I'm actually dreading him coming home cos I still feel embarrassed :-/ I think I just felt a bit sad in the moment that I'd probably never have that type of sex again. He came upstairs and asked if he'd done anything wrong. I just said I don't like unrealistic romantic stuff on TV and would rather watch something else.
tmi bit, if you'd prefer not to read then stop now
I think what got me the most was that the scene involved a couple having sex in a toilet cubicle (nice eh?) and 6 or so months into us being together he admitted he was once given a bj in a toilet once in a nightclub (nice again eh?) is this a normal thing to relay to your new gf??? And I think it just made me remember the slight hurt and confusion I felt when he told me that. To be honest I wasn't sure how to react..,
Sorry, for the rant and the tmi.

teatrailer Fri 12-Jun-15 13:01:14

Hi OP, glad you've moved, I think the important stuff was what you described a bit further on in your posts. Lot's of posters didn't bother with the later information. This really isn't just about sex.

pocketsaviour Fri 12-Jun-15 13:06:08

is this a normal thing to relay to your new gf???

Yeah, sure. Don't most people have the "what's the weirdest place you've ever had sex/ strangest thing you've ever done in bed/ etc" conversation at some point? Why on earth would you be hurt and confused about something that happened probably years before you ever met him?

Since I moved in with him sex is quite routine like everything else (sounds bad to say)

OK, so is the routine coming from you, or from him? Is he not bothering with foreplay any more, or do you not fancy him so much, or what?

Justwondering321 Fri 12-Jun-15 13:13:44

Hi, he doesn't bother with things that we did before, anymore. (Some things) and I have suggested we try some things that I would really like to try, but I get brushed off when I suggest them.
I admit it's pretty weird to feel strange about the bj admission, maybe I felt slightly jealous cos I haven't experienced anything as exciting and risky as that sexually!! I suggested we went for a "drive" somewhere, if you get my meaning .. As this is a big turn on for me, but this is a no go for him. :-(

Justwondering321 Fri 12-Jun-15 13:14:45

Oh, and I fancy the hell out of him, more than I've fancied anyone actually. I'd like to think he felt the same about me, but I can't be sure.

notthestereotype Fri 12-Jun-15 13:37:49

So there are two 'issues' here then...

I can relate to being upset about dps past sexual encounters. Some people genuinely don't care at all and I wish I was one of them! I don't really have any advice on that one, but think about your sexual past. Do you care less about it now you're with you're new dp? I'm sure he feels the same.

Oh and the passion fizzling dilemma is completely normal. It can be just as passionate and hot, without the ripping clothes off one another. You say you still fancy the hell out of him and that's all that matters really. Think of it as different, not less amazing. Spice things up by all means, but this is all normal.

pocketsaviour Fri 12-Jun-15 13:42:55

he doesn't bother with things that we did before, anymore.

Yeah that's not good, assuming you mean things that you like, e.g. different positions, oral, etc. Is he just going for the 30-second nipple tuneup and then heaving himself onboard? That would suggest he's stopped bothering about your pleasure, which is worryingly selfish.

Him brushing off your suggestions of things you'd like to do (assuming they're not totally out there - like making him wear a pony bridle grin ) is also pretty worrying. Does he talk about what he would like to try?

Justwondering321 Fri 12-Jun-15 13:57:36

Lol @ the pony bridle!! ;-)
Yep it's pretty much a 2 min thing, usually on a sat morning before I go to work :-/ although things have got better lately with the introduction of an occurance during the week also (not discussed, just seems to have happened naturally)
I don't suggest anything too crazy but it's his lack of willing to even discuss anything that upsets me. I feel singled out because, (think I mentioned this on my old thread) he was really into porn before he met me, and used hook up sites. I know it's messed up to be worried that the women he met on them might have been fantastic in bed (and better than me) but that's how I feel sometimes.
He mentioned once that he made one of the girls from the site squirt, which is fine but I feel inadequate because no matter how hard I try I can't do this!
I think I just need to learn to talk to him, but every time I try he shouts until I give up and change the subject.. It's hard.

Justwondering321 Fri 12-Jun-15 14:01:30

I also mentioned on my last thread ; that I wish we could go out now and then (nothing major just the pub, ect) which he loved to do before he met me, but I think we don't because he thinks I'm "mental" due to things happening like the TV incident. And I'm clueless on how to fix it because I can't imagine a life of never going out anywhere with my partner.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Fri 12-Jun-15 14:08:08

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who only wanted 2 min sex tbh.

mommyof23kids Fri 12-Jun-15 14:15:24

It seems a little like he's fallen into the trap of thinking in a committed relationship you do this and this and stop doing that. Boring! He needs an education, you could try telling him the naughty stuff your married friends get up to...just make it up if you have nothing.

YonicScrewdriver Fri 12-Jun-15 14:20:02

Sex is over in 2 minutes and he doesn't want to go out to the pub with you?

I missed your other thread but apart from fancying him, what are his good points?

YonicScrewdriver Fri 12-Jun-15 14:23:09

And female ejaculation is, I believe. largely a question of how you are built inside - how near the relevant zone is to your vagina wall. To be cross at yourself for not doing it is like him being cross at himself because, I dunno, one testicle is larger than the other. Nothing to do with being good in bed! (And frankly he's not sounding like a prince in bed himself)

JohnFarleysRuskin Fri 12-Jun-15 14:31:21

This sounds awful.

Why are you expecting it to improve? It sounds like its getting worse and worse.

pocketsaviour Fri 12-Jun-15 14:34:01

I think I just need to learn to talk to him, but every time I try he shouts until I give up and change the subject.. It's hard.

Wait, you try to tell him how you feel and he shouts at you? That is not a good thing.

I think you may have more issues here than just a crappy sex life.

bounceologist Fri 12-Jun-15 14:39:59

Hi JustWondering321

Every relationship (although there are the rare exceptions) all have to learn new ways of keeping romance and intimacy alive. I remember way back the singer Cher was reported saying that she makes sure that her relationships do not last longer than 2 years as that's when the magic dies.

However if you are in a loving and safe relationship, and as you say you do have some insecurities, what better way that to have an open line of communication with you partner and open up to him. Remember that he can't see inside to your thoughts without you being explicit. As women, we often say things like "it's obvious, I shouldn't need to say" or "he should just know anyway" but the fact is, they're not on the same wavelength. In my experience as a psychotherapist and as a sex coach, men are straightforward and tell it like it is without hangups, wouldn't it be nice to be like that?!

An ideal world of course... you also mention holding onto the memory of you partner having sex in a WC, which the movie made it 'in your face', what is it about that which hurts exactly? Sometimes when we doing a bit of examining we come face to face with a fear but rather than hiding it, facing it head on will make it disappear.

Good loving and intimate relationships take a bit of time and thought from both partners, how about sharing a shower together taking time to massage each other? It doesn't need to lead to sex unless you both want it to.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!


Justwondering321 Fri 12-Jun-15 14:43:18

The problem is, I love him and things were brilliant at the beginning, I don't know where it all went wrong, I honestly can't think put my finger in anything major happening that suddenly turned things from being good to being so mundane and routine..
The big thing I've wanted to try with him is watching porn with him, cos I know how much he liked it before. Plus I feel like it could give us some ideas, surely most men would jump at this idea but he's really awkward about it or just refuses. But this has probably been made worse now after the TV incident.
I don't know what to do. If he doesn't love me/find me attractive anymore isn't it only fair he tells me?? So I can get my head around the possibility of maybe finding someone that does find me attractive ... ?

Justwondering321 Fri 12-Jun-15 14:45:52

Abigail, thank you for your advice. There's no way on this planet, however, that he would want to have a shower with me :-/ we once had a bath together, which was really nice, but this was about 2 weeks into us being together.

Joysmum Fri 12-Jun-15 15:29:14

I'm with pockersaviour in that I think crap sex is the least of the issues.

Assuming it is just a crap sex issue, I'd go down the line of saying last night you realised you'd like you're sex lives to a bit more steamy and want to talk about how you make it so.

Make sure you've got some ideas to get the ball rolling and explain that he may not agree with them and that's ok as you might not agree with some of his ideas but you both need to talk to find something you both can enjoy together.

I'd see how that goes but if he's going to shout the odds and not listen or dismiss you then sex is the least of your worries.

Tbh in my experience sex is a symptom of everything g else, so if that's not right it's because of something else.

bounceologist Fri 12-Jun-15 16:16:29

Ok, Id be asking...

What are you getting out of the relationship that is serving you both?

Do in want to continue with this?

Is it salvageable?

The next steps are in the answers. Thinking of you!

Branleuse Fri 12-Jun-15 17:09:39

you might love him and fancy him so much BECAUSE he makes you feel rather insecure. Id be pretty pissed off if a partner stopped making an effort after a paltry 6 months, but had been telling me about amazing experiences in the past with short term hook-ups.

Maybe hes one of the sort of people that only gets excited by new novelty partners, rather than having any ability to keep the excitement up long term?

lovespuds Fri 12-Jun-15 17:58:26

This is so weird, I swear I have been with this man..! Anywaaaaay... The refusing to go out anywhere with you - yes had that, too. It doesn't get better. My ex refused to go to the park or out for a walk with me and our baby, as it was boring, apparently. Evenings out were very few. I don't know the answer to some of this, but would suggest that you are essentially incompatible. Don't end up stuck with this man! He doesn't want to please you in bed, or take you out, and shouts when you try to talk about these things? I think there's someone better out there for you.

MatildaTheCat Fri 12-Jun-15 18:00:53

I wonder if he's someone who 'needs' the thrill in order to want sex iykwim? Hook up sites etc would be a bit of a noon for me though I accept we are all different. The by in the loo story sounds as if he was trying to impress you.

Six months in to this you are seeing what the real man is like and sadly it doesn't sound terribly exciting. I'm sorry if I am way off the mark but are you sure he isn't seeking his thrills elsewhere? Whatever the truth he's not doing it for you and I would be calling time, I'm afraid.

MatildaTheCat Fri 12-Jun-15 18:01:46

No no, not noon.

Snowflake15 Fri 12-Jun-15 18:15:55

OP I think you need to work on your self esteem, this would help you not to be worried about other women from the past if you realised that you are better than them; he chose you as the person he wants to be with smile

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