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Is he a workaholic?

(16 Posts)
sportify Thu 11-Jun-15 22:43:08 in the morning before we are up,he's gone, On a good day he'll be back at 7.30 -8.00pm, Sometimes after 10pm.
This is nothing new. Been married 6 years with 3 young kids but they never see their dad and neither do I.
Most weekends he will stay upstairs working on his computer. Sometimes not even eating all day. He can literally not make an appearance all day.

Last year I did leave but found it very hard with the children and not really anywhere to go where they could settle. On the promise of change we were back after six weeks but everything is still the same.
We don't communicate, I basically bring the kids up by myself as he is never around.
Yes, we've talked, tried to change etc but really the love has gone.
I've got to the point where I just can't be bothered anymore so we are really living separate lives under one roof.
To most people who ask I just say admiringly 'he works very hard' and 'he's working on a project at the moment' in his defence but I am finding it increasingly difficult to live under the same roof.

We're past marriage counselling, I feel miserable and lonely. But life just goes on as normal. ��

Ps, it sounds very defensive and critical of me, but just writing what I feel to get it out. Sorry, I'm no angel either ��

JeanSeberg Thu 11-Jun-15 22:46:58

Well he won't be able to work those hours when he's got his kids 50% of the time will he?

Selfish disrespectful arse. Lucky you didn't want a similar career eh?

IAmAShitHotLawyer Thu 11-Jun-15 22:47:12

He's opted out of family life hasn't he?

guineapig1 Thu 11-Jun-15 22:49:44

I think it's difficult to advise out of context tbh. For example is he the sole breadwinner? Is money an issue and he's worried about supporting the family? What line of work is he in? Some, industries are notorious in terms of the expected hours inc weekend work. If it's feasible would he contemplate a career change?

tribpot Thu 11-Jun-15 22:51:38

It sounds extremely lonely.

What would you like to do next? One option appears to be continuing as you are, living separate lives. It doesn't sound as if you were particularly happier apart, although you didn't really get a chance to have a proper go at it if you were only separated for six weeks. I'm assuming that financially you're better off together and the children would see no more of him if you separated, i.e. he'd have no interest in contact with them.

On the other hand, if you split he's one less person to have to look after and you have the chance in time to meet someone else. You're also not modelling a very positive relationship for your children to grow up around.

If one of your children came and complained they were in a similar relationship in 20 or so years' time, what would you say to them? What would you want to give as your reason for leaving or staying with their father?

sportify Thu 11-Jun-15 22:55:23

Guinea, he is on a good salary 60k +. Software developer.
Yes, he is the sold breadwinner.
To add as soon as he does get in from work out comes the computer or off to the office.
I do know programmers are renowned for their long hours. I'm quite independent so long hours don't bother me as such but it's literally all hours.

sportify Thu 11-Jun-15 22:58:28

I think so lawyer.
Tribob, It was very difficult as I only had my mums to stay at, at the time and financially, yes it was difficult.
My three children are under 6 with youngest 18 months so it's tricky for me to get back to work.

Greenrememberedhills Thu 11-Jun-15 23:03:21

Yes he is a workaholic. Your relationship may not be good but he has no excuse to not be a real father.

SomeUsername Thu 11-Jun-15 23:05:06

Hi sportify,

I'm also a software developer earning in the 60k+ bracket, and I work 36 hours a week. I have flexitime and 52 days holiday a year. The reason for mentioning this is that unless you're working in the financial sector on 100k+ (I have friends who do this), 60k is the middle of an experienced developer and should not consume all his time.

The only time I've worked hours like your husband is when I set my own company up - and the pay was much worse than my current salary, and when I take on extra work thought my own ltd above my salaried pay.

Being a software developer does not explain working those hours.

guineapig1 Thu 11-Jun-15 23:05:32

Sounds difficult and lonely. Is there any prospect of persuading him to leave work by 6 say two nights a week initially and enforcing a "family time with no computers" for those two evenings? What would happen if you organised a weekend activity involving him? Would he agree to participate?

pocketsaviour Thu 11-Jun-15 23:13:19

If he's on 60k then the minimum maintenance would be fairly substantial. Around £800 per month. Plus you'd get housing benefit, child benefit, income support/ESA, council tax reduction and child tax credits.

Have a look on and see what comes up. I think you might be surprised.

sportify Thu 11-Jun-15 23:16:18

Thank you for your imput someusername. That's really helpful coming from someone in the same line of work.
That is true Green. I think that is what hurts the most. The children asking why they haven't seen him or when he'll be home. Despite my own difficulties with it, they need him.
Guineapig, on occasion we do go out but he is usually restless, wanting to get home. Holidays have been cut short due to him not having access to work etc, it's like an addiction which is why I'm considering if he actually is.

sportify Thu 11-Jun-15 23:19:52

Thank you pocketsaviour. It might come to that.

IreallyKNOWiamright Fri 12-Jun-15 23:20:39

have you any involvement in his work. does he talk with you about projects.
The fact he is working long hours and then being on the computer and ignoring you at the weekend alarms me he could be having an affair.

sportify Sat 13-Jun-15 20:43:55

Ireallyknow, no I don't. I know I should probably ask more about work but he just says how busy it is.
It has crossed my mind. I never see his phone or computer (I don't know his passwords) And I've tried to let him have his privacy and 'cave time' but I guess he's taken it to the extreme.
I don't know what's going on in his life if I'm really honest and I guess that's partly my fault. I think I've just given up trying and tend to not bother much anymore.
Another weekend we've not seen him as he's just sat in his room working.
I did use to try and get us all out of the house and do things together but I don't bother now as I think he just finds it 'annoying'.

I do feel bad atm as I tend to sleep in the spare room. Mainly because I can't sleep there with him clicking away or coming up a lot later and being woken up. We never seem to go at the same time.

Why I've not considered it more (him cheating) is because it's pretty much been like this all along (maybe worse now), Nothing has 'suddenly' changed. Maybe I'm wrong, it's a possibility.

sportify Sat 13-Jun-15 20:48:18

Am I wrong to sleep in the spare room?
I just feel like if I never see him, it's like sleeping next to a stranger. If we don't talk, have any hugs, kisses ect. I honestly sleep much better on my own. But maybe that's just making it all worse? I feel detached now, emotionally, I've built up a wall I think.

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