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Am I being unreasonable?(51 Posts)
Posting tentatively in here as I know that replies can get quite... Heated... Also this will be long so apologies in advance.
Anyway basically I've been with my partner nearly two years. We don't live together at the moment so he only comes here a few nights a week, the rest he spends at his parents. When he is over at theirs, he's free to do whatever. I don't pester him or demand to know what his plans are. If he wants to go and play football, see his friends etc I'm not bothered. However when he is meant to be here, I expect him to be. We don't see each other every day so on the occasions we are due to see each other, unless it's an important prior-made plan, I feel like he should be here.
He has always been crap at letting me know about plans he's made. He used to be in a band that toured a lot and he would tell me a few days before, often even the night before, that he was going away for the weekend, week etc one time I found out via Twitter he was planning on going to America to tour for two weeks literally about a week before he was due to fly out. I think he doesn't tell me because he is worried I will be pissed off when that's not the case and I have told him so a million times, the only thing that pisses me off is when he has either big plans e.g. Going away somewhere or if he has made plans when he is supposed to be here and doesn't bother to tell me. I feel like it's just common courtesy to tell your partner things like that, if anything so they can make alternative plans too.
So it was my birthday on the Sunday just gone. My partner works on Sunday's so I was due to be spending the Saturday day with him, just the two of us as we have barely seen each other lately due to work and other commitments. He usually comes down here after work on a Friday so was looking forward to spending Friday evening with him. He texts me as he's finishing work to say he is going to meet up with his brother and some friends but will be round "about 10, probably earlier." So although I was a bit annoyed as he was meant to be here and he told me last minute, I shrugged it off and invited my friends over instead. At half 11 I got a text to inform me that he had arranged to play a musical festival with some friends the following day. Again, I was pissed off because it was supposed to be our day together but he said "if you come, we'll have the entire day to ourselves to do something and I only have to go on stage for an hour at around 4pm." So I agreed to go on the promise that at least we'd spend most of the day together. We got there on Saturday morning and I was then left alone so he could go on stage to sound check and mere minutes later, went to perform. Getting increasingly agitated, I left the festival and went out on my own.
On Sunday a few of his friends were due to come up from Wales to see him and his brother (they're twins and their birthday is the day after mine) I was a bit sad he was planning on leaving early on my birthday but figured, it's his birthday too. He said that he would make it up to me by coming to see me the next day so I was okay with that. I still hadn't had a present or card and he said he would bring it with him on the Monday. He called in sick to work on Sunday and stayed here for a few hours and then he left. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the day. Normally this wouldn't bother me too much but 1) it was still my birthday despite him leaving early and 2) whenever he is with me he is CONSTANTLY texting his mates, yet when he's with his mates apparently his phone never left his pocket to send me a quick text or even to let me know when he got home or to say goodnight.
Monday came and I was looking forward to seeing him as it was now his birthday and was looking forward to exchanging presents etc. At 5pm he told me that he was calling in at his parents as they were doing a party for him and some family were coming round but he would be over after that. It came to 10pm and he text me to say it was too late for him to come round. I really flipped, like, hard. He could quite easily have said to his family he had plans elsewhere so he might have to leave the party a little early, I doubt anyone would have minded (although it emerged afterwards that his friends from Wales were still there) I told him I was fed up of being let down constantly, always being second best to his friends. He grovelled of course and said he was sorry but that's all I ever hear, sorry. He's never actually sorry. I said if he wants to mess about with his mates forever that's fine but it was over, I need more than a part time boyfriend that only uses me when it's convenient for him.
He has been busy lately but always has time to see his friends. He jibbed me off for his friends for my entire birthday weekend and I tried to be reasonable about it but after making a promise to come here since he left me alone on my birthday and breaking that promise, I just lost it. Am I being unreasonable? I don't know how people are brought up but I was brought up to have basic respect and common decency and not consistently letting people down and lying and sneaking around falls under that category. I have threatened to leave before because of stupid shit he's done but me being an idiot have given him a million chances (yes I know I'm stupid for doing so and I only have myself to blame for this situation) but this time when I said it, he seemed genuinely worried, kept saying all the right things "I love you, I'm sorry, please let me make it up to you and prove to you we should be together" etc etc. Usually the most I get out of him is "okay." I don't know if I'm just being a totally neurotic bitch though, I recently had the implant fitted and it's turned me into a bit of a monster but I feel like this anger is justified?
YANBU to be pissed off; but IMO he isn't your "partner" because he's not behaving like one. Why in the name of hell weren't you invited to his birthday party at his parents' house? You've been with him for nearly 2 years - have you not met them yet? Do they hate you? Do you hate them?
He sounds like a liability - if he doesn't care enough about your feelings now to shape up, then he's not likely to change so please dump him and clear the way for a decent actual partner to come into your life, one who cares about you and your feelings.
It sounds like you are way down his list of priorities. Everyone seems to be more important than you. If you've already given him a million chances, then I don't think he's going to change. Sorry.
Basically I think you have different expectations from a relationship from one another.
He sounds like a self absorbed flake and you sound like someone looking for a deeper commitment than he's offering. You're an afterthought really aren't you?
There's nothing to suggest he's intrinsically 'bad' in any way...but I don't think he's about to become the homebody and companion you want.
And yes...i did wonder why you weren't involved with or at the very least invited along to his birthday bash at his parents. Do they even know you exist?
Are you both very young?
Yanbu, he doesn't sound very into you, you deserve to be someones priority, not scratching round for any attention he may or may not throw your way.
Yes i was going to say that about priorities too. Youre not one, and after 2 years you bloody should be. He hasnt changed yet, he wont change now, so cut your losses and find someone who will prioritise you. You really are worth more.
It seems to me that he is 'seeing you' and you're not his partner. I would be cross of I wasn't invited to the party at his parents.
As Maya Angelou said "never invest in someone to whom you are just an option". YANBU. He is being a selfish twunt
He's not acting as if he's in a couple is he? If he was committed to you, all his other activities and family and friends stuff would be fitted around you. And letting you down on your birthday is not on.
So no you are definitely not being unreasonable. He is.
I don't think he views the arrangement as a relationship at all.
Just end it you are worth so much more.
In your mind, he's your partner.
In his mind, you're his fuck buddy.
I also wonder if he stood you up on Sunday and Monday because he hadn't bothered buying you a present.
Thanks, I don't think I'm being unreasonable other tbh. I didn't go to his party because for me to get over there as I don't drive, it would take me over two hours and I had my daughter and would have had to be back home by half 7ish with her. I don't think his parents like me really but that's a whole other story!
I feel like all I am is a convenience. What I don't understand is why he is so adamant he wants to make things work. Surely it would be easier for him to be single and then he can do whatever he wants without having to answer to anyone? I've told him I want someone who wants to settle down, I deserve to be with someone who respects me and priorities me above everyone else. I mean yes, family is important but I'M supposed to be his family too. He said to me he finds it hard to say no to people because he doesn't like letting them down but that's bullshit because he has no problem saying no to me and letting me down. This is just a one-sided relationship imo, but it just confuses me why he doesn't just cut his losses and call it a day.
He usually comes down on a Tuesday night but I told him I didn't want him here. But obviously I couldn't physically stop him. He got here about ten and was knocking on the front door for ages, I ignored him, then he was knocking on the back doors, I ignored him. After an hour he still hadn't given up, I had to let him in because I didn't want the neighbours getting annoyed but k just told him to go and sleep in the spare room. It's all very well him being persistent and wanting to make it up to me now but I feel like it's just too little too late...
why is he with you? maybe he knows you are clean and likes the casual sex with you.
Maybe he is in love with you, but his parameters are so different to yours (and mine)it isn't going to ever work.
I would call the poilce next time he does the knock knock knock thing
You're right, he doesn't mind letting you down, so that tells you how little you really mean to him.
Sack him off, you know you want to really. ;)
You feel like you are a convenience to him because you are this to him. He is not that into you.
He does not want to call it a day because he does not want to be seen as the "bad person"; he would rather you be that. This man is truly cowardly as well as being a terrible role model for your child too.
Finish this charade of a relationship as of now and raise your own relationship bar a lot higher.
Would you treat a good friend of yours like that? If not then don't stand for it yourself. Time to put a value on yourself, you are the prize not something to fill the time with when there is nothing better.
If you are still young I don't see that you need to be overly involved in everything he does, but this lacks respect and frankly if you've not got that....
I wouldn't ever accept a partner coming over to me at 10pm or later unless there was some very good reason. He's got it's sussed, night out with his mates and round to you for a shag.
I'm sorry but bale out now. He's a child. Of course he says he loves you, maybe he does. But it's not working for you. Relationships are not supposed to be a long round of waiting and being disappointed.
But when I try and finish it, he doesn't accept it. That's what confuses me, I know he might not want to be the bad guy and be the one to finish it but I have been the one to say a few times that I wanted to finish it and he has begged me not to. I do think he loves me in some capacity but I think we both have very different ideas about love. He used to be so loving and thoughtful, even if he did still do a few silly things now and again but now it happens too often and I don't get the loving or the thoughtfulness. A part of me feels like if he could change once he can change back but I really don't believe it in my gut really, think I'm just wasting my time wishing for something that is never going to happen
He begs you not to finish it because girlfriends who would put up with his shit must be hard to find.
Oh and he doesn't come round just for a shag because we pretty much never have sex.
And you're right justmuddlingalong, nobody else would be stupid enough to put up with his shit. I know I'm the biggest idiot going for putting up with it for so long!
I know it's tough when you're on the inside looking out. Loads of us have been in a one sided relationship at some point. It makes you feel worthless. Bin him, get your head clear and find someone who thinks himself lucky to have you.
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