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How do you know whether to end things?

(4 Posts)
iwouldgoouttonight Thu 11-Jun-15 11:57:59

DP and I have been together for 12 years and have two DC. Our relationship was brilliant until DCs and since then things have been much more focused on them and we have less time for each other, which I kind of assume is normal. DS also has extra health issues which have been very stressful and do sometimes seem to be the only thing we talk about.

Lately we just don't talk at all to each other apart from about practical stuff, we just get on with the stuff that needs doing around the house, getting kids sorted, going to work, etc. In the evenings we'll just flop down in front of the telly or on our phones/laptop.

We don't really display affection to each other, its just as though we're housemates rather than partners. Wen we've had stages like this of things going a bit stale or one of us having an issue about something we've talked about it, but now its as though neither of us can be bothered to talk. If I try to talk to him it is like getting blood from a stone, and in the past I would have persevered but now I can't be bothered to talk either. We've tried going out for a meal just the two of us, but we haven't got much to talk about when we're out, so we have stopped doing that recently too. We get on better if we're with a group of people.

So it feels as though neither of us are getting much out of the relationship but neither of us has the energy or inclination to try to sort it out or end it. The thought of ending things from a practical point of view fills me with dread - neither of us could afford the mortgage on our own so we'd have to sell the house and maybe both rent flats. The DCs would find it very difficult, especially DS.

The thing is there isn't anything either of us have done wrong - we both share housework, childcare, both work similar hours, it just seems to have all gone stale. Anyone with any experience of this? Please be gentle - I've not posted in the relationships board before and its taken me a long time to decide whether to ask for advice or just to keep my head down.

StillICling Thu 11-Jun-15 12:30:04

I would advise you to have a proper good talk about it. And if possible, seek relationship counselling. I imagine your post could've been written by my ex not so long back. Unfortunately , we never tried the option of counselling and it was decided (by ex) that we should go our separate ways. This has destroyed me beyond recognition. If i'd realised things were as bad as they were then perhaps I could've saved it before it was too late. Like you , she used the blood from a stone analogy about me. I just wish I'd realised before it was too late.

Is there anyone you can speak to in real life to give him a nudge? Sounds ridiculous but sometimes hearing things from someone else can help to drive the message home. Frustrating as that sounds.

Joysmum Thu 11-Jun-15 12:34:56

Tbh I think when it's got to the stage that neither can be bothered to try then the relationship is dead.

So, is your relationship good enough as it is now? If so then stay. If not then you both need to work out why not and what the best way to improve is.

If either one of you isn't willing to put the effort in then it's hopeless.

wingsflyby Thu 11-Jun-15 12:47:54

I would have a proper talk about it - could you have a holiday alone perhaps? Even a weekend together without DCs.

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