Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What should I do?

(12 Posts)
FanjoBean Thu 11-Jun-15 11:29:49

I'm in a bit of a pickle. DP and I together about 18 months. No children but I have a DD who has bonded fairly well with him. Things weren't good for quite a while and we had a big argument a couple of weeks ago that led to him leaving. We were still speaking (by text) but a couple of days later he told me he wanted to end the relationship because he needed to "sort his life out." Then he went out and kissed someone else (more may well have happened, I don't know). Then a week later he changed his mind and decided he wanted to get back together.

However. This past week I've been talking to another man. I've known him for a long time and we have always got on really well, but only really spoke in passing or on Facebook about something we're both big fans of. He has made it clear that he really likes me and thinks we could be good together, and has asked me many times to meet up with him or go out with him. I've told him that I was still speaking to my ex and that nothing was going to happen because I didn't want to mess anybody about, which he took well and said he would back off. But now I can't stop thinking about him.

My DP has since come home and we are supposed to be trying to make it work but I can't help myself comparing him to the "other man." DP and I have few shared interests, shared friends, not much to talk about, whereas the other man and I do. My DP doesn't work (has never been an issue for me as such but has caused a lot of tension in different ways), doesn't drive, doesn't have children of his own so sometimes doesn't understand what it's like - other man does. I don't find the other man as physically attractive as current DP, but current DP rarely wants sex and when he does it's not very good (we have had lots of discussions about this and I told him it was something that made me hesitant to get back together), so it's quite unfortunate that I do find him so attractive!

I don't know what to do. I'm not going to cheat on DP, I'm not really speaking to the other man anymore. But I feel awful for thinking like that, but also like maybe I'm just wasting my time? But then again maybe this is just a passing infatuation-type-thing and should just be ignored until it goes away? Does anyone have any advice?

HelenF350 Thu 11-Jun-15 12:01:54

To be honest it doesn't sound like either of them are right for you. One you have shared interests with but don't find attractive, the other you find attractive but have nothing in common with.

Joysmum Thu 11-Jun-15 12:32:05

Don't get hung up on comparing men.

What you Merc to be doing is questioning whether DP is 'Mr Right'.

If he isn't then ditch.

You shouldn't be think of OM until you've split.

MiniTheMinx Thu 11-Jun-15 12:42:34

He doesn't work, doesn't contribute, doesn't support or understand you, doesn't drive or have shared interests. He rarely wants sex and is crap at it.

If you think he is so attractive,why not just take a nice picture of him and hang it on the sitting room wall and free up the floor space he takes up.

Nowhere in your OP do you say you love him, so save a copy of his pretty face and save yourself the time, money and hassle of keeping him.

ImperialBlether Thu 11-Jun-15 12:46:46

What you're doing is learning what you want in a partner. Your current partner doesn't seem to have anything except a pretty face going for him - frankly I couldn't be doing with him at all. The other guy has taught you that you would love to share interests with a new man, but you don't fancy him much so maybe he's not the man for you.

What I would do is get rid of the present incumbent and go out with the new one a few times - attraction might grow and all will be great or it might not and you've lost nothing.

Lovingfreedom Thu 11-Jun-15 18:48:35

Dump the first one then see how you feel about the other. There's no rush. First guy sounds like a loser.

Sickoffrozen Thu 11-Jun-15 18:51:36

DP sounds an utter waste of space to me. A lazy one at that.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 11-Jun-15 21:24:51

I have a DD who has bonded fairly well with him

This sounds to me as if your dd hasn't bonded very well with him.

In any event, he's obviously a cocklodging tosser who has no redeeming features whatsoever and you're best advised to bin him and don't rush to source a replacement until you've raised your standards.

AuntyMag10 Thu 11-Jun-15 21:29:14

I think this current dp doesn't sound well suited to you as does this new guy. You need to finish with one relationship, have some time to yourself before jumping to the next. Also, you have a child who has had to get to know a partner of yours. You need to make sure that you are certain about any future partners as this will confuse your dd.

whothehellknows Thu 11-Jun-15 21:56:41

Regardless of whether the new guy would be any good with you, it sounds as though you have quite a few misgivings about your current partner.

If those issues are things you can live with or that can be adjusted, then fab. But if not, then you each would probably be happier with someone more compatible.

I'd be a bit careful of someone who is making advances when you've freshly split up, as they are catching you at a vulnerable time.

But (although this contravenes traditional mumsnet wisdom) I wouldn't necessarily fret too much about confusing your dd with relationships ending, etc. I felt the same until a friend sat me down and asked which I'd prefer my daughters to learn: to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy or that relationships can end naturally (even amicably) and it will be ok?

It did make me stop and think, and now I tend to treat dates and boyfriends like any of my other friends. They come and visit, they go home, and the status quo at the house is always the same.

wannabestressfree Thu 11-Jun-15 21:58:59

Why doesn't he work?

FanjoBean Fri 12-Jun-15 12:34:48

Thank you for the responses. I'm really not sure. My current DP and I got on really well for the first six months ish, were really happy, thought it would be forever etc etc. But then little things started niggling me, like the lack of sex and him going out most nights and sleeping a lot of the day. We don't live together, although he does stay over a lot, and he's not my DD's dad so I don't know whether it's really acceptable for me to ask him to help round the house or with DD but I get really frustrated sometimes when I'm getting up early, doing all the housework, looking after her on my own, then going to work, dropping her off and fetching her each way, doing all the shopping etc and he's either in bed or out with his friends. He stays at home some nights and we'll eat and watch TV together but we rarely go out anywhere when I don't have my DD. We don't have sex unless I initiate it, and he either turns me down or he'll make no effort and then he talks about it as if he's doing me a favour. He tells me he loves me and I thought I loved him, but now after our little break I'm not so sure. Our problems seem quite trivial but over time it makes me feel like shit.

But, and I know this shouldn't even be relevant, I don't know if I feel this negative because I'd got myself quite excited over the other guy when I thought DP and I were over for good. I don't think I'm afraid of being physically alone, I quite enjoyed it for those two weeks actually. But I missed having someone on the end of the phone all the time. Aaaaarrrgh what am I doing? Lol

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now