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Miss my DH so much since he left.

(57 Posts)
Sweetsecret Thu 11-Jun-15 09:33:18

Hi, I am just needing to vent.
My husband left me two months ago.
Saying he no longer was in love with me, he said he needed some space and didn't know what the future held.
he said "it took time for us to unravel so would take time for us to "ravel" back together"
So I thought that he was at least considering there could be hope for us.
I am devastated, I feel so depressed and lonely.
He said he wanted to spend time with our children every weekend and that he still wanted to see me every night have dinner etc, but he needed to sleep at a relatives house, just to have some space.
Obviously I have asked if there is someone else, he says no. And I actually believe him.
I am just hurting so much, and find it difficult seeing him, but when I don't I miss him so much.
He just acts like nothing has happened and is very nice and somedays we have actually enjoyed spending time together, it's like for a few hours I forget we are seperated and we have a good laugh together.
Then he leaves and it hits me again.
I want to save my marriage, I am confused as to whether he does.
I don't want to keep hoping and be in this situation six month to a year down the line.
But if I distance myself will that be it? will I lose him forever.
The situation now is that we only see him at weekends, as I was finding it difficult watching him leave, but I miss him so much during the week.
I look forward to seeing him at the weekends and I know this isn't healthy as if he doesn't want to be my husband anymore, I am looking forward to seeing someone who sees me as nothing more than a friend and the mother of his children.
I have people in RL telling me what I should do all differing opinions and I am just so torn.
Do couples reunite from things like this? is there any point in me holding out any hope?
Urgh, I must sound so pathetic. I love him and I miss him.sad

Spanglecrab Thu 11-Jun-15 09:37:58

He left you but he comes back to have dinner? Please don't say you cook his dinner do you? I think he is being exceptionally selfish and cruel. The ravel back together lube is designed to keep you in the frame should whatever he has planned (he does have a plan) doesn't work out.

Spanglecrab Thu 11-Jun-15 09:39:29

Lube???? I meant line!!!

TurnipCake Thu 11-Jun-15 09:41:54

Dinner? No, no, no, no, no. End this madness now, if he needs space so much, he does not just casually drop in every night for dinner. What an absolute headfuck.

Have you confirmed with said relative he's actually sleeping at their house?

Sweetsecret Thu 11-Jun-15 09:45:41

Ha ha, "lube" gave me a much needed laugh. Thankyou. Yes, it does feel cruel. I do feel like I am limbo. he just says he is dealing with one day at a time and not thinking any further than that.
Well, I am! and it is killing me.
Some days I feel so angry with him I just want to tell him I never want to see him again, (obviously can't as have two kids) then other days I just miss him so much.
We have been together for 14 years, it feels like "us" is all I have ever known.
oh god no, I don't cook we don't do the dinner thing anymore but when we did he would cook for me.
He says he misses me, but we just don't work as a couple.sad

Sweetsecret Thu 11-Jun-15 09:46:16

Yes Turnip I did think of that, and he is staying there.x

Bluestocking Thu 11-Jun-15 09:46:19

He's being a total bastard, using you as a cheap and labour saving way to get his dinner while he casts around for his next victim. Is there any chance you could tattoo "I'm a cocklodging fuckweasel, steer clear" on hi

Bluestocking Thu 11-Jun-15 09:47:10

Posted too soon. On his body somewhere to warn other women.

TurnipCake Thu 11-Jun-15 09:49:12

He's using you OP. Whatever he's doing now, he's clearly waiting on his options, but wants to keep enough of a foot in the door with you.

Sweetsecret Thu 11-Jun-15 09:49:36

I don't cook for him, he cooks for me. I put a stop to it a while back anyway, as I did if he needed space then he didn't get to enjoy my company.x

Cacofonix Thu 11-Jun-15 10:03:34

Honestly?? Why does he need space and need to spend time with you? He either wants one or the other. I know you are hurting but I wouldn't want to stay with someone who couldn't decide if I was enough for them and had to think it through. No way! I think you may have to take the lead and tell him you are either in this relationship or out of it. He is taking the piss OP.

PeppermintPasty Thu 11-Jun-15 10:18:22

I suspect that the main reason why this is so painful is because you are treading water, allowing him to set the agenda. He would more than likely keep this arrangement up forever as it appears to suit him nicely.

In your shoes I would call his bluff and formally separate. Give him the gift of your absence. If he wants to be in a relationship with you he will start putting the effort in. If he doesn't, you can get on with your life.

Either way you will take some control back, and stop feeling so helpless.

Babymamamama Thu 11-Jun-15 10:22:52

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm not sure that your mindset is helping. In your shoes I would be tempted to distance myself a bit to let him miss me. If he doesn't then that will be hard but it will prove the point that the relationship is ending. At the moment he can still see you so doesn't get any chance to miss you. After I split with my ex he moved to another city. He started to miss me and made moves to get back together but by that stage I has found my inner strength to move on even though I had been initially heart broken when he left. But it was nice to have the choice as to whether to get back together of not. Without that distance I dont think he'd ever have missed or appreciated what we had. Sending you all best wishes and strength whatever lies ahead. You are your own person and deserve to be treated well whether it's by this man or another in the future. Life will go on if you don't reunite. I went on to meet current partner and we had dd.

twistletonsmythe Thu 11-Jun-15 10:27:18

Bloody hell - he doesn't waltz in and out of your home any more. I wholeheartedly agree he is keeping you on the backburner while he waits to see if it works out with someone else.

The only thing you can do is tell him to get lost. Doorstep handovers for DC EOW only and no comms with you unless it is about children. You are no longer his sounding board or friend. Time to find your backbone and fast.

TheBakeryQueen Thu 11-Jun-15 10:34:38

He can't have his cake & eat it too!

You need to make him realise what life is like as the non-resident parent. Stop making it all so easy for him.

If he doesn't want the relationship then he can't spend cosy weekends with you as a family either. He can see the children on his own- that is the reality of separating.

Then you can have some time to yourself, have a rest, think about what you want.

You sound so nice (too nice), and he is taking the piss.

PeggyTheClothesHorse Thu 11-Jun-15 10:35:35

Hi op. Actually, I think what you are doing now is actually harming your chances of getting back together. Your H had the best of both worlds right now and he's not likely to want to give that up.

As hard as it is (I've been there myself), I think you need to make a decision in your own mind that it is over. And follow through with that. If he wants to be single then let him feel what it's really like. Where he won't have you at his beck and call and his DC available when ever he pleases.

This should help your confidence and put you on the path to moing on. If he then decides that actually the grass isn't greener, then you might decide at that point to get back together. Or you might decide that actually you enjoy single life more. Win win.

I hope that doesn't come across as too blunt. It's just that I've been where you are and it's soul destroying. In the end i decided that I was better off without STBXH and he spent the next year begging me back. I've now moved on and I'm happy with someone who truly appreciates me.

Baies Thu 11-Jun-15 10:41:25

Oh the poor man! Yes of COURSE you must give him his space and allow him to tip up whenever he fancies a nice meal cooked or to be able to lounge about in your home and play with his kids. He's been though a lot hasn't he?

Or , back in the real world , tell this useless twat to take his issues elsewhere and work on them in his own time in his own living space. Find your anger and your dignity ... Come on , where is it? Imagine if this was your daughter telling you that this was how she was allowing herself to be treated by a man. What would your advice be to her? Would it be ' oh let him pop round when he fancies and leave you hanging on' or would it be ' you are worth more and you do not allow yourself to be treated like this '

Who gives a toss what's going on in his mind? I can tell you one thing with certainty ... You certainly won't get him back by being so ' accommodating. '

My advice would be to tell him you've had a think and that this isn't working for you. He can see his children by arrangement and away from the home and you'd prefer it if all contact between yourselves was via email and kept strictly to the children.

Just tell him to fuck off. You don't need this in your life

Joysmum Thu 11-Jun-15 12:46:57

He is perfecy entitled to feel the way he does and it's good that he's been honest with you about what he thinks might help. You've accommodated his feelings respected them by trying to be as normal as possible whilst he dleeps elsewhere.

Likewise, it's now time to articulate that you've respected his feelings as much as you can but now he needs to respect yours and that what he needs is damaging you so it needs to change.

You'd no more be manipulating him into trying to get to home by stating your needs than he has you by needing more space than he had to try to get his head into some order.

Sweetsecret Thu 11-Jun-15 15:08:22

Thanks guys, what you have all said have made perfect sense to me, yep the whole cake and eat it thing needs to stop.
I ma normally quite a strong person who doesn't get trodden on easily.
I think I am too emotionally involved (obviously) to have any perspective.
I have told him now that when he sees the kids he has to take them out without me, he looked quite hurt. but maybe that's what he needs.
I appreciate all your replies, I feel like have had a good online slap round the face. (in a good way) xxx

Sweetsecret Thu 11-Jun-15 15:09:49

And Peggy that's exactly what my gut has been telling me, I just needed my head to catch up. Thankyou. x

Sweetsecret Thu 11-Jun-15 19:34:14

Okay, so have asked him to come and pick up the rest of his clothes which I have packed up for him.
I have told him he can see the kids all day on Sunday and has to take them out somewhere. And will be asking for my key back when I see him, (can't believe I haven't done it before now) he is coming round now, he was very cold and distant with me over the phone so I am done, I feel horrendous, but I called my mum and cried down the phone felt better afterwards. wish me luck.x

wallypops Thu 11-Jun-15 19:45:34

Somewhere on a thread someone was inspirational on this subject. She planned as if it was over. Got a life, hobbies, made the most of her child free time and blew her stxh socks off. Boy did he regret it. But by that time she was over him and on to a better life (hers) without him.

Sweetsecret Thu 11-Jun-15 19:55:16

thanks Wallypops that was so difficult to do but it's done, I have his key he has taken his shit and left. as usual he was doing the whole,if you need anything give me a call, call me if you want a cuppa and a chat. I just said yeah sure (not going to happen by the way)
My mum said pretty much what you said, she said find something you like doing one night a week, sort your diet, get your hair done and just show the world how brilliant you are. I hope he regrets it, but I doubt he will. He gave up a beautiful family, our children are wonderful and so young, just need to move on for them.x

QuiteLikely5 Thu 11-Jun-15 20:11:53

Sweet secret.

Please encourage him to get a place of his own where he can take the children to stay.

He made them too and he cannot walk away from them so he must bear some responsibility for that.

I have to say I'm not truly convinced he isn't seeing someone else and I guess you don't know for certain?

Taking the children will give you a nice break from being mummy and allow him to realise the enormity of what he has done.

Sweetsecret Thu 11-Jun-15 20:51:12

I don't know for certain no, do you ever? Believe me we have talked in depth about it and whether it's me being nieve or stupid. I do believe him.
he will be getting his own place hopefully soon.He only actually left four weeks ago so it is early days.
But yes, he will then have the kids every other weekend. He works quite far away and doesn't get home until 7pm everyday so him having them for tea midweek is out of the question, and I am solely responsible for school runs etc, always have been.
Hopefully when he sorts himself out a proper visitation schedule can be put in place. For now he will have them every Sunday so I can have a day off to myself.

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