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I need to write this down

(8 Posts)
KiltedKoala Thu 11-Jun-15 06:56:39

This is old "stuff" which has resurfaced recently since my DM got engaged after a whirlwind romance and has been behaving a bit bridezilla like. Am I just jealous or is it understandable that emotions can be brought up by stuff like this?

I now live overseas and so I haven't seen my DM in almost 2 yrs and I've never met this new guy. It will be a significant logistical and financial pressure to travel over but we are committed to doing it and I've agreed to be a bridesmaid and DD almost 3 will be a flower girl. In terms of what's going on in our world, I'm looking into study/retraining options as I'm temping but can't get long term work atm. Obviously this and job applications are impacted by the fact I'll be away, so I don't know if that's the stress that's causing me to be not as excited and happy as my DM would like.
But it's a bit complicated. Our relationship has always been difficult and my DMs latest tactic on that has been that vehemently has no interest in looking back and is only looking forward. That's nice if you can do it, but as much as I think I've left the past behind me here with my own little family but whenever I'm there it seems to press my buttons and I feel right back there as the problem child or teenager who was too much trouble. Now that I'm a
mum, I cannot believe some of the decisions and choices that Mimy DM made and its brought back some horrible feelings. You never forget being more important than a relationship.

KiltedKoala Thu 11-Jun-15 06:57:31

Sorry this is a pile of waffle and I haven't even said anything important

Seriouslyffs Thu 11-Jun-15 07:04:01

I think her whirlwind Bridezilla behaviour is reminding you quite strongly of how she didn't prioritise your needs when you were younger and that's hurting.
Job hunt regardless. Unless you're travelling back for 2weeks+ it's unlikely to impact on job offers.
Re finances and logistics how much can you pare down? Does your DH have to come too? Could you leave DD with him even, pleading funds? Can you literally just jet in the day before and leave the next day? Stay with friends rather than hotel and ask her to contribute?
Long term you could reexamine the relationship but for the time being just try and get through the whole experience as cheaply painlessly as possible.

tribpot Thu 11-Jun-15 07:05:03

I think it is understandable. Essentially your mother prioritised men over her children whilst you were growing up and now you're a mother yourself you are struggling to understand how she can have done what she did.

Your mother has simply chosen to absolve herself of responsibility by stating that she will only look forwards, denying you any chance of 'closure' from the childhood neglect.

Add to which, she has now hooked up with someone else and expects you to validate her choice for her by being all happy and excited about her upcoming wedding despite the fact you have your own life to lead. Because you can't muster the required amount of enthusiasm she is making you feel bad.

When exactly is this wedding? I'm guessing it must be relatively soon if it's impacting on job applications.

Either way I think you need to start distancing yourself from your mother and working on your self-esteem, trying to repair some of the damage she did.

MrsHenryMountbattenWindsor Thu 11-Jun-15 07:09:28

Hi Koala. I think a wedding can bring the worst out in people, even in the best of circumstances!

Yes, spending money and taking time out you hadn't planned to is going to be stressful.

But on the other hand, isn't there a positive to coming home? Aren't there people you'll enjoy seeing? Can you add a little holiday on to the trip just for you 2/3?

You've basically got 2 choices. Go NC with your mum, or get over it, move on and try and make the best of it. Only you can decide exactly how bad it is with your mum.

KiltedKoala Thu 11-Jun-15 08:00:33

It's about 4 months away, we found out in March. We're in Oz so will be away for at least 3 wks including travelling time otherwise you never really get over the jet lag and there's not really much point in going, especially as it will be our holiday for this year so would want time to do a little bit of visiting friends etc to make a holiday of it.

NC is something we do think about (usually immediately after trips if that tells you something) but she's the only parent I've got and she is ok some of the time so I back out.

tribpot Thu 11-Jun-15 08:16:34

Is a 3 week break 4 months away really affecting your employability? I think I would just explain it's a family wedding. I doubt an employer would choose another candidate purely for that reason.

That said I would do some reading on the negative impact of toxic parents. I think ultimately no parent might be better for you than contact with this one, purely because she's the only one you have. Only you can decide that of course - and it should be possible to be very low contact what with being so far away.

Seriouslyffs Thu 11-Jun-15 12:08:50

kilted just go for a long weekend/ short week on your own. The jetlag is a killer but it would minimise the damage to job hunting. 3 weeks is too long to take off at a new job.

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