Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should i tell his wife?

(40 Posts)
thedarkforest Wed 10-Jun-15 23:48:20

Hello, this is my first time posting.
Sorry its late, I am shaking whilst typing this.

I very recently discovered that the man I have been seeing is still with his wife. He told me they were divorced, and that they divorced due to her infidelity which resulted in her getting pregnant!! I feel so stupid because I believed every word he has said to me for the last year and a half.
I haven't even confronted him about it yet. I have no idea what to do. Should I tell her? If it was me I would want to know. What do I even say???

vestandknickers Wed 10-Jun-15 23:55:53

You shouldn't tell her. You've been gullible and got hurt. Why hurt her too?

BastardGoDarkly Wed 10-Jun-15 23:56:17

There will be a split in opinion here, but my advice would be no.

How long have you been seeing him?

How did you find out?

Have you split up?

I'm sorry this has happened to you, it's not your fault.

GinSoakedBitchyPony Thu 11-Jun-15 00:00:17

My advice is no.

Not sure how long you've been seeing him, but I know what an awful shock this can be. Similar happened to me but I'd only seen the man a handful of times when I found out. I'd slept with the bastard though.
Dump him asap.

GinSoakedBitchyPony Thu 11-Jun-15 00:00:53

oh just read a year and a half! that's awful.
dump him.

FastWindow Thu 11-Jun-15 00:01:02

Literally no idea? Surely you have some ideas how this could pan out.

springydaffs Thu 11-Jun-15 00:01:32

I'd tell her. I'd want to know if I were in her position.

But get yourself calm first - you have a lot to deal with here, I'm so sorry, it must be such a shock sad

SurlyCue Thu 11-Jun-15 00:03:44

I would want to know, at the very least from a sexual health perspective. I would want to know if i had possibly been exposed to anything.

thedarkforest Thu 11-Jun-15 00:03:53

We became close beginning of 2014 and first date on valentines day that year.
No I haven't said anything yet.
His wife posted a photo of them on their wedding day as her fb profile picture on their 3rd anniversary.

I think I knew deep down but I was in denial.
Now it suddenly seems like I can see everything clearly. I was so gullible! Love makes you do stupid things.

Things kept happening that would make me suspicious. He didn't want to tell anyone we were officially together. Broke up with me a few times for no reason then got back together. Said he has been living with his mum/nan since, and he can't get his own place because his house won't sell.
But if I ever confronted him about my concerns about him being still with his wife he would have a plausible answer for everything. Last time I asked him he drove for six hours to see me and said he would tell everyone about us.
It is such a fucked up situation.

NickiFury Thu 11-Jun-15 00:04:44

How has the OP been gullible? Rather an unpleasant and blaming assumption to make. She has been treated very badly because she trusted a man she was with for a year and a half.

Don't tell his wife OP. Cut all ties had never communicate with him again. I'm sorry this happened to you sad.

thedarkforest Thu 11-Jun-15 00:12:34

I can't say anything to him yet, I need to wait till he finishes work. He works nights with unpredictable hours so that is probably how he got away with it without her noticing sad
I would want to know if I was her, the amount of lies he has told is shocking. He must be a psychopath if he can be that convincing.

Sammasati Thu 11-Jun-15 00:18:03

I would want to know if I was his wife, lies takes away a persons choice which is not ok in my book. I would also want to know from a sexual health point of view. So I would tell her, I could not be complicit in a lie. But I also totally understand why people would not tell her.

I am so sorry that you have been lied to op, what a nasty man he is to have lied to you and his wife sad

TheHumourlessHarpy Thu 11-Jun-15 00:21:34

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheHumourlessHarpy Thu 11-Jun-15 00:23:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ChilliAndMint Thu 11-Jun-15 00:27:18

Absolutely! She has every right to know. I very much doubt you are the only woman he is playing.

Joysmum Thu 11-Jun-15 00:29:06

Empower her by giving her the choice to decide for herself whether she wants to devote any more of her life to this man.

You know and you've chosen to end it, so do the same for her.

I'd want to know do I could only ever advise to tell.

thedarkforest Thu 11-Jun-15 00:29:29

They have two children already, 3 and 9 sad
I feel so angry, like punching him in the face!
I honestly did believe him before. He keeps in contact all day; tells me what hes up to, replies straight away to messages, spends most nights we aren't together texting me until late. We were each others best friend. I know exactly what lies he will say to try and get me to believe him. He'll start crying and saying he loves me. That's its not true, she's done that to create drama and annoy him.
If I ask his wife then its the only way I might find of the truth?

Fabellini Thu 11-Jun-15 00:31:06

I doubt she'd thank you for the information, but I feel she has a right to know. I would want to know.

BuntyBoogaloo Thu 11-Jun-15 00:35:14

Tell her, but wait a while maybe.
I never understand why people say no confused - surely she has the right to know that she's married to a cheating cunt?
Sorry this has happened to you OP.

thedarkforest Thu 11-Jun-15 00:40:18

I would block him and never talk to him again but he has some of my things, like my old iphone. Should I get those back first?
I feel like I am going to be sick.
What exactly should I say to her? I'm bad at wording messages.

BastardGoDarkly Thu 11-Jun-15 00:41:22

Tell him to ring her up and ask her what she's playing at? In front of you, he either will, or he won't, and you'll know for sure.

thedarkforest Thu 11-Jun-15 00:47:36

Getting him to ring her up is a good idea! I'll ask him to do that. Why didn't I think of that.

I had been contemplating ending it anyway because he refuses to make things official and tell anyone about us. He said "it was too soon after his divorce and it would look bad".
But I love him so much, he was my best friend and made me so happy. I'm heartbroken.

scarletforya Thu 11-Jun-15 00:51:10

I bet the baby his wife is expecting is his and not the result of any affair on his wife's part.

thedarkforest Thu 11-Jun-15 00:59:24

His wife isn't expecting, she had an abortion. hmm And that 2 years ago so I think there would be a baby by now.

What if she doesn't believe me?
He's VERY convincing, I doubt she'll believe me. And he would have already planned what to say if I ever tell her. So it'll probably be for nothing.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 11-Jun-15 01:05:11

Just bin him and move on. You don't know his wife, so you owe her nothing, and it's fairly likely that she will respond to any contact from you in an unfriendly manner - the man might have already told her you are a deranged, desperate stalker he was once nice to, or something along those lines.

You're not the first and you won't be the last to get conned by a con artist. You're probably neither first or last to be conned by this particular man. You didn't mean any harm. Let it go: it will be laughable in a year or so. Best of luck.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: