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I really need to talk about my relationship with my husband

(93 Posts)
Ineedcheese Wed 10-Jun-15 22:28:20

We have many problems, but my new and immediate one is this.

We haven't had sex since before ds2 was born - he is 8.5m. No particular reason and we haven't spoken about it. This happened after the birth of ds1 as well, although not such a long time. In fact there have been several 'dry spells' and its always been up to me to start the conversation to try and get back on track, which I have said to him before I am fed up with always being the one who has to do this.

This time round, I haven't said a word and neither has he. He's slept in the spare room since ds2 was born. Ds2 is still in with me.

Yesterday I looked at the internet history on his ipad. He is watching porn daily or every other day. I had suspected he was watching a bit, but I am stunned by the frequency. Is this excessive or normal? I have no idea.

I am not anti porn as such, I have watched some in the past years ago. But certainly these days I find it uncomfortable and unpleasant and wouldn't want to watch it myself. Dh and I have never had a conversation about it really. I am very uncomfortable with some of the searches he seems to have made - its not just a quick look online, he is looking for specific stuff (not illegal or anything, just gross) . He is clearly a member of at least one site as there were several history items of you have a new message etc that if you click on it asks you to log in.

Mainly I can't get my head around the fact that he is spending clearly a lot of time and energy on this, and yet can't be bothered to do anything about his actual sex life.

I can't get to grips with my feelings about this, its left me feeling yucky all day today. Do I mention it? He's away tonight and just texted to say he's missing me. I want to reply asking if he hasn't got internet or something sad

Joysmum Wed 10-Jun-15 22:41:38

Of course you need to discuss it.

Frequency of porn is too much when it affects the relationship. For done this will mean even a one off, for others 5 times a week won't be an issue.
Mtge key thing here is that you feel it is affecting your relationship and would very much like to resume a sex life and feel hurt he's not looking to you for titilation rather than porn.

You need to tell him what you know and ask him how he thinks this makes you feel and how he thinks you both need to proceed to see if it tallies with your thoughts on it.

If it doesn't, it's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

Joysmum Wed 10-Jun-15 22:42:20

Apologies for the typos blush

Tory79 Wed 10-Jun-15 23:07:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedcheese Wed 10-Jun-15 23:08:32

Oooh name change fail!

Noneedtoworryatall Wed 10-Jun-15 23:09:57

It doesn't look good does it op?

Noneedtoworryatall Wed 10-Jun-15 23:10:49

Why point it out. I wouldn't have know it was a fail otherwise.....

Not helpful to op.

Ineedcheese Wed 10-Jun-15 23:12:45

No that's me pointing out my own name change fail!

wheresthelight Wed 10-Jun-15 23:14:05

It depends if the porn is the reason you aren't having sex or if there is more to it.

Sleeping on separate rooms is not ideal and is bound to lead to intimacy issues. Why is baby not in his own room so that you and dh can return to sharing a bed?

Dp and I haven't had much intimacy since dd was born and she is nearly 2 but I had a lot of issues after birth and he works nights however we do other things to maintain our relationship when we get time together.

withalittlebitofluck Wed 10-Jun-15 23:15:01

You need to talk with him. Put children in bed. Open some wine and tell him that you want to bring back intimacy and work out how to work together at it. Relationships are hard work, and both party's need to make changes and compromises.

Noneedtoworryatall Wed 10-Jun-15 23:15:07


Ineedcheese Wed 10-Jun-15 23:16:25

Ds2 not in his own room because he wakes through the night every 2-3 hours and I do all the night wakings

Ineedcheese Wed 10-Jun-15 23:19:45

where I think he's always watched a bit, I expect it's ramped up due to the amount of time it's been since we last had sex. Im sure it's not the only reason.
We've had large gaps before and he's not been at all pro active about it. At one point there was an 18 month period where I was the only one who initiated anything! And yet he's clearly not lacking in sex drive....

wallaby73 Wed 10-Jun-15 23:29:09

Hang on - back up. He had dinner with another woman? And he said he's had a nice time? Hello - this does not sound all.

Ineedcheese Thu 11-Jun-15 06:54:31

I can't tell if that's sarcastic wallaby, sorry if I'm misreading.
I have no problem with him having dinner with a woman, (although it smarts as we haven't done anything just the two of us since before ds2 was born) but I don't like the fact he didn't tell me about it. He has form for not telling me things he thinks I won't like.

tribpot Thu 11-Jun-15 06:58:29

Why are you convinced there's nothing going on with this woman he used to work with?

He has form for not telling me things he thinks I won't like.

To put it another way, he has form for lying to make his own life easier.

Ineedcheese Thu 11-Jun-15 07:05:32

Well I guess no one can ever be 100% about these things but there were a couple of messages there and she mentioned a date she'd been on etc I just didn't get the feeling there was anything dodgy going on (other than him not telling me)

Ineedcheese Thu 11-Jun-15 07:06:41

It's the porn that is bothering me more than the dinner

Tryharder Thu 11-Jun-15 07:20:15

I think porn addiction is an increasingly common problem these days; it becomes easier to wank off rather than to actually make an effort to engage sexually with your partner.

I think it desensitizes men and makes them unreceptive to 'normal' sex and leads them to seek out increasingly 'exotic' porn.

I agree with you, OP: why should you be the one to have to 'sort out' this problem every time it occurs.

When I went to Relate, my counsellor also happened to be a sex therapist. Would you DP consider seeing someone about this?

StaceyAndTracey Thu 11-Jun-15 07:29:07

You are assuming that he's watching porn because you are not having sex. But maybe it's the other way round - you're not having sex because he doesn't want to . Because he's watching so much porn or having sex elswhere . Or both .

Why would it not bother you that he's having dinner with other women and lying to you about it ? Where did he tell you he was - at work ?

Tory79 Thu 11-Jun-15 07:40:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedcheese Thu 11-Jun-15 07:42:25

Another namechange fail blush

TheMotherOfAllDilemmas Thu 11-Jun-15 07:48:08

Ok, before the witch hunting starts, I think you need to discuss the situation with DH and make arrangements for him to go back to your bedroom.

Pornography is a problem if that is taking time and energy from your relationship, but it is not only about telling him to stop, it is about how to work TOGETHER to bring the attraction back.

Baby trumps husband, no brainer, but if husband is not getting any attention... What do you expect? Get him to help you more with the baby so you can be more rested and, it is not the end of the world if baby moves to another room.

StaceyAndTracey Thu 11-Jun-15 07:49:44

Would it bother you if he was having an Affair with this woman, or someone else ?

withalittlebitofluck Thu 11-Jun-15 08:20:47

You need to tell him. And to be honest if my husband was not being intimate with me and going out to dinner with another women I would be hurt and rather worried.

Op do you want to work things out with him?

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