DP had a brief short affair, don't know what to do

[suebearbu]

Occasional poster, have name changed to avoid outing...

I am in my mid 40's and have been with DP for 3 years. DP is in his early 30s and we have been living together for the majority of the time we have been in a relationship.

We get on well, want similar things and we both love each other.

I recently found out that DP kissed a girl at his tennis club and followed her back to her house, where they continued the intimacy, but did not have sex. This happened over a year ago. For unknown reasons, he decided to not see her again after that night. He claims he stopped because he realised he loved me too much and could not bear to lose me.

I found out about said incident as I happened to be using his phone and messages from last year are still stored.

I am very confused. Please help.

[ALaughAMinute]

This must have come as a terrible shock to you. Do you think he's telling you the truth?

[HeresMyBrightIdea]

What happened at her house?

I'm afraid that, unless there is a very good reason for it, I wouldn't believe that they didn't have sex. If he followed her home, he had intentions. He also didn't ever admit it to you...he's lied for a year straight. The only reason you know is because of his phone.

I'm presuming that he knows that you know. I'd tell him that you now know everything, and you want the absolute truth from him. Tell him this is his last chance, and if he lies, he's gone. Then see if the story changes.

I'm so sorry, though. I know you won't want to hear it...your heart will want to minimise, as will he, and it can be so tempting. But then the floor will fall out again when the truth finally does come out, and you have the added pain of feeling like an idiot for believing him this time round. Don't let that happen. Get to the truth, and then decide if you can forgive him. Save yourself the additional pain.

[BeyonceRiRiMadonna]

I recently found out that DP kissed a girl at his tennis club and followed her back to her house, where they continued the intimacy, but did not have sex

He's proved himself to be a liar and a cheat, sex or no sex the fact remains he cheated and he lied.

If you both decide to work through this then you both need to be honest, open, transparent and patient. Repairing a broken relationship takes time and serious effort and a concerted effort by both of you (more so him) to make it work (he needs to be jumping through hoops to win back your trust).

[FolkGirl]

If there's one thing I've learned from reading a very many threads on here and my own sad experience, it's that what theu will willingly admit to in tje first instance is the absolute tip of the iceberg and what they think they can get away with. If you press, there will be more.

[meyesmyeyes]

Cheats always deny the having sex bit.

He had sex! Of course he did
He's trying to minimize things.

He thinks by saying they only kissed that he won't get into quite as much trouble with you

In fact, I bet they had sex loads of times But he's hardly going to tell you that.

[meyesmyeyes]

And he's still keeping her messages, after a year?

The fact he's hanging onto her messages, sounds like may have had strong feelings for her.
If this is the case, then you are looking at an affair that has been discovered, not just a one-off, one-night stand.

I think you need to do some further digging.

[suebearbu]

I can't think. Didn't expect this at all.

He stores all messages from everyone, doesn't ever delete it seems...

From the message transcript, which covered 4 months it appears that after 'that night' he wanted to see her again before tennis. She declined. She then came back a month later and asked to see him. He then declined.

From the message transcript it's clear there was no sex and his story is in line with what I have seen in his messages.

[Fairenuff]

Sorry OP, they had sex.

[suebearbu]

He said he was at her house for a few hours. They spoke about what they wanted long term in life etc. Kissed a lot, cuddled a lot. He lay on her. She lay on him.

Difficult to believe they did not have sex, but I believe him.

[DragonsCanHop]

I'm really sorry but they have had sex.

[HeresMyBrightIdea]

If they didn't have sex, then I'd guess that the only reason is because they had oral sex instead.

Come on, nobody lies on top of someone else, kisses them and talks about the future, but then says "That's enough heavy petting then, I'm off home."

I'm not surprised he wanted to see her again... But I'd be so hurt that he lied and kept it from you, and I'd bet my house that it's gone further than he's admitted.

[Cassie258]

How many messages were there? It's not clear. Part of what you say (or how I read it) makes it sound like there's a few and you can trace a story but part makes it sound like a very short convo.

Odd that he kept the messages. Really odd. Either he thought you would never see or forgot?!

Do you often use the phone? Were you prying? To see messages from a year ago, I presume you were. If you were, why? No smoke without fire, so they say.

He may well have not had sex with her. Only you can decide if you trust that.

Does he have previous for cheating before you?

[suebearbu]

Probably about 40 or so. They had met several times outside of tennis for drinks with their mutual tennis friends. The culmination of this was that night he ended up with her.

He has loads of old messages, even from his brothers. He just doesn't delete messages. I was using his phone as needed to find the details of a builder his brother recommended a while ago.

No previous. He is a soft and quiet man. He has had to deal with some tragedies in his life. I am still in shock.

I believe he did not have sex, but I can't decide within myself whether it is even matters. The fact is, he was in her home and he kissed her. He is not the most sociable person, so the fact he got so close to her says a lot to me.

[JeanSeberg]

Look for his other phone.

[Cassie258]

Can you trust him again? Can you forgive him?

[FolkGirl]

I was going to say that, op. Does it matter whether piv took place? That's what you need to decide.

Could you trust him again? Do you think he is trustworthy?

For me, the mental image of passionate kissing, him becoming aroused, then them lying on to tpp of each other and having intimate chats about the future and what they both want (which, by that point, will jave included him revealing dissatisfaction at his current life with you)...

I couldn't handle that.

Why don't people think before they risk everything like this?

It is possible that they didn't have sex. Of course it is. But it is equally possible that they did.

My exh is a quiet, morally upright man, not the sort women have ever been attracted to, blah blah. He still had an affair though.

He still maintains it didn't become physical until we split up. It doesn't really matter whether it's true or not, but I would be surprised to find out it did - he has some funny attitudes about woman and sex. Either way, it didn't matter to me. The emotional affair was enough.

[Vivacia]

It doesn't make sense that he didn't delete these messages. What's his explanation for keeping them and jeopardising his decision not to tell you?

[FredaMayor]

He claims he stopped because he realised he loved me too much and could not bear to lose me.

He said this was after and kiss and cuddle? Was he in a coma up until that point? So sorry OP, but as others here have said I think this is iceberg territory.

[Drew64]

Only you can make this decision, asking others to make your mind up for you about such a evocative subject will only cloud your opinion.
So...I won't be telling you what to do!

Do you love your partner?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?
Could you trust him?
Did you trust him?
Have you both spoken about your future?
Has he expressed a desire to spend the rest of his life with you?

Ask yourself all these questions, look critically at your relationship and decide where you want it to go.
If your both committed to it then you can fix infidelity at any level.
If there is any doubt then maybe it's time to move on.

[wingsflyby]

Do you think there is more to it, or was that it? I'm not sure I could trust him again after that. Hope you are ok.

[BobbiTheCynicalPanda]

He followed her home.

WTF? Am I reading correctly?
As for the rest, he's very likely minimising lying through his teeth

[badbaldingballerina123]

The absence of messages about sex doesn't mean it didn't happen. You will never know what's really happened between them. What you do know is that there was already an intimacy there before the kiss. He's then perused it further.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's incredibly painful. How has he reacted to the discovery ?

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

He said he realised he couldn't bear to lose you after that night? Yes still tried to see her months later?

[Pontus17]

I agree with a lot of the previous posters.....I think they probably had sex, or as someone said if not full sex probably oral. Whichever it is, getting imitate is more than just kissing.

Only you know if you can except what has happened, move on and more importantly, ever trust him again. Don't waste your life if you are never going to be able to forget and move on. It will slowly eat away at you, and make you bitter and resentful.