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DP had a brief short affair, don't know what to do

(82 Posts)
suebearbu Wed 10-Jun-15 21:19:48

Occasional poster, have name changed to avoid outing...

I am in my mid 40's and have been with DP for 3 years. DP is in his early 30s and we have been living together for the majority of the time we have been in a relationship.

We get on well, want similar things and we both love each other.

I recently found out that DP kissed a girl at his tennis club and followed her back to her house, where they continued the intimacy, but did not have sex. This happened over a year ago. For unknown reasons, he decided to not see her again after that night. He claims he stopped because he realised he loved me too much and could not bear to lose me.

I found out about said incident as I happened to be using his phone and messages from last year are still stored.

I am very confused. Please help.

ALaughAMinute Wed 10-Jun-15 21:26:56

This must have come as a terrible shock to you. Do you think he's telling you the truth?

HeresMyBrightIdea Wed 10-Jun-15 21:30:20

What happened at her house?

I'm afraid that, unless there is a very good reason for it, I wouldn't believe that they didn't have sex. If he followed her home, he had intentions. He also didn't ever admit it to you...he's lied for a year straight. The only reason you know is because of his phone.

I'm presuming that he knows that you know. I'd tell him that you now know everything, and you want the absolute truth from him. Tell him this is his last chance, and if he lies, he's gone. Then see if the story changes.

I'm so sorry, though. I know you won't want to hear it...your heart will want to minimise, as will he, and it can be so tempting. But then the floor will fall out again when the truth finally does come out, and you have the added pain of feeling like an idiot for believing him this time round. Don't let that happen. Get to the truth, and then decide if you can forgive him. Save yourself the additional pain.

BeyonceRiRiMadonna Wed 10-Jun-15 21:37:37

I recently found out that DP kissed a girl at his tennis club and followed her back to her house, where they continued the intimacy, but did not have sex

He's proved himself to be a liar and a cheat, sex or no sex the fact remains he cheated and he lied.

If you both decide to work through this then you both need to be honest, open, transparent and patient. Repairing a broken relationship takes time and serious effort and a concerted effort by both of you (more so him) to make it work (he needs to be jumping through hoops to win back your trust).

FolkGirl Wed 10-Jun-15 21:38:42

If there's one thing I've learned from reading a very many threads on here and my own sad experience, it's that what theu will willingly admit to in tje first instance is the absolute tip of the iceberg and what they think they can get away with. If you press, there will be more.


changeymcnamechange Wed 10-Jun-15 21:38:53

They usually deny having had full sex, but they usually have had full sex. Prepare yourself for finding out it did take place after all.

meyesmyeyes Wed 10-Jun-15 21:42:42

Cheats always deny the having sex bit.

He had sex! Of course he did
He's trying to minimize things.

He thinks by saying they only kissed that he won't get into quite as much trouble with you hmm

In fact, I bet they had sex loads of times sad But he's hardly going to tell you that.

meyesmyeyes Wed 10-Jun-15 21:46:46

And he's still keeping her messages, after a year? shock

The fact he's hanging onto her messages, sounds like may have had strong feelings for her.
If this is the case, then you are looking at an affair that has been discovered, not just a one-off, one-night stand.

I think you need to do some further digging.

suebearbu Wed 10-Jun-15 21:55:24

I can't think. Didn't expect this at all.

He stores all messages from everyone, doesn't ever delete it seems...

From the message transcript, which covered 4 months it appears that after 'that night' he wanted to see her again before tennis. She declined. She then came back a month later and asked to see him. He then declined.

From the message transcript it's clear there was no sex and his story is in line with what I have seen in his messages.

Fairenuff Wed 10-Jun-15 21:57:36

Sorry OP, they had sex.

suebearbu Wed 10-Jun-15 22:08:58

He said he was at her house for a few hours. They spoke about what they wanted long term in life etc. Kissed a lot, cuddled a lot. He lay on her. She lay on him.

Difficult to believe they did not have sex, but I believe him.

DragonsCanHop Wed 10-Jun-15 22:15:25

I'm really sorry but they have had sex.

HeresMyBrightIdea Wed 10-Jun-15 22:18:39

If they didn't have sex, then I'd guess that the only reason is because they had oral sex instead.

Come on, nobody lies on top of someone else, kisses them and talks about the future, but then says "That's enough heavy petting then, I'm off home."

I'm not surprised he wanted to see her again... But I'd be so hurt that he lied and kept it from you, and I'd bet my house that it's gone further than he's admitted.

Cassie258 Wed 10-Jun-15 22:22:28

How many messages were there? It's not clear. Part of what you say (or how I read it) makes it sound like there's a few and you can trace a story but part makes it sound like a very short convo.

Odd that he kept the messages. Really odd. Either he thought you would never see or forgot?!

Do you often use the phone? Were you prying? To see messages from a year ago, I presume you were. If you were, why? No smoke without fire, so they say.

He may well have not had sex with her. Only you can decide if you trust that.

Does he have previous for cheating before you?

suebearbu Thu 11-Jun-15 05:48:01

Probably about 40 or so. They had met several times outside of tennis for drinks with their mutual tennis friends. The culmination of this was that night he ended up with her.

He has loads of old messages, even from his brothers. He just doesn't delete messages. I was using his phone as needed to find the details of a builder his brother recommended a while ago.

No previous. He is a soft and quiet man. He has had to deal with some tragedies in his life. I am still in shock.

I believe he did not have sex, but I can't decide within myself whether it is even matters. The fact is, he was in her home and he kissed her. He is not the most sociable person, so the fact he got so close to her says a lot to me.

JeanSeberg Thu 11-Jun-15 05:53:00

Look for his other phone.

Cassie258 Thu 11-Jun-15 05:53:39

Can you trust him again? Can you forgive him?

FolkGirl Thu 11-Jun-15 06:34:06

I was going to say that, op. Does it matter whether piv took place? That's what you need to decide.

Could you trust him again? Do you think he is trustworthy?

For me, the mental image of passionate kissing, him becoming aroused, then them lying on to tpp of each other and having intimate chats about the future and what they both want (which, by that point, will jave included him revealing dissatisfaction at his current life with you)...

I couldn't handle that.

Why don't people think before they risk everything like this?

It is possible that they didn't have sex. Of course it is. But it is equally possible that they did.

My exh is a quiet, morally upright man, not the sort women have ever been attracted to, blah blah. He still had an affair though.

He still maintains it didn't become physical until we split up. It doesn't really matter whether it's true or not, but I would be surprised to find out it did - he has some funny attitudes about woman and sex. Either way, it didn't matter to me. The emotional affair was enough.

Vivacia Thu 11-Jun-15 06:40:14

It doesn't make sense that he didn't delete these messages. What's his explanation for keeping them and jeopardising his decision not to tell you?

FredaMayor Thu 11-Jun-15 09:32:52

He claims he stopped because he realised he loved me too much and could not bear to lose me.

He said this was after and kiss and cuddle? Was he in a coma up until that point? So sorry OP, but as others here have said I think this is iceberg territory.

Drew64 Thu 11-Jun-15 11:02:13

Only you can make this decision, asking others to make your mind up for you about such a evocative subject will only cloud your opinion.
So...I won't be telling you what to do!

Do you love your partner?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?
Could you trust him?
Did you trust him?
Have you both spoken about your future?
Has he expressed a desire to spend the rest of his life with you?

Ask yourself all these questions, look critically at your relationship and decide where you want it to go.
If your both committed to it then you can fix infidelity at any level.
If there is any doubt then maybe it's time to move on.

wingsflyby Thu 11-Jun-15 12:38:49

Do you think there is more to it, or was that it? I'm not sure I could trust him again after that. Hope you are ok.

BobbiTheCynicalPanda Thu 11-Jun-15 12:48:07

He followed her home.

WTF? Am I reading correctly?
As for the rest, he's very likely minimising lying through his teeth

badbaldingballerina123 Thu 11-Jun-15 14:27:51

The absence of messages about sex doesn't mean it didn't happen. You will never know what's really happened between them. What you do know is that there was already an intimacy there before the kiss. He's then perused it further.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's incredibly painful. How has he reacted to the discovery ?

PamDooveOrangeJoof Thu 11-Jun-15 15:37:29

He said he realised he couldn't bear to lose you after that night? Yes still tried to see her months later?

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