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Help me to discuss this with my friend?

(38 Posts)
Fernando2826 Wed 10-Jun-15 15:31:48

My friend has just told me the story of his last breakup, which still affects him to some extent. As such I want to ask for advice on what to tell him, so that I might help.

His ex and he were together for 6 months, breaking up in October due to university.

Apparently they were incredibly intense, a complete infatuation it seems - she talked about the strength of her feelings often, said that she wanted to spend her life with him, that they were soulmates and that she could see their lives, children, home etc. She also wrote these things in a diary according to a friend who has seen it so seemed to believe it to the case.

They decided to try and stay together at distance when both heading off to uni. Within 2 weeks, however, she had stopped texting him, despite having sent messages along the lines of "I need you in my life", "I miss your mind, body and soul" etc.

He was concerned so organised to visit, driving all the way from Exeter to London to see her. On the night he was travelling she cancelled, although didn't actually let him know - turns out she was in another guy's bed - she says nothing happened and he believes her, based upon tone of voice etc, but I personally think SOMETHING must have happened even if they didn't sleep together.

Her apology amounted to a single "I'm sorry", before sending another text to ask him to go to her house (they live in the same area) and pick up items from her parents, despite having done whatever with this guy the night before.

He then drove all that way to find her distracted and teary. She apparently spent a lot of the time avoiding conversation to text this other guy. He says it seems as though she was not thinking about how he felt at all, or about how to treat the breakup properly to show any measure of caring. They broke up that evening when they returned to her accommodation - she apparently got very teary and made him promise that they could leave the door open to reunion in the future, saying she wished she had met him at another time in her life. However, she got out of bed at one point to text this other guy/her new uni friends, even whilst he was still there.

Now I find myself wondering - as I understand it, relationships at distance quite often fall to pieces, particularly in an environment like uni. Now this girl has a history of promiscuity and cheated on her last bf when he went travelling for 3 months, when they had planned to be together, because she "feel out of love with him". She also engages in risky behaviour - drugs etc. She also sounds as though she was very immature, not emotionally rounded, or else she surely should have been able to empathise with him more? Should he still be sad about having lost this one? Or was she just an immature girl who got caught up in the first few weeks of uni and just fell out of lust with her bf? Then didn't know how to handle it - in terms of the breakup etc? So basically, does it reflect on her as a person, or is it just bright lights of london, immaturity etc?

Would really appreciate your help! I adore this guy...

Allbymyselfagain Wed 10-Jun-15 17:19:40

Are they both 18? Not being sarky it's an relevant piece of information. If they are i would tell him that most teenage relationships don't really last either and to go out and enjoy every single minute of his uni life. He will regret it if he doesn't.

Jenoftheweek Wed 10-Jun-15 17:21:42

Tell him it seems as if he had a lucky escape or...... mumble sympathetic noises and hold his hand.
Don't get involved. They sound immature.

pocketsaviour Wed 10-Jun-15 17:27:23

Teenage relationships don't last. At that age you're thinking with your sex organs and in no way ready to settle down. They certainly can't withstand an LDR situation.

Uni is the ideal place to meet new people and potential dates.

Lovingfreedom Wed 10-Jun-15 17:41:13

I broke up with the 'love of my life' within 2 days of getting to uni when I was 18...this girl might genuinely wish she'd met him at another stage in her life but what she's saying is that she doesn't want to be tied to a relationship. She wants to have fun.

FenellaFellorick Wed 10-Jun-15 17:52:56

Tell him not to get sucked in to endless navel gazing. He was with her for a few months and it went tits up. He needs to chalk it up to experience and move on.
Of course it hurts. It always does when you've been crapped on. But he needs to know that these ' really intense' things often burn out. They aren't sustainable as real relationships.
He needs to get out there, have some fun and mentally and emotionally put this girl in the past. It's difficult I know. But it's for the best. He has years of relationships ahead of him and this is a learning experience.

MonstrousRatbag Wed 10-Jun-15 17:58:30

Clearly, she is no good at LDRs. And possibly a bit impulsive, without necessarily wanting to be unkind or cause pain.

It would be very easy to point the finger at her for being awful and throw all the usual words at her (you know the ones).

But it would be kinder to her and also to him to say that, well, she's just young and a bit crap. Doesn't mean she didn't genuinely like you. Remember the good times, move on, resolve to do better the next time you want to end things with someone.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Wed 10-Jun-15 18:00:58

they were incredibly intense, a complete infatuation it seems
That means it was always going to be a short relationship.

she wanted to spend her life with him, that they were soulmates and that she could see their lives, children, home etc
What a strange 18 year old girl. What a strange 18 year old boy to not be put off by this.

Why are you so involved in this? Why are you trying to fix this bloke? Is he a troubled, deep and tortured type? If so, RUN AWAY!!!

What did you learn about relationships growing up?

DustBunnyFarmer Wed 10-Jun-15 18:04:59

Are you eyeing him up as a romantic prospect? Why such a high degree of involvement in his affairs?

Fernando2826 Wed 10-Jun-15 18:16:23

Thank you all for your replies.

They were both 21, not 18, but are such strong expressions of emotion still to be expected?

I want to help him because he's my friend and, yes, I suppose I am interested romantically. He is the troubled, tortured, deep type yes...

FenellaFellorick Wed 10-Jun-15 18:22:08

oh believe me, the troubled tortured deep type gets old FAST! And then you see it as pretentious and childish.

Nobody needs that sort of drama in their lives. It's a gigantic pain in the arse. Take it from a been there done that old lady of 41! grin Calm, stable and laid back - that's the holy grail of relationships. Drama is exhausting and there's only so much you can take of the deep brooding stuff before you start to dream of pipes and slippers grin

Fernando2826 Wed 10-Jun-15 18:31:41

Haha, perhaps he can become the calm, stable and laid back type? ;)

I think the reason he has been left feeling so at sea, whilst aware of the probable reasons for her actions, is her seeming lack of empathy and thoughfulness during the breakup. He said he didn't blame her for wanting freedom at uni, or for getting caught up in everything, or for wanting to breakup. What he was upset about was her ending up in another guys bed and then treating him like he didn't matter to her - so soon after such intense expressions of emotion. He is the kind of guy who would never act so cruelly to someone.

TopCivilServant Wed 10-Jun-15 18:31:49

Oh dear, It's all a bit Dawsons Creek.
I don't think you need any help- it's something he just needs to deal with himself with a whole world less drama.

MyPelvicFloorTrainsItself Wed 10-Jun-15 18:34:59

I would stay out of it all, they both sound a bit immature to me.

MonstrousRatbag Wed 10-Jun-15 18:36:42

Stay out of it. Men don't fall for the women they whine to.

And don't help him demonise her. You may not know the half of it.

Duckdeamon Wed 10-Jun-15 18:42:40

Oh dear. Detach yourself from his dramas with his ex, this is not a good situation for you to get into!

Fernando2826 Wed 10-Jun-15 18:45:40

Do you think he's being overly dramatic then? I know that if it were me and my supposed bf ended up getting with another girl, then treating me so badly, I would be devastated...

DrownedGirl Wed 10-Jun-15 18:52:00

I think you are the guy in question, who posted about this at great length but with exactly the same details, not long ago, and got the same advice. She's young, she is caught up in university life, she has changed, she wasn't really that into you... I am afraid you are just going to have to put it behind you and get on with life. Good luck!

MonstrousRatbag Wed 10-Jun-15 18:53:13

I'm not being dismissive, I'm very sympathetic. It is only natural for him to be hurt, what she has done is very hurtful. But that doesn't mean the most extreme interpretations of her behaviour are the correct ones.

Perhaps she acted as she did because she's messed up (either generally, or just at the moment). Or out of a combination of guilt and embarassment and not being sure what she wanted.

Maybe he has done things to her he is omitting from his account because they don't show him in a very good light. Who knows. But it is done and so he has got to chalk it up to experience and move on.

MyPelvicFloorTrainsItself Wed 10-Jun-15 18:54:59

I think you're the guy too. She not ready for a serious relationship yet sweetheart.

DrownedGirl Wed 10-Jun-15 18:55:02

Look: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2289423-What-on-Earth-happened-here

This is you, Fernando2826 and you are the guy!

It's a bit cheeky to come back pretending to be a girl friend of yourself, you know.

FenellaFellorick Wed 10-Jun-15 18:55:31

Don't know.
What's he doing? Can you give some specific examples of things he's saying or doing?

Of course he's going to be upset, anyone would be upset.

FenellaFellorick Wed 10-Jun-15 18:57:35

X Post.
Seriously? You're the bloke?
Why didn't you just be honest?

FenellaFellorick Wed 10-Jun-15 19:01:01

And seriously - JANUARY??? 5 months ago? You were only with her for 6!
Go out. get pissed. Date someone. Move. On.
You really need to.
You're going to end up locked in your bedroom writing crap poems and only going out to sift through her bins for toenail clippings if you don't sort yourself out.

Fernando2826 Wed 10-Jun-15 19:16:09

I wasn't honest as a means to test whether people's reactions differed - generally good people want to console someone who has lost a partner, whereas someone independent may receive a more accurate appraisal.

I apologise if I've upset anyone, but dispute that there is any timescale for getting over your first love.

The fact is that I did love her. She thought that she loved me, although seemed to know that it would never work at distance/university.

Perhaps her behaviour when I visited was indeed out of guilt, embarrassment whatever but the point is that she had cheated before and had pledged to herself she would never do so again. I understand that many people do do this, but I for one never have and never shall. I don't understand how she could, why wouldn't she just end it? Cheating is a mistake but it's not as though she knocked over a drink - it takes thought, planning, multiple decisions. You say she is not ready for a serious relationship but she had a 2 year union before me, was the one saying all of the intense things during and is in another relationship now...

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