Totally messed up and need advice!

[Emma1066]

Without waffling on, I stopped taking my anti depressants thinking I was fine but instead went into a spiral of depression, feeling trapped within my marriage and not wanting to be a mum to my kids. I couldn't see what was happening at the time and it resulted in me making contact with a man and going to meet him 5-6 times for coffee...that's all it ever was. However because I was enjoying the feeling of escapism and unable to live with the guilt, I told my husband that I had been meeting this man and thought I might have feelings for him. I then walked out and spent 2 weeks at my mums, leaving him in a right mess, in his own with the kids. We made arrangements to separate, but then he persuaded me to try again and we are having counselling. I have since gone back into my tablets and I no longer have any contact with the man involved. We booked a holiday to rekindle our relationship and I thought things were on the up. The issue is that a few days ago he came home from work and said he can't stop thinking about how dishonest and deceitful I was and I'm not the woman he married anymore. He wants to try but doesn't think he can get past it. I have tried to explain that I don't think my mind was in the right place while I acted that way but I can't seem to get him to understand. I have always been such an honest person and I'm struggling with what I've done and now feel that I'm about to lose everything.....any thought please?

[Joysmum]

I think the best bet is to:-

a) acknowledge you were wrong

b) acknowledge hurt and his right to be hurt

c) point out that you realise you had issues and have adressed that by going to the docs and are taking responsibility for that

d) this means it won't happen again.

e) you know it'll take a long time to try to overcome it and you want to because you love him but that if he doesn't want to you'll respect that because his happiness is most important to you.

[Emma1066]

Hi, thanks for replying. I think I have done all those things...I've acknowledged I was very wrong and apologised for my behaviour, I very much understand that I have hurt him immensely, as for the tablets....he's worried that I'll do it again when I eventually get off the tablets...WHICH I WON'T! Finally, I have also told him that I am prepared to accept his decision if he can't continue, as much as I don't want to.

Can I do anything else? He has started to say it's early days and he feels like we've gone from 0-100 in relationship terms very quickly and he wants to slow right down which I'm taking as a positive that he's not ready to give up. On the other side of that, I'm worried about how to be with him...do I kiss him or attempt affection or leave him to make the move...I don't want him to think I don't want to give affection, all very confusing! Sorry!

[pompodd]

OP, I think you need to take your lead from him. Understandably, he must be extremely hurt by what you did so you need to give him time to process it and come to his own decision.

I don't normally say this, but could you show him this thread? It speaks very eloquently and explains your state of mind and the dilemma you now feel.

I'm a man and can't really imagine how I would react if my wife did the same as you. Once the trust is gone - no matter what the circumstances or reasons for it - it's hard to get it back. I do hope it works out for you.