Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Getting married...

(31 Posts)
Mummybear8 Wed 10-Jun-15 11:13:51

Currently pregnant with my second child with my partner of 9 years. I firmly do not believe in "getting married for the sake of it" just because we have children.
IF we get married, I have very specific things I would like and have always dreamed of; beautiful church wedding, big summery marquee, a stunning dress, nice food etc.
The problem is other family members think we should just settle and have a nice fast, cheap registry office do and just get it over with like they did. I'd sooner wait until we can afford the full package I've always envisaged even if it takes us 50 years to get there!
So what's your opinion? Was your wedding what you'd always wanted or were you left disappointed/pressured because of what others wanted?

worserevived Wed 10-Jun-15 11:38:22

If you plan to wait, get legal agreements drawn up to protect you should you ever split. It is naive not to. In your position I'd just settle for a quick wedding as it is the easier option.

greenbottleglass Wed 10-Jun-15 11:41:32

You want a wedding, your family are talking about getting your marriage sorted.

We wanted a marriage so did it quickly and cheaply with two witnesses.

AuntieStella Wed 10-Jun-15 11:48:58

I never saw marriage a a 'for the sake of it' because I wanted the specific legal underpinnings and that was by far the easiest and most robust way of getting them.

If you have considered your situation (in terms of what would happen in the event of death, separation, critical illness etc of either/both of you, and whether at home or abroad) and are happy with your arrangements for all those scenarios, then you should wait and have the version you want.

But if you are not sure you are happy with the legal position, get a quickie, don't tell anyone, and then have the ceremony of your dreams as a blessing when you can afford it.

mrschatty Wed 10-Jun-15 11:58:31

If marriage is important and you want the legal securities then I would say quick signing of the docs to make it legal have the big 'wedding day' further down the line when you can afford it- I got married abroad was v cheap and simple but yes was what I wanted as v keen to be Mrs chatty- but if we couldn't have afforded it we would have done a town hall job

GymBum Wed 10-Jun-15 12:12:05

Your op reads like the wedding is far more important to you than marriage. Getting married isn't about the day, it's about two people wanting to be married. It also give both partners legal rights you don't have when you aren't married.

Also surely getting married isn't just about what you want. It's also about what your partner wants.

BolshierAyraStark Wed 10-Jun-15 12:27:51

I agree, definitely sounds like you want a wedding rather than marriage in which case I just wouldn't bother.

Mummybear8 Wed 10-Jun-15 17:04:57

Oh dear. This was not my point. We do not have to get married. There is no rush for us. Our families seem to think that if you have children you absolutely must get married for fear of being frowned upon or not conforming to society twenty years ago. We do not need/want to get married for financial security or for legal security reasons. We have no debt whatsoever - No mortgage, no finance, no credit cards. The only reason we would want to get married is to celebrate our love for each other in the company of our close family and friends.
As for saying "it's about what your partner wants too", yes I agree it is, but I highly doubt your partner envisaged the bride having an ivory vintage lace dress or bouquet of peonies on their wedding day and also doubt he would begrudge me having that either (and who doesn't want nice food at their wedding? hmm). I was talking about the smaller details of a wedding, not a huge dilemma such as "I want to marry in the church of my religion but he wants a stately home because he doesn't believe in my faith".
There is surely more to a marriage than just signing a document incase one of you suddenly dies or you decide to separate and are left with nothing otherwise? If not I don't think I'll bother! I thought people got married for love not for money but maybe I'm living in a fairytale!

pocketsaviour Wed 10-Jun-15 17:17:57

Well... You asked for opinions, and you got them smile

If you have DCs, I would do it, definitely, then have a blessing or whatever if you want to waste money have a big party at a later date.

My ex asked me to marry him, and he made it clear that a small wedding for him entailed just 80 of his closest relatives. Gulp. My ideal would be me and him, plus two witnesses. I agreed to have this "small" wedding and planned to stock up on Valium in advance. But then he ran off with another woman. Every cloud! grin

Sapat Wed 10-Jun-15 17:18:24

For me the marriage is more important than the wedding, and I would prefer spending £20k on the mortgage. We had a fantastic wedding on £9k planned in 3 months, best day ever. We cut the crap (hen & stag do, bridesmaids, first dance, expensive dress (I still spent £500), chair covers, linen napkins, etc) and kept the important stuff. The majority of our expense was the venue for the reception and the food (£6k). We had a ceilidh which was a blast. My luxuries were quality food & champagne, having my hair and makeup done and a photographer for 2 hours who took the best photos ever.

Gfplux Wed 10-Jun-15 17:18:40

What does your partner think, what does he want.

Penfold007 Wed 10-Jun-15 18:23:57

Mummybear8 unmarried mothers are in a very vulnerable position if anything goes wrong with the relationship. There are some tragic posts on here about just how vulnerable an unmarried can be if their partner dies or the relationship ends. If you've considered all this and are happy then your choice.

Your post definitely comes over as the 'wedding' is more important than the marriage but that's your free choice. If the fairy tale wedding is your dream then I'd just get married and have your dream wedding when you can afford it.

GymBum Wed 10-Jun-15 18:24:16

Oh dear.. No need for the strop Op.. grin You asked for opinions and you got opinions based on the information you posted. Look if you want a big ding dong party to celebrate your "love" for each other in front of your family than rock on.. You don't need a wedding dress or marriage certificate for that. Have a big old party but that's not what marriage is.

gymboywalton Wed 10-Jun-15 18:29:58

well i got married in the old days when 'the wedding' wasn't such a big thing. we had a church wedding and a reception in a hotel afterwards then went on honeymoon.

i would not have had children without being married because i think it would have left me in a very insecure position.

i have been the parent who stays at home when the kids were small and now i am the parent who works part time when the kids are older and need me around after school.

if i wasn't married and my husband decided to leave me i would be screwed financially. As it is i have that protection in place.

i also think that if you love each other enough to have kids, then you love each other enough get married.

if i were you i would get amrried in a registry office quietly and quickly and then save up for a church blessing with the dress, the party etc

redcaryellowcar Wed 10-Jun-15 19:08:22

I think what you were hoping people to say is 'have the day you want' which is exactly what I think, pp are correct in that there may be reasons for getting married which are more getting your fucks in a row, but I think the essence of your question wasn't that!? I would suggest in all your planning that you consider how much time you will spend with your new dh on the day as I think it's common with big weddings that you spend the day apart if trying to catch up with lots of people, I'd also consider who will look after your dc? Other than that I think your plans sound lovely.

Nolim Wed 10-Jun-15 19:10:37

I agree, definitely sounds like you want a wedding rather than marriage


Joysmum Wed 10-Jun-15 19:14:49

I couldn't give a shit about the opinions of others. It's up to the couple to compromise with each other and have the wedding they want.

BreadmakerFan Wed 10-Jun-15 19:16:56

Obviously most people get married for love but for some people they have investigated and they realise the legal benefits.

DH and I paid for almost everything when we got married and had what we wanted and I married for love and security while also hoping for children in the future. I would never have had children out of wedlock and now we have children I am glad of the legal protection I didn't know I would need if things went wrong. I am confident we won't split up though I expect to be told numerous times that no one ever knows what might happen.

LadyB49 Wed 10-Jun-15 22:19:50

Me and DH were second time around. I had one ds away at uni. He had 3 ds, one away, one about to get married, and one at home for the foreseeable future. We'd spent our relationship of 7 years spending time between each of our homes, then I moved in with him. We had known for a long time that we'd get married at some point. DH learned that for my financial security (his substantial pension fund) we needed to be married before certain date which was in 3 months. We planned our wedding within 2 months. Town Hall, hired a bus to take 50 of us to dinner and party at hotel one hour away. Bus took guests home at 11pm. We stayed on for 3 nights. Paid guitarist/singer £100 for 3 hours entertainment. My dress, we provided buttonholes for guests, meals, bus, 2 nights hotel (hotel gave us another night as a gift cos we'd stayed often).... All for just under £1,000.
My ds gave me away.
4 DSs paid £400 for a voucher for photographers framed portrait.
And it could have been lots cheaper.

Glastokitty Thu 11-Jun-15 03:25:26

I love the idea of marriage as getting your fucks in a row redcaryellowcar. Best typo ever! grin

Vivacia Thu 11-Jun-15 05:05:26

If he dies, who inherits his share of any cars, cash or house?

GrumpleMe Thu 11-Jun-15 06:09:30

I get it. OP. You're not particularly fussed about getting married - so if you do it, you want the wedding to be exactly what YOU want.

All that matters is that is suits you and your partner.

deckthehallswithdesperation Thu 11-Jun-15 08:02:45

Op, someone once said to me 'you have to get married once to know what you really want'. What she was saying was that, down the line, years later, when you've had your 'big day' with everything you ever dreamed of, you'll look back & truly 'get' that the greater part of it was totally unnecessary & frankly a waste & gives you no long term satisfaction. In photos your dress will start to look very old-fashioned, you'll remember the idiots you forked out for who did little things that pissed you off & your tastes will change & you'll wish you did it differently with the 'better' dress/different location/change of guests etc etc. Like everyone else you'll come to see the only bits that matter are the core of it, two of you, and few very close mates/family. Sadly only the wise few actually get this upfront. Listen to the wise ladies of MN, they know what they're talking about.

Kvetch15 Thu 11-Jun-15 09:13:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo Thu 11-Jun-15 09:29:29

Mine and DHs wedding cost under £1k all in, it was a brilliant day - very similar style to Big and Carrie in SATC (when the actually got married!), my friends spent £20k+ on their wedding and 2 years later are getting divorced.

My point is a wedding/marriage is about the commitment to each other, not the show you out on.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: