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A question for a friends situation

(37 Posts)
needalifeline Tue 09-Jun-15 19:11:12

Why would a man want to keep his relationship with her a secret? He's got a child to an ex who is a known trouble causer who has apparently withdrawn contact on a regular basis when he's been involved. he also has a younger child he doesn't see (mother is a bitch and won't let him he says) He takes her to see his family and is around his kid but I don't get why they aren't official. He's even denied her on facebook when someones asked? I think shes heading for a fall. I don't know what to tell her

SociallyAwkward Tue 09-Jun-15 19:13:29

Tell her to run... run like the wind.

Just his relationship history would put me right off.

Ex number 1 is a known trouble causer, ex number 2 is a bitch.

He sure can pick 'em can't he?

needalifeline Tue 09-Jun-15 20:08:00

See thing is I'm inclined to think they can't both be all that bad can they? He started talking to ex 1 again when ex 2 was off the scene and blamed his failings on ex no2

Duckdeamon Tue 09-Jun-15 20:11:29

Even if both exes are horrible why isn't he doing more to see his DC regularly? Is he paying maintenance?

Lots of red flags.

SociallyAwkward Tue 09-Jun-15 20:40:47

My SIL has an ex like this. 2 children by 2 different women. One was a psycho, one was a bitch, neither 'would let him' see the children.

So the inevitable happened, SIL got pregnant, he fucked off and has never made any attempt to see his daughter or paid a penny toward her since she was about 8 months old, that was 9 years ago.

needalifeline Tue 09-Jun-15 20:42:51

He says he is but she won't let him see child. See to me shouldn't he be pursuing that? Ex 2 only went for maintenance when she found out he was mates with ex no1 again. I've said its not worth this and leave it. Something not right here is there?

needalifeline Tue 09-Jun-15 20:43:27

I'd be tempted to ask both the exes or is that a bad idea?

needalifeline Tue 09-Jun-15 20:44:38

Socially awkward I think you're on the money there I think he is the problem

needalifeline Wed 10-Jun-15 11:34:00

Apparently the ex would cause trouble he's said today. He wants to make sure it goes somewhere. I think that's a cop out. Am I wrong??

Duckdeamon Wed 10-Jun-15 12:46:58

No, your friend needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

Jux Wed 10-Jun-15 19:13:36

The common factor is him. Neither wife is a bitch or a psycho or anything, I bet. It's just what he says because he's a waster and your friend needs to get out before she adds to his brood.

needalifeline Thu 11-Jun-15 10:55:58

I agree totally. I've spoken to her but it seems she's taken pity on him and thinks he's just had bad luck. He's a nice guy she says. I think he's using her I just can't make her see

Jux Thu 11-Jun-15 18:22:25

She sounds like a rescuer. Does she feel sorry for stray dogs too? (My dd is like this; I am fearful that she will wind up with some little shit just because he plays on her sympathies well.)

I think all you can do is be there when she finds out the truth and hold her hand.

needalifeline Thu 11-Jun-15 23:25:37

Yes she is. I've told her what I think because shes asked me but I don't think I should mention it again as I don't feel she would confide ion me anymore

sykadelic Fri 12-Jun-15 01:48:25

At what point would he be okay with going public?

Let's assume he's telling the truth, and that Ex #1 would withhold the child if he get's into a relationship... does that mean he would NEVER admit that he's with your friend? If so, their relationship wouldn't go anywhere. If it's time, and he's great in other ways, then I would sent a timeline on it.

That said, she's around his kid... depending on the age of the child, there's no way the child won't mention her at some point, if they haven't already so it's always better to come from him rather than finding out he's been sneaking "strange women" around the kid.

It's probably more like my SIL's fella... he's keeping his options open. He'll be telling people they're "just dating, nothing serious" and she's probably denying it to people as well, for him you see.

BitOfFun Fri 12-Jun-15 02:37:06

"Your friend" is probably dating a dickhead.

needalifeline Fri 12-Jun-15 08:38:52

Thank you ladies. I think the biggest thing that bothers me is that he isn''t seeing his youngest child and thats a major issue for me on its own. I asked how she felt about being with someone that doesn't see his child and she just shrugged and said yeah but its not his fault shes a bitch. Added to that he takes her to meet his family but when a mutual friend on facebook asked about his 'other half' his reply was, 'What other half.' I think he's a lot to hide and its not going to end well. Think the child is around 7 so I suppose she could be silenced by saying its not true etc. God what a mess

Trills Fri 12-Jun-15 08:58:35

I agree with BOF

needalifeline Fri 12-Jun-15 09:23:24

So do I Trills. She said last night that she couldn't post photos of them together on her timeline because they have too many mutual friends and it would cause trouble!! So he's not proud of her then? She jst can't see it.

Pedestriana Fri 12-Jun-15 09:34:22

Too many red flags for me. I'd be telling her to get out. If he already has two children and isn't with either mother, is not in contact with one child and is denying a relationship with your friend, this cannot go well IMO.

needalifeline Fri 12-Jun-15 18:38:29

You put that do well pedestriana thank you. She's a nice person and I thinks that's what's attracted him. I can't help but worry. Is there anything else I should do apart from pick up the pieces?

Pedestriana Fri 12-Jun-15 19:26:28

I don't think there is anything else you can do other than be there. If you've already hinted to her that you don't think there is a future with this man, there's not a lot you can do, sadly.

Jux Fri 12-Jun-15 21:11:35

I've got to say, I'd be so tempted to put photos of them up on my own timeline.

needalifeline Sat 13-Jun-15 08:24:02

Ye Jux that could be fun lol. I've said he will probably dump you if it comes out. Or even if it gets close to coming out. Its all so childish IMO as they are both in their 40's :/

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Sat 13-Jun-15 09:00:11

"I'd be so tempted to put photos of them up on my own timeline."

Me too. What has he got to lose if people know? He's not seeing his children anyway (which, if he was bothered, he'd sort out through the courts surely?).

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