Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How to tell if you are just Miss Good Enough for Now

(15 Posts)
MsEnough Tue 09-Jun-15 16:23:29

Sorry if this is long...
He is 31 and I am 30. I have a young DS. We’ve been together about 10 months.
I moved back in with my parents’ after splitting from DS’ dad to save for a deposit for my own place. I’ll move out in 10-12 months.
He moved back in with his parents after splitting from his ex while they sold the house. He has decided to stay for about another year because he is setting up his own business and he is putting all his cash in that.
It has been suggested that if things are still going well by then, we’ll move in together.

Generally, things are lovely.
I run my own business too and it’s going well. We love talking about our projects and getting enthusiastic and egging each other on. The future is exciting for both of us really. We’re both pretty creative and ambitious.
We have loads in common and have lots of fun. We get on well with each others’ friends and families. We’re big on long conversations into the night etc.

Because of our living arrangements and because I have DS, there isn’t loads of opportunities to spend the night. Some weeks we’ll be really busy but we’ll try and see each other even if its for just an hour a time. Other weeks, we’ll spend a couple of nights together and the odd day. We talk all the time by text and phone.

He’s very kind and supportive. And funny. He makes me happy and I love him.

Here’s the rub….My own doubts about how strongly he feels about me.

He says he’s never had a relationship before where he feels like he has a best friend and a girlfriend. About 4 months in, I told him I loved him. He said love was a big word and he felt like he was getting there but didn’t think he could say it yet. He wants to be sure before he says it, particularly as he has been so hurt (his ex cheated). Neither of us have mentioned it since.

I often feel like he does. If we’re out in a group, we're always sneakily looking at each other and smiling. We’re very cuddly and affectionate. He’s really caring.
We don’t have sex as much as we would like as we are not often alone more than a couple of times a week. We try and go away for a night every now and again.

He has had 2 LTRs and I know they both moved quite quickly. Moving in fast etc. It sounds like he was even a bit over the top with them. Buying expensive gifts, proposals etc. He says he was young and never felt like he could be himself and always felt like he had to impress and that he feels more secure about himself then he was then. He says he’s happier now with his life then he has ever been (not just me, but work, doing lots of exciting things, lots of time with our friends doing fun stuff etc).

Don’t get me wrong, I would run a mile if he showered me with expensive gifts and proposed marriage at this stage.

He has met DS a couple of times and all spending more time together is on the cards for the summer. I have always wanted to move slowly in that regard. And I guess I am holding back because I keep thinking I don’t want them to spend time together until I can be sure he loves me.

I keep thinking he can’t feel as strongly about me as he did those other women.

I don’t want to pressure him to say those three little words. I know actions speak louder than words and like I said, I feel loved when we are together. But how do you know if someone truly does love you or if they just think you’re great, but are not mad about you, you’re just a great friend? What if they just like someone to cuddle up with and like being in a relationship?

This is kind of what happened with my ex. If I am completely honest, I settled. He turned out to be quite nasty and controlling. But I am terrified of someone settling for me.

How do you know?

holdyourown Tue 09-Jun-15 17:51:18

It doesn't sound like it OP and your relationship sounds great smile
I can't see any reason to doubt it. It just sounds as though you would feel much better if he said he loves you. It sounds as though he's acting like he does. I can see why you're holding back a bit from introducing ds though given that. Does dp want to get to know your ds more or mention that? If so perhaps you could tell him how you're feeling?

FredaMayor Wed 10-Jun-15 09:08:10

I think you should take him at face value. It's still early day and if you are good together, he may not want your relationship to go the same way as his previous ones. Understandably you are wary because of your own relationship history, but I think his actions here are speaking louder than words at this stage.

MsEnough Wed 10-Jun-15 13:35:40

Thank you, it's really kind of you both to reply. I realise that compared to some of the problems on here, I probably sound a bit self indulgent.

I have just found the last week or so I can't stop thinking about this, and everything he does or says, I am matching it against whether in my book, he's acting like someone who loves me.

We have spoken about spending more time with DS. He has always made it clear that he'd really like to, but it's down to me. I really want them to know each other now, and it would make life generally a lot easier.

I don't want to say to him....I want you to meet DS properly, but only if you tell me you love me. Ha!

Thanks again
flowers

Twinklestein Wed 10-Jun-15 13:57:30

All the signs are good thus far.

But I think the child gives him added responsibility if he's to say he loves you. He may not want to declare his feelings without a sense of how he gets on with your son, and a sense of whether you + son + him are a viable unit. If he says he do you infer he would therefore take on your son?

newbiefrugalgal Wed 10-Jun-15 14:01:02

.

MsEnough Wed 10-Jun-15 14:10:19

I understand that twinkle but he would never need to take on my son and I think he can see that. I'm very independent (despite living with my DPs). My business does well, and I am saving at a good rate and was doing so before we met.

Because of his circumstances with running his own business, I've never allowed him to be flash with money. All costs are always shared. Plus DS has a great relationship with his dad and is with him 2 nights a week.

DP's ex had two children and in that relationship it was very different. He was moved in quickly and did take those children on as his own and provided for them. I would never want that.

I guess it makes sense though that he would want to see everything as a package before he gets carried away.

I think I generally worry that because he hasn't said it, he might not feel it. I worry that after being so hurt, he might see me as a "safe option". He has said before that he trusts me not to hurt him. Which made me think that.

LadyBlaBlah Wed 10-Jun-15 14:29:10

You are worrying about nothing.

It all sounds great. What exactly do you want from him that you are not getting? You'll have to be specific with yourself.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 10-Jun-15 15:12:37

I think you need something else to think about. You are at risk of putting your life on hold waiting for him to Say Those Words, which is a good way to mess up an otherwise perfectly all right relationship. What hobbies/interests do you have? Could you take up a new one (given that you don't have to spend that much time with your boyfriend and in fact need to fill up some time)?

And please remember that there are no guarantees however nice and well-intentioned either partner may be. One of you could get killed by a frozen chunk of piss falling from an aeroplane. Or get a magnificent job offer at the other end of the world. Or decide, at any point, that you/he no longer want to be in a particular relationship. So it's a good idea always to have other things in your life that matter as much if not more than a couple-relationship.

ShonaOCasey Wed 10-Jun-15 15:41:32

I agree with SGB and would add that although it is a cliché, actions do speak louder than words! Some people could tell you they love you ten times a day and be lying through their teeth, some people just don't like saying it but will show they do by being there for you in a relationship like the one you have described.
Chillax!

BathtimeFunkster Wed 10-Jun-15 16:26:05

I think 10 months is a long time to date someone who isn't in love with you.

Actions don't always speak louder than words.

Actions are non-specific.

Someone can say they love you and be lying.

But if they won't even lie about loving you, you should probably presume they don't.

MeganBacon Wed 10-Jun-15 17:02:27

I think that at 10 months you should be able to have some discussion about your feelings for each other even if it isn't love. Otherwise it's very hard to answer your question without knowing the guy - I knew a man who never said I love you but behaved like it for years and then came over all pious and "but I never said I loved you" when he decided to up and leave.

expectantmum79 Wed 10-Jun-15 17:39:45

I introduced DS after 6 months we were engaged by 10. Sounds like he may be reticent about your DS as he got close to the other children? Does he still see them? He sounds like a nice guy, he could have just said it and risked your feelings.

Duckdeamon Wed 10-Jun-15 17:50:56

The relationship sounds quite nice but I wouldn't be assuming a future together or introducing my DC to someone when I wasn't sure (and hadn't said) they loved me. 10 months is really not long at all.

It is odd that he's floated the idea of living together in the future given that he hasn't even said the three little words.

If you did make plans to live together surely the plan would be for him to "take on" (hate that term) your DC in the longer term, and to share family money. If you live with someone in a family they do have an important relationship with - and some responsibility - for the DC.

mommyof23kids Wed 10-Jun-15 19:52:53

He sounds nice but not mr warm and gushy. A man can tell you he loves you but never use those three words. Is he there for you? If something happened like your car broke down would he be there for you? If you were being treated rudely by another person would he speak up and tell them to piss off?
Can you count on him? Is he there in little and big ways to show you that you are important to him?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now