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A complicated case (warning - long!)(39 Posts)
Hi guys, so I need some advice, and other people's opinions. I will tell all...as daunting as this is going to be for me. Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 5yrs, the start of the relationship was amazing, we could easily just stay with each other the whole day doing nothing, and be perfectly content with one another's presence alone, my girlfriend is basically me in a skirt, we were together 6months and then I came into a little money and I wanted to leave home anyway, we are/were in love, so I asked her if she wanted to get a place together and she said yes. We spent so much time planning everything, making sure we had all we needed for the house etc. Now, I've always been poorly, suffered a mental breakdown when I was younger due to having aplastic anaemia (all of which is gone now and I'm healthy). I'm trying to keep this short an sweet and fit in the relevant stuff, so sorry if it's all over the place. I've always been a happy go lucky guy, never raised my voice, or shouted etc before we moved out together (more on that soon) I've always been placid and never liked confrontation at all.
I have always had health issues from the start, and my girlfriend knew this and still decided to be with me, something that all my past girlfriends had decided against, and so to me this meant she was the one for me, still is in my eyes.
So the day comes of the move, my family didn't help me move anything at all, slightly dysfunctional we are, but my dad helped me move my stuff in and I stayed the night on my mattress in our now home together, my girlfriend joined me the next day.
The day after I woke up, I started hearing a voice in my head.
The day we moved in, it was as if I was looking in on my own life from above, I would be told by "the voice" to basically be quiet and not say anything, or they would cart me away, was also told a multitude of other things, like to harm myself, and my girlfriend didn't really love me she was just using me for money, a place to stay etc.
I get a set amount of money each month due to a hospital mess up, that money goes to all the bills which I pay for, and also I work 3 days a week and my girlfriend only works 1 day a week (when we first moved out - she was working 4 days, she is a nanny and unfortunately her other charges moved away/couldn't afford childcare anymore). I decided that her working 1 day a week was fine, as we didn't need the money and she has severe anxiety issues, and I told her this. However "the voice" would tell me that she was in it for the money. Even though her parents bought us the house, I couldn't shake the voice telling me those things.
During the 2 years we stayed at our first house, it was hell on earth, I would wake up, hearing this voice telling me all these things, and I did not have the strength to tell anyone.
Flash forward to now, we moved out the house and the voice followed, I thought it would go, maybe, the house was bad, I tried rationalising it so many ways and I could not.
Came to a head where me and my girlfriend was arguing because she was unhappy in our relationship, she told me (and I'm writing this now voice free, i'll get to how in a second) that the four years we've been together have been hell, that I didn't pull my weight around the house and that I just stayed indoors all the time, never listened to her, didn't have conversations with her, shouted at her when she tried to talk to me etc, she also told me that due to this she was/is suicidal and had been feeling like this for a long time, that she was thinking of leaving me and going to live in Spain with her family. She now because of this whole mess, is depressed. She feels worthless and sad most of the time and it's all my fault. These are my own words and feelings about the situation. She has admitted that it played a part in it but has also said I'm not responsible for her emotions.
So the argument stopped because it ended up with me holding a knife and saying to my girlfriend I'll show you how to kill yourself, or something like that, I don't remember a lot
(will explain why momentarily) (bearing in mind myself writing this now was looking at this from above myself, inside my own head, like third person view, because of this voice, I had some control over my actions I think?, but most of the 4 years is a blur)
The voice told me that my girlfriend didn't need me anymore, inside my own head I was telling it to shut up, leave me alone, go away etc, it came to a crescendo of madness eventually, that's what it felt like, and next thing I know, I'm back to reality and I'm holding a knife, my forearm is cut and my girlfriend is sobbing and looking at me horrified. Even now I can't fully remember that night, the next week was like a dream for me, I'd wake up in the morning not understanding where I properly was, I'd grasp at memories of us moving to the new house but it didn't seem real, none of this seemed real. My girlfriend wasn't the happy girl i love, she was this cold, angry person that didn't like being around me and I had no idea why, we both sat down and she told me what I had done in the past 3 years. That she had desperately tried to look after me because I wouldn't look after myself (health wise, not taking tablets, creaming for my psoriasis, eating properly) all the while trying to look after herself (severe stomach problems possibly IBD and bad anxiety) and the household (two dogs and 7 rats too). That she had come to the end of her tether so many times begging me to help her because she was so overwhelmed and couldn't cope, that i'd watched her in a sobbing mess on the floor and made promises over and over that I'd help her only to break those promises a week later. She was barely holding on by a thread and the reason she hadn't left was because she still loves and cares about me.
To me this all was so far fetched, I couldn't believe this was happening! I tried to remember everything and couldn't, it was like I'd stepped into our previous house and something had taken hold of me, and then I'm waking up the next day like it was only yesterday we had been talking about moving to our first house and everything was great and happy and now it's not, and realising that it was me who caused this, I broke down, I literally had a mental block and could not remember anything, apart from good times we had together since being together and even then i didn't believe those things happened, it was like I'd been away and comeback and I tried explaining to my girlfriend, I don't know if she fully understands what's happened to me, but anyways I'm babbling on with the story!
So we decided to try and get past everything that has happened and move on, start fresh, to me I couldn't understand why we had to do this fully, as I thought all was great, but to realise that you've hurt someone you love and emotionally drained them and mentally hurt them for years is a lot to take In. Came to another head, my girlfriend left her laptop open and a message popped up from her mum, (whome I class as my second mum, me and my girlfriends family are close, and they have done so much for me, so this is why) and the message was a picture of a message that my girlfriend had sent, so my curiosity peaked, i shouldn't have read the message, it was wrong of me and I betrayed her trust, but I'm glad I did in some way, as the message was my girlfriend talking to her mum about this guy that she had been talking too on and off for 6 months who lived in Spain.
During the time I had "the voice" I had to go on treatment for a hep c I had contracted through the hospital when I was younger (hence the money pay out I mentioned) so from October 2014 to January 2015 and so on, I was on treatment for it, it was hard and gruelling and it tested both of us. We had agreed at the start of the treatment if things got too hard my girlfriend could go to stay in Spain for a week or two. I had no problem with this from what I remember of it. I could cope on my own and I had my family ( two sisters who are nurses) near me so I had no issue and said it would be fine.
Back to the messages, I read them and found out she had been talking to this guy for months, during my treatment and that when she had been going out there (we are in 2015 now) and spending a little bit of time together, and consequently she feels like she loves him, as he was a light in the stress and darkness. Also found out that her mum knew all this, and said she wanted what was best for her daughter and to do what made her happy, happy being that he had asked her for a semi nude pic and she had sent it because her mum said " you may as well do it to get him off your back" at this point she wasnt speaking to him anymore because they had fallen out, though she will won't tell me why. So as I read all this, I asked her why she had done what she did and she told me it was because she wasn't coping, that she needed some happiness in her life while I was being "not me" and clung to it, she said sorry and I asked her was that it, she explained that she had met him at 18 and they had a connection, and that they got back in touch recently. I'm 28....my girlfriend is 25....he's 50. To be told that your girlfriend may love another man, (who is the same age or near enough as her father!)
to be told that, but to do this while your going through treatment. I didn't understand why she would do this. I asked her was that all and she said yes. I then checked into her emails and found the message thread, again I know I should not have done this but I needed to know if there was more. I found out there was, found out about the picture she sent him, found out that he had walked her home from her being drunk and people had shouted at them in the street saying "ohhhh she loves you" her replying to him saying I do love you, your my strength and light in the darkness, to read all these things broke my heart. Is just come to terms or tried to about what happened to me, to then find out all this and even that her mum knew....it broke me. They had spent time in his car together talking also, and he even had a secret name on the thread for her incase HIS GIRLFRIEND ever found out. Reading this i couldn't believe she would do this, or even go to this level. I have her three days, I'd asked her time and time again about all this new stuff I read and gave her a chance time and time again by asking her "is there anything else I need to know?" I won't be mad I said, I just want to know.
Eventually she told me, after I had baited her into it practically, so she had now lied to me not only once by not telling me about this guy after we both agreed to get back on track, but several times after.
Lots of crying and going back and forth if we should stay together, myself becoming the weeping mess on the floor and sometimes on her, begging her not to leave and asking her to give me a chance because it wasn't "me" who did all those things to her, it was someone else. And her saying "but it was you". Me saying I'm not that person I would never do that, it feels like I'm in some alternate reality. We decided after our second crying mess argument we had to keep trying, and we are trying to because she doesn't know if she can get past what's happened, she wants to be happy, not just ok with things, I say to her that it's because she is depressed over what I've done and made her into, that we need to get help from a counsellor or something. She did not want to do this because she believes it won't help, so we carried on trying to get by.
We decided to take a holiday, see if we could live with one another away from everything, just out in the country, day before we was meant to go away, she accidentally sent me a picture that she had on her phone of them talking again. After she had told me she was not talking to him anymore that it was a mistake. i said to her why would you lie to me again, After we had spoken about getting back on track for the second time, she said she had a moment of weakness, I cried a lot consequently and then we cried together and then we decided again not to talk about it anymore and go away and have fun. Before we went away we both agreed to see a relationship counsellor which we are doing tomorrow.
When we work, we work great, it's like when we first met, but when she gets unhappy or she gets upset and then feels that suicidal pull again, it goes to hell. When I try my hardest to come to terms with everything and I can't hold it together, I ask her questions, I'm paranoid every time she is on her phone that it's him, that she is being pulled back to him because of what has happened. She is also going to Spain with her friend in September, and that for me is really hard to deal with, I'm having to trust her given she has lied to me and believe she will comeback or that she would not have seen him while she was out there.
my question to you guys is what should I do?
I do not want anyone flaming my girlfriend,we have both been through enough, all I would like is opinions, yes everyone can have their own, but I would prefer it if you don't say anything nasty or hateful towards her or me if that's ok
Anyone replying to this thread would be great
Thank you for reading
OP, are you under the local mental health team? I urge you to seek medical help urgently. You seem to have a very loose connection with reality and your hearing voices that urge you to harm yourself or others is very very worrying. Please ring your GP today and ask for an emergency appointment.
You have both been through some awful times. It's no wonder neither of you are happy.
Are you getting professional support for the MH issues?
I agree with you that you have to 'let' her go to Spain in Sept and hope she comes back to you. Who can say if she will. She deserves happiness as much as you do.
To be honest, I think your focus at the moment should be your own health.
Like I said I don't hear anything anymore. I'm no longer hearing anything, and I was never told to harm others, only myself, as non rational/rational as that sounds
I agree, I do need to see someone in regards to what's happened to me, and yes letting her go is going to be very hard, I only want to make her happy and give her what she deserves, only the world in my eyes
Thanks for the advice
Have you spoken to a medical professional about the voices?
I think you have been through a lot.
Did you seek out professional help for the voices in your head?
No I did not seek out anyone, as its really hard to do that when you had something telling you that if you did you would be carted away, my girlfriend says that I'm not the same, that I'm back to being who I was at the start of our relationship, but I shall tell all this to the counsellor tomorrow
You need to get some serious help for your mental health, you do not sound well at all. And to be honest I think you need to let your girlfriend go, this sounds like a terrible situation for both of you, I can't see how either of you can be happy with this.
I urge you to get an urgent GP appointment and go over all your health issues with her, including those that have gone away (ie the voices).
Your GP will help you coordinate all your medical needs and get you in the best possible health.
That will give you strength to deal with day to day living, including relationships, far more easily.
Get help. Print your OP and mail it to your GP asking for an appointment.
A voice that arrives, then leaves, can come back again. You need to be ready.
I think you need to be absolutely open with the counsellor tomorrow - perhaps you could print out what you've written here so that you don't miss anything out?
It sounds like your girlfriend could do with a little break - you say you want to make her happy, so why not agree that she should go to Spain and spend some time with her family?
It wasn't voices, it was one voice, which is gone, I can deal with day to day things, I'm going to see a counsellor tomorrow with my girlfriend to sort through all of this
She is going to Spain, I'm not stopping her going at all despite what has happened, and yes printing this out for the counsellor tomorrow would help! That's a great idea! Thanks
It's great that the voice is now gone.
What are you going to do when it comes back?
A counsellor is not qualified to give medical advice, which I think you very much need. In addition to seeing the counsellor (which will perhaps do you good just to talk to an objective third party) please do see your GP as well.
Really sorry to read about the distress that you and your girlfriend have been experiencing. I don't hvae anything helpful to say but didn't want to read and run.
If you really don't want to see your GP about the voices, you could look at this website for info: www.intervoiceonline.org/
Well it's been 5 months and nothing has comeback, nor have I felt anything akin to the same feeling it was, but yea maybe that is a good idea also
As a previous poster has said, print out your OP to take to the counsellors with you. It is very detailed and eloquent and it may explain things better than you can when you are in that environment. I hop you get the help you need to feel well again.
You know that old saying 'If you love someone, let them go', this is definitely the case with your girlfriend.
Good luck OP
I agree with others you need some mental health intervention. I realise you think you are better now but these events remaining untreated really worry me. You need mood stabilisers whether that's therapy or a prescription that's the doc's call.
I don't think you can sustain a relationship in this state. The first half of your op suggests a very disturbed mental state and an unequivocal risk to you and your gf. The strain of this situation has pushed your gf in to seeking comfort in a stranger who doesn't sound like a great choice for her either - who discusses swapping flirty pics with their parents - that's v odd
She has a very open relationship with her mother, nothing odd about it at all, and she didn't discuss, it was more the case of I drove her too it and she made a decision in a state of depression and sadness. No pictures were swapped, only one was sent because this guy kept asking and her mum said just send it to get him off your back if it's going to do it, it went from friendly relationship to her having feelings, to him hurting her in some way, I understand it from my girlfriends point of view, that she did what she did to feel a little happiness
Forget the counsellor, they don't have the experience or qualifications to deal with serious mental health problems such as yours.
As pocketsaviour said you need to call your GP today and make an appointment this week.
Print this thread out and give it your GP as it contains a summary of your states of mind over the last 4 years.
It's good that you're not hearing the voice right now, but you can't be sure if that's short or long term, you also seem to be experiencing what are called 'dissociative states', memory loss, violent behaviour and more...
You need serious help as of this week OP.
I can understand that your gf is struggling to cope with all your health issues, I think you maybe need to let her go and focus on yourself for now.
You know what, I think you both sound like you have some underlying mental health issues (or at least she has episodes of depression, you definitely have a mh problem that needs checking out). The good news, for you is that you are not the first or only person in the world who has heard a voice like this, and if you see the right people, they will not only not be shocked, they will be able to help you by working with you to balance out what you need (medication, counselling, sympathy, some people prefer to leave the voice there if it is benign which this one didn't sound at all).
If you get help for this, then a lot of your other problems will be easier to solve, because you won't be in this perpetual state of crisis and angst and so on, with the danger that you get tipped towards something like a psychotic episode.
Your girlfriend will then be freer to make some choices, with you healthier. You may also see that actually, she has probably chosen this other guy and that you don't want to be with someone who wants to be with someone else. Definitely she should go to Spain if that is her choice.
I think you should go to the GP, not just a relationship counsellor with this info, it's a great idea to print this thread. They can then refer you (if they think you need it) to a mental health team, not because you are in crisis now, but because you may be in the future and now is the time to stabilise. This will also mean if you feel yourself going downhill again, you will be able to go and get help from them rather than leaving it and it ending up in a big mess like last time.
Good luck with it all.
Me leaving her or my girlfriend leaving me isn't an easy decision to make, it would mean a life we have had together goes away, and also means we would have to rehome our dogs as well as I would have to find somewhere else to live because I doubt I would be able to afford to live in our current home by myself, and this is my Home, I don't have anywhere else
Agree you need to see your GP.
You also need to let your girlfriend go - it doesn't sound like a healthy or happy relationship for either of you.
I can't quite follow the finances of all of this - you said her parents bought the house you both live in? But you pay all the bills?
I think the important thing to focus on here is your health, OP. You need need to take some responsibility for this and make an appointment with your GP as a priority above all else. Anything else can wait.
Btw, if you are at all worried about being sectioned (I know sometimes that can stop people seeking medical help when they need it) , that is incredibly unlikely to happen. Just to reiterate, you absolutely must get medical help - no ifs and no buts.
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