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Why am I feeling so insecure in my relationship?

(6 Posts)
Anxiousanne01 Tue 09-Jun-15 11:04:07

Been with DP for 18 months now, I had a pretty crap childhood, adulterous parents resulting in numerous splits and custody battles etc, very precarious home life amongst a whole load of other stuff that I won’t go into. I know it affects me in day to day life, I had a few counselling sessions about a year or so ago which did help somewhat.

I have had a couple of crappy, EA relationships which have DEFNITELY affected me and my outlook on things.

Anyway DP is lovely, he really is. He is extremely kind and supportive and gives me lots of his time and generally makes me a priority in his life. However, the last couple of months I have become increasingly anxious, paranoid and insecure.

I have this horrible ‘gut instinct’ if you like telling me that our relationship isn’t right, that DP doesn’t really love me, that he’s constantly comparing me to other women or his exes (he hasn’t ever but it’s something I’m convinced he does)

Our relationship is ‘fine’ but it’s just that at the moment, ‘fine.’ There doesn’t seem to be much passion, we do spend lots of quality time together and go out and about doing stuff most weeks.

Sex wise, he is the best I’ve ever had (though I’ve had really crap sex before) he is pretty selfless and mostly his main focus is making me happy but I’m really struggling with low libido atm so it often takes me ages to ‘get there’ and I end up getting a bit bored (and he probably does too) We have sex anything ranging from once to 4 x per week, depending on how much we see each other and other factors.

There is never any lovey dovey texts or flirting/sexting, I have tried to instigate both but it’s almost like he doesn’t really ‘get it?’ Lovey dovey stuff he will say ‘Miss you too’ or ‘love you too’ and occasionally he’ll instigate one of those, but anything sexual, not a chance really. It’s very perfunctory all the time. He is a very measured and laid back person in general, which is one of the qualities I love about him after my hysterical, highly strung and controlling ex. However, sometimes it comes across like he doesn’t care, or that he’s just pretty apathetic towards me and our relationship.

I’m not 100% sure where our relationship is going tbh, there’s been no real talk of us moving in together or anything like that, he has mentioned it numerous times but that’s it, there’s been no date set or timescale or anything. On the one hand this suits me as I like my life at the moment and having 2 or 3 nights apart each week to do our own thing and we haven’t been together that long to be fair, on the other hand, it’s quite stressful splitting my time between 2 locations and houses and also there is an element because there is no set timescale for us to move in together of, is he actually committed to this relationship at all? Does he see it long term?

Also, just stupid little things like recently there has been a few tagged photos of us together and he hasn’t approved them on his timeline, his profile picture is one of us 2 on holiday so it’s not like he’s trying to hide me per se but he has approved lots of other stuff and purposefully not approved those.

I think the sex thing would improve if he (we) injected a bit of passion into the relationship, I LIKE regular lovey dovey texts, I like sexting, I need that in order to feel an emotional connection with someone and want to have sex with them. At the moment it’ll be us two sitting on the sofa having a kiss and cuddle and after 3 seconds him saying ‘Let’s go upstairs’ or whatever, unfortunately that isn’t enough to get me ‘in the mood’, if we’re kissing and cuddling for 10-15 mins and things get steamy, that’s fine, I’m ready to go then, or he if he would start by earlier on in the day sending me sexy texts or something, again that would help, but it’s never anything like that. The sex is always perfunctory. There’s definitely a lack of passion there.

I love spending time with him, I love him and want to be with him but I don’t feel overly secure and happy at the moment and I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s something more underlying with me or whether it’s all the above just ‘dampening the flames’ if you like. I hate coming across like a needy, high maintenance GF as I’ve never been that, but all of my exes (even the controlling, hysterical ones) have been pretty passionate about me and the relationships, I’m not sure whether in comparison he just comes across as a bit more indifferent or whether he actually is.

I have broached all of this with him, but he insists there’s nothing wrong, he loves me, is enjoying being together etc, but I think in order for me to be happy and secure I want a bit more ‘loving’ if you like. AIBU?

onlyif Tue 09-Jun-15 11:19:12

You need to tell him all this not us, easier said than done, I know! Maybe try writing him a letter with the above in.

SadieSanchez Tue 09-Jun-15 12:44:55

I think sometimes when you are sitting back and waiting for the other person to do what you want in order to feel loved, you forget to do those things yourself because you are distracted by observing and waiting to see what they do.

Have you tried treating him how you want to be treated? And maybe plucking up the courage to take the lead on a few things?

If you're snogging on the sofa and he suggests going upstairs after three minutes, say "no not yet" and carry on kissing him passionately, grab his bum, have a bit of a gripe and after a bit say "now we can go upstairs!" I bet he'll quite enjoy that!

I think sometimes you have to accept that some people are not as verbal about their lovey doveyness and it might be hard to engage him in those kind of text messages.

But when it comes to sexting what happens...? Do you send him a dirty message and he ignores it?

As for the Facebook thing, ask him why? And if he has mentioned moving in but not pursued it, is it because he is waiting for you to pick it up and engage about it? Why don't you instigate another conversation?

There's nothin stopping you from trying to spice things up and inject a bit more passion again with date nights etc. After 18 months it does take a bit of effort to keep it going. Maybe you are both just taking it for granted a little bit.

It sounds to me like he does love you, but if you are feeling insecure you might not be looking after the relationship yourself either. Obviously, he needs to put effort in too but if you are the one that is unhappy, maybe you should et the ball rolling?

SadieSanchez Tue 09-Jun-15 12:45:58

grope not gripe!

Definitely don't gripe at a time like that!

LadyBlaBlah Tue 09-Jun-15 12:54:33

You are in new territory. With a nice guy who loves you.

This is how they work. They are not high octane living on adrenaline, they just feel good and 'at ease'.

There is nothing in your post to be of any concern. He sounds perfectly normal.

But your defacto style is drama and adrenaline (not by choice i know!)

Talk to him. Tell him you feel insecure. See what he says - from what you post I am sure he will try and reassure you. Then you can start to learn to reassure yourself.

The 'Passion' you have previously experienced is not real passion. It is drama laden hell - you know that. Tuning into authentic relationships takes time so try not to let these thoughts overrun you - use the evidence you have - he prioritises you, speaks to you well, respects you, etc.

Anxiousanne01 Tue 09-Jun-15 14:51:27

Thanks for the responses, I think some of them are spot on. No, I haven’t really instigated any of the stuff I want and don’t necessarily treat him how I would like to be treated. I will try doing more of everything I want and see what happens.

Yes, I agree it could be that I’m just so used to drama, that anything easy going comes across as not very passionate.

I do think I’d be happier though if we started talking in a bit more of a concrete way about the future. I don’t think I’d be happy if it were 2 and a half years and we were still in the same position.

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