Splitting the married pot

[MoonlightPicnic]

I've been married for nearly three years and living together for five. We have a DS of just under two. DW has been back at work for about six months. She earns about £800/1000 a month and often works out of the country on weekends during which I'm the sole carer for our DS. I earn about £2000/Month. The problem is I've always been the one who pays virtually all the bills and now DW is back at work I really need her to contribute financially. if I'm honest if I was better off it wouldn't worry me, but I've been fighting debt and have recently agreed a plan with my creditors via Stepchange so finances are difficult. I feel very anrgy that DW knew this was coming, but whenever I tried to discuss this she got highly upset and bought up my "failings" when it comes to the household chores . Now our lovely DS is too big for the one bedroom pond we're living in and the financial pressure is mounting....any help would be great!

[Joysmum]

I'm a firm believer in all invome being household income and all necessities coming from that and any excess after regular savings being divided equally and transferred to individual current accounts so both have equal disposable income.

Anything else to me isn't fair.

[QuiteLikely5]

Do not be offended here but £800 pcm does not seem a very high wage for working full time and abroad most week ends.......

Have you seen the payslips?

[MatildaTheCat]

Agreed.

However, does she have a point about the household stuff?

[Hassled]

If she's not contributing financially, what happens to her wages? Does she realise how bad things are?

[MoonlightPicnic]

The £800 is for hours classified as part time. She works as an Air Hostess.

I wouldn't say i was too bad at the household stuff (and I'm my worse critic). I am greeted with a sink full of washing up and full garbage bags not taken out when I get home from work however.

[Hassled]

So you think she's not contributing as much as she could, given her earnings, and she's withholding funds because she thinks you're not pulling your weight (although you think the reverse is true). If you are past the point where you can sit down and discuss this all calmly and rationally, then I think you need something like Relate - get a third party involved.

[MoonlightPicnic]

Thank you Hassled.

I wouldn't say she was withholding funds because she feels I'm not pulling my weight, she just uses it as a distraction technique. I've mentioned going to counselling, but she just won't have it.

[professornangnang]

All family funds should be shared. I think her expectations are very unfair.

[kittybiscuits]

You said virtually all the bills. What does your wife pay?

[MoonlightPicnic]

Hi Kitty,

She buys some shopping.

[kittybiscuits]

Some shopping. ..the odd loaf of bread and a pint of milk? The whole family weekly shop? Who buys toiletries, clothes, pays for childcare if there is any? Who buys Xmas and birthday presents?

[MoonlightPicnic]

I must say she has one big expense namely about £200 month towards the part ownership of a stables with her Mum and Sister. The thing that really gets me is that she's always made sure thats paid each month whilst I'm left to go cap in hand to my creditors.

[YonicScrewdriver]

It is illogical for you to be paying high interest rates if that could be avoided.

Have you discussed having a single joint account? Have you sat down and budgeted? Can she ask for her mum and sister to eg contribute more to stabling instead if buying her birthday and Xmas presents?

[MoonlightPicnic]

Well about £100 worth covering baby bits and food. the rest is me.

We've reduced the buying of prezzies.

No we cover the childcare between us( as Grandparents aren't well and mine live some distance away..) If she flys on a weekday I'll take holiday time from work to cover...In fact besides work I've only been away from DS for three hours.

I know this all makes me sound like a sad case, but It's really stressful.

[YonicScrewdriver]

I doubt you can afford the stables any more TBH - I assume the household income is down and the costs up since your baby was born. But you may both need to cut back on things, a budget is needed.

[UnsolvedMystery]

I don't understand how relationships can work like this.
You are a family and all do you bit to contribute to that family.
All income should go in together, all bills, debts and expenses should be paid out of that pot, whatever is left over is spending money.
Housework should be done by both of you according to who is around to do it at the time it needs doing.
You need to have an open conversation to agree some of the basics here.

[MoonlightPicnic]

Thanks Yonic.

This is what I tell her and she doesn't really enjoy it so much these days, but she feels entraped.

[YonicScrewdriver]

Trapped by her family?

It's not rocket science she'll have less money now. She can talk to them, explain she tried to make it work but now needs to step back so they can find someone else or sell on their stable slot.

[MoonlightPicnic]

I'm not sure it is working Unsolved.

I agree completly with what you say.

[MoonlightPicnic]

It's a strange situation Yonic.

Her sister owns a third, but has expanded her "collection" to 9 of the 11 horses there. So she'd have to get stables elsewhere at a much higher cost. It's an obsession.

[HerrenaHarridan]

Wait, these debts you've got, what are they from? Personal spending before you were together, joint stuff after you got together?

This stable she is in on, how long has she had it, is she tied into a formal contract?

Are you seriously telling us she does the food and stuff shopping but only spends £100 a month?

[MoonlightPicnic]

I'm afraid I get the debts by just trying to hold the household finances together. prior to meeting my DW i had an old style student loan. A debt of about £4000, now it's nearer £30,000.

I've asked her about if the contract is legally binding, but she isn't sure. The £200 or so is just handed over to her mum. I suspect the agreement is in her sisters name as I believe she remortgaged to get it in the first place. I've tried to get the full picture of the agreement, but I just a brick wall.

No It's a fair bit more then that I top up the shopping and stuff myself.

[PigletJohn]

what is "an old style student loan. A debt of about £4000, now it's nearer £30,000?"

Are you in the UK, and do the repayments vary with your income?

Or do you mean an overdraft or personal loan you took out when you were a student, from a bank?

[Bogeyface]

I think he means that at the start of the relationship the only debt he had was his student debt of £4k and now he owes £30k (presumably on credit cards) because he has been borrowing to cover basic household expenses.

So lets say she brings in £800 a month and pays out £200 a month on stabling. £100 goes on bits and bobs, so where is the other £500 a month going?

[annatha]

Its a difficult and sensitive situation but you can't go on like this. Sit down and work out your monthly outgoings as a household, then personal outgoings such as the stables and your debts (although if your debts have increased as a result of you trying to keep the family afloat, they are shared debts IMO) and see where that leaves you. If you earn more its unfair to expect a 50/50 split but she can't leave you in the lurch with debts and paying majority. Even if not for your sake then for your Ds. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing that my dh had crippling debts while I had money sat in the bank. We're a married unit and while I'd want to make sure it's consolidated and getting paid off as effectively as possible, I'd help with whatever I had and expect him to do the same for me.

When you talk to her about it I'd try and leave housework out of it and focus purely on money, it's too easy to fall into a blaming game and distract you both from the matter in hand.