How to compromise on wedding day...

[Slimmerforsummer]

Dp and I want to get married.

If it was up to me it would be a registry office with 2 witnesses and our 2 daughters. I don't want engagement ring or big party or in any way to be the center of attention it makes me extremely uncomfortable and I'm likely to stutter a lot ( even in groups of 10 friends) and a panic attack is possible if there's more.
If it's a tiny wedding I don't think my friends or extended family will be upset they weren't invited. My parents did what I want to do, then had dinner with their parents afterwards, so I think they would be ok.

He thinks we should invite extended family. His side alone would be 35 people. Then of course I'd need to invite mine (around 30 inc cousins but tbh, most wouldn't fly over here with their young kids anyway, so maybe 15) and if it's that size then we should invite our close friends, adding 2 for him and 10 for me which includes my friends children.

60 people just feels like a lot to me. I won't look forward to the day.

He says he will compromise by not buying an engagement ring and he's happy with a v casual party after ( no speeches, bouquet toss etc) but I think if you are having a wedding with 50 guests you can't just go to a regular restaurant for nice relaxed meal. You need to put on a bit of a show, don't you? :(

So, I suggested as a compromise - parents and siblings (& partners&kids) only. That's 4 on my side and 12 on his side. It's stretching my comfort zone but it's doable. We can hire the small room in the wee pub a few doors down from registry office and have a nice sit down meal.

Should I just "suck it up"? How to compromise on this...

Dp and I want to get married.

If it was up to me it would be a registry office with 2 witnesses and our 2 daughters. I don't want engagement ring or big party or in any way to be the center of attention it makes me extremely uncomfortable and I'm likely to stutter a lot ( even in groups of 10 friends) and a panic attack is possible if there's more. I also hate the thought of spending a fortune on one day when we could use it to take the kids away on holiday of a lifetime and do work to the house. Sensible stuff!
If it's a tiny wedding I don't think my friends or extended family will be upset they weren't invited. My parents did what I want to do, then had dinner with their parents afterwards, so I think they would be ok.

He thinks we should invite extended family. His side alone would be 35 people. Then of course I'd need to invite mine (around 30 inc cousins but tbh, most wouldn't fly over here with their young kids anyway, so maybe 15) and if it's that size then we should invite our close friends, adding 2 for him and 10 for me which includes my friends children.

60 people just feels like a lot to me. I won't look forward to the day.

He says he will compromise by not buying an engagement ring and he's happy with a v casual party after ( no speeches, bouquet toss etc) but I think if you are having a wedding with 50 guests you can't just go to a regular restaurant for nice relaxed meal. You need to put on a bit of a show, don't you? :(

So, I suggested parents and siblings (& partners&kids) only. That's 4 on my side and 12 on his side. It's stretching my comfort zone but it's doable. We can hire the small room in the wee pub a few doors down from registry office and have a nice sit down meal with the family members we actually see more than once every 3 years.

Do I just have to suck it up? Am I just being miserable? I don't know!

[PuellaEstCornelia]

Why not have a small wedding and a big celebration party later? No speeches etc, just a first dance and a buffet?

[Slimmerforsummer]

Whoops! Double pasted and made that look reaaaalllly long!

[Slimmerforsummer]

Would you (in theory) travel from England to NI for a reception? About 60% of the people he wants to invite would be flying over, getting accommodation etc.

[Pixa]

Small wedding, bigger celebration later? We had eight day time guests and sixty in the evening. Perfectly small, intimate ceremony.

[780539gjg]

Whether or not he thinks you're being 'miserable', it needs to be a day you will enjoy. There's absolutely no point having a wedding if you're going to have to endure it! You need to come up a compromise that means you can both actually enjoy the event. Suggestion above of just getting married at reg office by yourselves, then maybe a separate informal party with as many people as he likes, but no speeches or anything that involves people looking at you?

[Anniegetyourgun]

DB had a tiny registry office wedding with immediate family only, followed by a rather quirky event and party a couple of weeks later. So they didn't feel self-conscious saying the real vows in front of a load of people, and didn't feel constrained to be "traditional", but in the end nobody got left out. I did similar with mine but both on the same day: nobody got invited to the wedding, everybody got invited to the reception.

[Slimmerforsummer]

I guess it's more common than I thought then! I've never been to a wedding without speeches, but as DP pointed out, no one goes to a wedding for the speeches! I cringed my way through last one and I didn't even know the couple ( relatives of DP!)

[Marmaladybird]

We recently got married in a local hotel - had a small civil ceremony there (5.30pm) drinks and photos then invited evening guests to come straight after which was around 7pm and had a BBQ at 7.30 for everyone. No speeches or bouquet tossing, just a party for 60-70 people which was really lovely.

[PoppyBlossom]

I feel just as you do op, and it makes me uncomfortable that I may be coming across as if I have to get my way, but honestly do not want a wedding. If the only option I have to marriage is a wedding with more than max 4 people in attendance, I just think it won't happen. To me, the prospect of a wedding/marriage is something that's very intimate and private, in the same way being in bed with your other half, it's not something I believe needs an audience.

[honeyroar]

We didn't have speeches at ours. We had mums, dads, brothers and sisters and families (two families of four in total) and our best friends and their partners to the ceremony and a meal at a restaurant, then everyone else that we wanted for a party at night.

Your wedding shouldn't make you stressed but it should be what he wants too. A compromise is the way forward.

[Slimmerforsummer]

I feel so relieved at these replies! Thought I was gonna be told to man up a bit.
Will chat to him more about the big party idea. I do love throwing parties (as long as I'm in the background!) so that part isn't bad. :)

[eurochick]

Some friends had a registry office do with just witnesses and then a reception with friends and family. Would that work? You wouldn't gave to say your vows in front of peopl but your husband could get the party he wants.

[eurochick]

We had no speeches either. We chose to stand up and say some thank yous but could have sent cards afterwards. And I don't think I have ever seen a bouquet toss in all of the weddings I have been to!

[PuellaEstCornelia]

We had no speeches - my husband did stand up and thank everybody ' on behalf of my first wife and I' (sigh) Mind you we've been married 22 years, and I'm still his first wife......

[Melonfool]

I wouldn't mind being called his first wife, I'd def mind him saying "and I", I'd annul the marriage!

[Slimmerforsummer]

I caught bouquet at last two weddings! Told do it was a sign. A year later still not much closer!

[Zillie77]

We had what was considered a small wedding, with around fifty guests. It was very elegant but informal, if you can imagine it. I had a traditional wedding gown and my husband wore a tux. We had our wedding in a church and had a meal afterwards at a private club. My bridesmaids wore their own dresses, there was no matching of outfits or anything like that. There was no assigned seating, and everything felt very relaxed and casual. There was no bouquet throwing, no dancing, no speeches (well, maybe the best man gave a brief one) just some nice classical music piped in from overhead and meals served by wait staff. We did not worry about linens or centerpieces, we just used what the club normally had on its tables. My point is that having 50-60 guests does not have to turn a wedding into a big production. The main thing for me would be the expense. Do you want to spend the money on guests?

[zipzap]

I went to a wedding that was just immediate family and a meal in a nice restaurant afterwards. Then in the evening they had a party for friends and wider family - didn't mention anything about a wedding. Half way through, for pudding a big white square cake was brought out. Somebody joked it looked like a wedding cake... Well, said the groom, can I have your attention please - xxx is right - it is a wedding cake - dp and I got married today and you're here to celebrate with us this evening...

He hates doing speeches too, they didn't want a big wedding nor did they want presents or fuss. So they announced it at the party. Other than a 'we're very happy we've finally done this' and 'Please join me in raising your glasses to toast my bride' that was pretty much the sum total of the speeches too! So very little public speaking needed and they had fun springing it on everyone - plus didn't need to have any presents from people which they didn't want. 5 minutes later the groom was back in the kitchen doing some washing up where he was happiest being out of the limelight again

[zipzap]

Oops forgot to say - that it strikes me that having a small wedding and then a party afterwards where the wedding is announced as a surprise sounds like it would suit you perfectly too!

[Slimmerforsummer]

Zillie I wouldn't mind up to a point! i know you can do weddings on a budget. Yours sounds lovely, relaxed and low hassle.

Zip- I REALLY LOVE that idea...but not sure how we could get 35+ people to fly from England to be here for a random party. Might not sound special enough to turn up to, then if they don't come and find out it was a wedding party they might be cross?!

He's home from work now. Will give him 20 mins to unwind before I relay the wisdom of mn to him.

[PuellaEstCornelia]

And personally I'd do without the big wedding but I'd want the bloody engagement ring! (smilry thing!)

[Slimmerforsummer]

Ok, so he says actually he would rather have a big wedding and no reception... :(

Puella - I don't wear any jewellry at all. Wedding ring will be plain thin silver band!

[honeyroar]

Sounds like he needs to do some compromising..

You could get married somewhere abroad where not many could afford to go.

[HootyMcTooty]

I know a few people who have struggled with this and settled on a small registry office wedding with parents and siblings only, then a big party afterwards. Most did speeches, but they were informal and, as the bride, nobody will expect you to make a speech unless you want to.

[Slimmerforsummer]

Hmm. Not sure he would go for that as it's still me getting my way!