Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I hang on or give up?

(37 Posts)
Suzukiconfused Mon 08-Jun-15 17:00:36

Hi I'm so totally confused and need some clarity.

I split from my husband over a year ago and have two children aged 13 and 4. I started seeing a man I had known on line for a number of years previously (he was nothing to do with the break up)

He has been living apart from his wife for 6 years now after finding out she had had an affair. He stayed for 5 years after finding out then left as he turned 40 and from what I can gather had a breakdown.

When we met he told me he wasn't sure he would be able to love anyone again but about 3 months on he told me he loved me. However he still pays his wife's mortgage (they have a 20 year old son) as he says he didn't want them having to move to a "hovel" he says he loves her but isn't in love with her, will always care for her and make sure she's ok. But he's never go back to her. I've met all his family including his son (who didn't speak to me) .

He wouldn't tell them (wife and son) about me for 6 months. At which point they both fell out with him - that has blown over now and both talking to him.

My problem is he will not discuss us moving in together in anything but vague terms. He says he is happy with life as it is and wants to do things slowly. He says he sees us moving in together but not this year, next year or possibly even the year after but that it will happen. We only see each other once or twice a week depending what we each have on. He works 12 hour shifts 4 days a week with 4 days off. I'd like to see more of him.

When pressed he states that he worries about providing for his son, he's a firefighter and will get a good lump sum at 50 (5 years time) and he wants to make sure his son gets that. At present if anything were to happen to him everything is paid to his son.

He asked his ex wife to prepare the house to sell just before Xmas last year, they have done a few jobs on it but it's kind of ground to a halt and he says he doesn't mind if it sells next year he's in no rush. He's also said he will not take any money from the sale of the house it will all go to his wife so she can buy another and pay off debts they had together.

I'm at the stage where I've had a year of not knowing where the relationship is going. I've wIted so long to find someone I really love after a 16 year terrible relationship and when I've finally found someone he's stalling and dragging his feet.

My question is. Am I mad to hang on and see if he finally moves forward with us or am I completely stupid. I'm wrapped up in knots. Logically I understand his reasons but a part of me thinks he'll never make the jump.

Calm detached sense needs talking to me!

Lovingfreedom Mon 08-Jun-15 17:03:28

Blah blah blah...he's not wanting to move in with you and he's not wanting any commitment.

Suzukiconfused Mon 08-Jun-15 17:06:18

Yeah. I guess that's the top and bottom of it.

Suzukiconfused Mon 08-Jun-15 17:06:59

So I'm stupid to hang on?

JeanSeberg Mon 08-Jun-15 17:08:18

Do you have to live together though? Could you not just date whilst enjoying your time apart and maintaining your independence?

0x530x610x750x630x79 Mon 08-Jun-15 17:09:20

if you want more than a casual relationship then yes

SoozeyHoozey Mon 08-Jun-15 17:09:20

Give up. He is telling who he is quite clearly. His son is a grown man but he speaks as though he is still providing for a child. I don't think he'll ever move on from his wife if he hasn't after six years.

Suzukiconfused Mon 08-Jun-15 17:09:48

I could date but I've dated him for a year now. I love him, I'd love to be with him more.

Suzukiconfused Mon 08-Jun-15 17:10:47

So I'm not being unreasonable to want a commitment?

StonedGalah Mon 08-Jun-15 17:13:10

Well he's not ready for you then. He's been honest with you so you only you can decide if you're happy to stay as things are or to move on.

Suzukiconfused Mon 08-Jun-15 17:14:56

I just don't know if I should take the risk of hanging on. What is the likelihood he is going to move on if he's not done it so far? I guess that's what keeps running through my head

Lovingfreedom Mon 08-Jun-15 17:15:07

Moving in with you is not a priority of his...depends how important that is to you. You could still love each other in separate houses. But if you want live in then it's prob not with him (not at moment anyway)

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 08-Jun-15 17:16:00

Neither of you are being unreasonable but you both want different things.
And yes, it sounds like he isn't over his ex also.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 08-Jun-15 17:17:21

And he's told you he doesn't want to change the situation for at least 3 years if I've read that right?!

At least he's being honest that it's not what he wants. Listen to him.

Suzukiconfused Mon 08-Jun-15 17:19:37

Yes he always tells the truth even if it's not what I want to hear. I sound like a pathetic teenager but I miss him I'm practically pining for him and can't understand why he won't move on. I think maybe I better just leave him to it

Finola1step Mon 08-Jun-15 17:20:38

Hold on a minute...
He has told you that his wife had an affair, that he stayed, had a breakdown and left. He continues to pay the mortgage on the family home despite dc being an adult. He wants to sell the house and is happy to give all the money made to the wife. Something's seriously off here.

It is either one of two things. 1. You only have half the story. Or 2. He suffers from "good guyitis". In that, I mean he has a strong need to be seen as the good guy by his son (fair enough), by his wife and by those who know them both.

Why? So that if she decides she loves him again, she will take him back?

Suzukiconfused Mon 08-Jun-15 17:29:43

Yes I have often wondered that but everything he's told me has panned out to be true thus far so I can only assume good guy itis. He worships his son and still calls him the baby, I don't understand his commitment to his ex and neither do his friends. He admits himself people don't get it but that's just how he is. I do wonder what's at the back of it. He says his wife was extremely remorseful but that although he tried to get past it he just couldn't and left after 5 years of knowing

Cancookdontcook Mon 08-Jun-15 17:35:44

Why is he giving his adult son his lump sum when he retires? That's very unusual. As is letting his wife keep the proceeds of the house sale with nothing for himself. There may well be more to this that you don't know about.

It sounds as if he is far too attached to his ex and family to move on.

Lovingfreedom Mon 08-Jun-15 17:37:40

Too attached to his family?

0x530x610x750x630x79 Mon 08-Jun-15 17:40:38

So I'm not being unreasonable to want a commitment?

you are being unreasonable, as he had simply and strongly told you it is not what he wants. I want it to be sunny every day from June 1 to September the 30th but i live in England so am being very unreasonable to really want anything other than... well the weather we get.

Cancookdontcook Mon 08-Jun-15 17:41:39

He calls his 20 year old adult son 'the baby?' Sorry that is not normal.

Suzukiconfused Mon 08-Jun-15 17:42:02

Sorry to clarify if he were to die the lump sum would go to his son...when he retires he wants to give him a smaller amount

Suzukiconfused Mon 08-Jun-15 17:45:36


I didn't say I wanted to force him to make that commitment I simply asked if I was being unreasonable to want it from a relationship. The point of the post isn't to force anyone to do anything they don't want to it was to try and clear my head and understand if I should be moving on or giving it more time.

APlaceOnTheCouch Mon 08-Jun-15 17:46:14

Give up. flowers

You don't want the same things and it's a fool's errand (as my DM would say!) to try to plan a life on the hope that something might change in the future.

For whatever reason, his commitment and loyalty lie with his ex. He's ensuring her financial stability. He's committing to long-term plans to support her. In contrast, he won't give you a firm commitment at all. It's not good enough.

You want to see him more. You want commitment. He's not able to give you what you want so don't settle because ultimately you could waste another 3 years waiting whilst he pushes the 'moving in together' deadline back further and further.

GoatsDoRoam Mon 08-Jun-15 17:48:09

He's a Mr Unavailable.

Those guys say things like : "I'm not sure I can ever love anyone again"; "I will always love my ex". And they dither and refuse to properly commit to you. While being so full of feelings and soulfulness and vulnerability that you think they are genuine and lovely blokes who are just a bit hurt at the moment and so you should hang on for them.

You shouldn't.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now