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I think I might be ending my relationship 3 months before my wedding

(111 Posts)
Alicialflorrickshair Mon 08-Jun-15 15:45:37

Crap crap crap sad name changed for obvious reasons

DP says that he doesn't feel he can marry me. He has developed feelings for a much younger work colleage over the last few months. We have been together 8 years and are supposed to be getting married in September. No DC.

My feelings haven't changed, I'm still as in love with him as I ever was. He says he still loves me too and still wants to be in our relationship but doesn't feel like he can marry me whilst he has feelings for someone else. I've told him that if we cancel the wedding then it is probably over for us completely as I can't see myself being able to get over that however pathetic that sounds.

Everything booked and paid for, mainly going to be letting down small local suppliers which is even worse.

I'm early 30s and also don't feel like time is on my side in relation to meeting anyone else and starting a family. I really don't a want this to be happening.

We have spent the whole weekend crying and talking about splitting up but it doesn't seem to be what either of us want. I'm convinced these feelings are in part a stress reaction from him, but he has panic attacks at the thought of the invitations being sent out so I doubt he is going to suddenly come round.

What a fucking mess.

fourquenelles Mon 08-Jun-15 15:50:33

Holding your hand OP. My immediate reactive advice is that you both need some time apart to allow you both (but especially your DP) to reflect on the way forward. Someone wiser will be along shortly.

battenberg123 Mon 08-Jun-15 15:52:04

Oh gosh what a shock and a massive head spinner - I really hope you're okay.

Do you think he has got cold feet and now that's why he's suddenly developed feelings for someone else? What was the relationship like before the wedding planning etc? Was it a joint decision to get married or was there pressure from either side?

Massive hugs and brew

Georgethesecond Mon 08-Jun-15 15:52:53

Can you go to counselling together?

LineRunner Mon 08-Jun-15 15:55:24

What a head fuck. Has he said that he doesn't want to be having these feelings?

Really sorry flowers

ThePartyArtist Mon 08-Jun-15 15:57:44

So sorry you're feeling this way.

I have been in a similar position of thinking of calling the wedding off at 3 months' notice. I found it so hard to shake off the feelings of shame, letting people down, what will people think etc. - but as mumsnetters told me, don't worry about keeping up appearances, it's the marriage not the wedding day you need to think about. You can find ways to explain / make excuses to people if you do cancel / postpone the wedding - not everyone needs to know about it so please don't worry about that side of things.

I would also recommend Relate counselling IF he expresses a want to change / address the problem. It's a good way to get things in perspective with the help of someone not connected to keep things civil, logical etc.

Is there a friend you could stay with in the meantime if you need some space?

AuntieStella Mon 08-Jun-15 16:00:29

cake

Have you any idea from all your talking if he has cold feet and a rush, or does it run deeper than that?

Either way, I advise you strongly not to get in to the 'pick me' dance.

I suggest that you tell him that the situation is intolerable to you, and that you need time to get over the shock and assimilate the new situation. Ask him to move out to give you the time and space to do your thinking. Explain that it is important you don't make decisions when in a state akin to shock, and that you need some recovery time.

Do you have confidantes in RL?

PickledPorcupine Mon 08-Jun-15 16:03:04

Absolutely what TheParty said, you need to be thinking about the marriage and not the wedding day.

This must be so horrible for you OP. Can't imagine what you're going through but it's better that he is being honest with you even though it must be very painful.

Alicialflorrickshair Mon 08-Jun-15 16:03:23

It Was a joint decision to get married but no proposal which he has also said he feels guilty about (although it doesn't bother me at all) and is one of the things he sees as being 'wrong' about us getting married.

The relationship was generally OK, we rubbed along, own a house together but perhaps have been very busy in our separate careers for the last few years and have neglected each other a bit emotionally at times. Usual stuff.

We are at that point in the wedding planning where we either need to start cancelling things or get on with finalising plans and sending invites. Not really time for counselling basically either it's happening or it isn't!

I've offered to leave and make it easier for him but he starts crying at any mention of us splitting up or me leaving and saying that isn't what he wants and so we continue to go round in circles.

The Woman at work is also in a stable relationship and is aware he has feelings for her. She doesn't reciprocate them. They spent a lot of time with each other around February when I was away with work and they were both grieving for family members and spending a lot of time having coffees and chats at lunch.

Alicialflorrickshair Mon 08-Jun-15 16:05:58

Yes he says he wants to get over these feelings and just be happy with me. But he is in the throws of a crush basically and quite rightly (he is an extremely moral person) feels it would be wrong to marry me while he has these feelings.

expatinscotland Mon 08-Jun-15 16:07:51

It's all about him.

I'd honestly rather parent alone or co-parent with a gay man or platonic friend than be with and procreate with such an immature, selfish person as he is.

Alicialflorrickshair Mon 08-Jun-15 16:07:52

You are all being more sympathetic than I expected. I was expecting a chorus of LTB. But I can't.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Mon 08-Jun-15 16:08:16

My reading of this, is that he has got massive cold feet, and doesn't want to marry you. However, he doesn't want to be the bad guy that calls off the wedding, so rather than doing to decent thing and ending things, he's trying to get you to make the decision, and therefore the one to do all the ringing round family, suppliers and so on.

This is the rest of your life. If his head isn't so full of you that there is no room for anyone else 3 months before your wedding, then where are you going to be 5 years and two children down the line? Snooping his phone and email for confirmation of the affair your gut already knows is happening.

End it, and tell people the reason why.

My heart goes out to you, but don't let your biological clock trick you into making a bad choice.

Alicialflorrickshair Mon 08-Jun-15 16:09:04

X posted with expat shock

goddessofsmallthings Mon 08-Jun-15 16:09:29

Does his much younger work colleague return his feelings?

Tell him to leave and don't have any contact with each other for the remainder of the month. If he's of the same mind at the end of June, there'll still be plenty of time to cancel the arrangements

Use the time to think very carefully about what the future may hold if you were to marry him as it's probable you can expect similar 'stress reactions' involving other women at all of those times when you'll most need his support.

As for time not being on your side - NONSENSE!!! Numerous women here and in rl didn't meet and marry their dhs until their late 30's and had/are still having dc well into their 40's.

TheOldWiseOne Mon 08-Jun-15 16:10:24

Yes he says he wants to get over these feelings and just be happy with me. But he is in the throws of a crush basically and quite rightly (he is an extremely moral person) feels it would be wrong to marry me while he has these feelings.

you are being too generous to him.....

Alicialflorrickshair Mon 08-Jun-15 16:11:02

Yes biological clock.... Not getting married feels as much like making a choice to never have children at the moment

tallwivglasses Mon 08-Jun-15 16:18:01

I had my first at 32 and the second at 40. You still have time. Respect yourself and have faith. Do you really think that if she'd reciprocated he wouldn't be having a full-blown affair right now, nice decent guy that he is and all that?

Rebecca2014 Mon 08-Jun-15 16:18:28

I do agree couples counselling but yes looks like the wedding a no go. I am sorry but what is worse, marrying this man and then few years down the line he leaves? or stopping the wedding and seeing if this relationship can go anywhere.

You are still young so please don't freak out.

AuntieStella Mon 08-Jun-15 16:18:42

If he knows that she doesn't reciprocate his feelings, then he's been a lot closer to her than you knew at the time.

You are accustomed to thinking of him as a decent guy, but these actions do not show that at all. They show someone who is being massively selfish. It's not a crush, it's an attempt to forge a whole new relationship, which has been rebuffed at some stage (how far?) and now he's selfishly dumped it all on you. what on earth did he expect you do to?

Is he looking for a new job?

sonjadog Mon 08-Jun-15 16:18:53

If it weren't for your biological clock, would you really want to marry a man who was crying over having feelings for another woman three months before your wedding? Is this really good enough for you?

I don't know if you should break up or not, but I suggest you cancel the wedding and take it from there. I can understand that breaking up seems to big a decision to make right now, but you can cancel the wedding and take that pressure of you while you decide.

expatinscotland Mon 08-Jun-15 16:21:12

'you are being too generous to him.....'

By far. My divorce was finalised when I was 30. No kids. I thought it was the end of my chance to have children. It was only the beginning once I was able to find someone mature. This guy sounds the type to string you along as he's 'not ready' and then leave and end up having children with a younger person when you are in your 40s. And yes, I had one of those after my divorce. You think I'd have learned! He didn't have his first until he was 41 and his second at 43. We were the same age. It would have been too late for me. I had my 3rd at 37.

Start putting yourself first here. He already does.

momtothree Mon 08-Jun-15 16:21:21

You sound like a very compassionate woman. All talk of his feeling etc what do you want? Him or children or both. Lots of great men out there. Have friends who met married and had kids in a year, so dont be worrying about that. Pack a bag,.leave a note and take some space, turn the phone off, and clear your head, and decide what you want
It is not your job to council him on his feeling for someone else.

NoelHeadbands Mon 08-Jun-15 16:22:53

I know you think he's very decent and moral, you could well be right- you know him, we don't. But I think there is an element of cowardice here, and I think he is treating you badly.

The decent thing to do here, would be for him to take the decision and postpone the wedding, whilst he sorts out his feelings and deals with his grief. What he's actually doing is shifting the responsibility to you. He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy who called off his wedding.

NoelHeadbands Mon 08-Jun-15 16:25:18

Sorry just seen Alibabs had already made the same point, only better.

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