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How long did it take you to realise that taking him back after the affair was wrong?

(74 Posts)
Dead Mon 08-Jun-15 14:47:18

I wanted to fix it - so does he. We are 10 week post DD. I still want to fix it but am finding it v v hard emotionally. Not sure I can do it. Is there a time frame once the dust has settled that you get some clarity as to what is the way forward?

Reginafalangie Mon 08-Jun-15 15:51:10

Couples counselling can help. You have sessions alone too so that you can freely discuss how you feel and so can he.

I don't think there is a time frame, rebuilding the trust can take a very long time. I suppose it also depends on the affair itself such as how long/who with/was it physical or emotional.

Lotsofponies Mon 08-Jun-15 16:02:46

10 weeks is still very fresh, I am 7 months on and still having big ups and downs. I found posting on here, researching and reading helped. There are lots of internet help sites and resources, Dear Peggy is useful. I found the book Andrew G Marshall How will I ever forgive you useful, I know a lot of people like Shirley Glass Not just friends. The thing to remember is you don't have to make a decision yet. Most sources quote that it takes at least 2 years to come to term with an affair, in the sense that it no longer caused distress/pain. Some people state there relationship can become stronger and better, but it will always be different and the scars will all ways be there.

doublechocchip Mon 08-Jun-15 16:58:02

You have my absolute sympathy. I was going to post almost the exact t same thing today except we're only 3 weeks past me finding out. I'm having an angry resentful day today. I'll be following this thread for any other advice. It's so messed up i hate being in this situation and wish I could turn
back time.

BloodontheTracks Mon 08-Jun-15 17:02:11

This is still very early days as other say above. The most important thing is not to brush under the carpet or to decide out of fear. The betrayed much detach first before making the decision so that it motivated by clarity not fear and the cheater genuinely knows they were and are willing to walk away, to rebalance the power in the relationship and have them experience real loss. Without this in my view, taking back is a sticking plaster under which the real wound festers before emerging a few months or years later.

If the decision has been taken in such a way and the betrayer is committed wholly to rebuilding with all that involves (complete openness, understanding of the other's pain) it is still normally two years since the last lie before a sense of normality is regained.

Lovingfreedom Mon 08-Jun-15 17:07:41

Took me a few months then I had an epiphany at 4am, sat up in bed saying to myself 'I don't have to put up with this'. Signed up for individual counselling (CBT) to decide whether or not to end marriage. Answer was yes and I've never looked back. grin

Dead Mon 08-Jun-15 17:28:09

He is being over the top and a bit desperate in the constant saying I love you stuff - he wants me to say it back - I can't and feel bad and under pressure as I can't say it, as I don't feel it.... I don't want to tell him that I don't love him - I don't know what I feel.

He says he is committed to rebuilding, we are having counselling but he sometimes gets agitated and impatient when I ask him questions -- "I have told you again and again and again ...." Not this again... " etc. In his perfect world it would be swept under the carpet as it makes him feel sick - he wants to "move on" asap.

Interesting milestone "the last lie" -- as we have had plenty of those post DDay - he minimised everything - left loads out - but a month in OW kindly emailed me to give me a blow by blow account. Even then with a gun to his head he still did not come out with it all - "forgot stuff" - that he thought she would not have written about.

Will keep reading and trying to understand - maybe having a bad day today as feeling v negative about the future. Feel that I don't know who this person is at all.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 08-Jun-15 17:32:40

Sounds to me like he's not interested in fixing it, more making sure you get over it and quickly.

notarehearsal Mon 08-Jun-15 17:46:19

Six months. Exdh had 'agreed' to no longer have contact with the OW but refused to discuss what had happened or how it left me feeling. One day I just felt very clear that I was worth more than this pain, even though I was still very much in love and told him to leave. He was gone like a shot within minutes, even after having been together for 20 years. We never lived with each other again but amazingly he bumped into OW the same day and he moved in with her!

Dead Mon 08-Jun-15 17:47:12

Yes he wants me to get over it asap - so do I - what does he need to do to fix it? Is it just time? I feel guilty that I am not getting over it which leaves the ball in my court to end the marriage which I feel I can't do. But this feels like being buried alive. Maybe I should just take off on my own for a week away to clear my head.

Dead Mon 08-Jun-15 17:49:28

So she was there in the background all along - or did they strike a deal for her to wait for him? That is just hideous.

Charlesroi Mon 08-Jun-15 17:56:16

TaliZorahVasNormandy is right, I think.

And, as he broke it, he should be the one fixing it. Expecting you to say you love him after a) shagging someone else b) lying about it c) lying about it some more until confronted with the evidence AND d) refusing to discuss it. Sheesh, the man is a fucking idiot.

I might be tempted to say that I need a break from him and his self-serving neediness. That I don't love him at the moment. That I only love people I can trust and I don't trust him.

I know it's very easy for me to say get rid but a break may help you decide what you want. I'd put good money on the fact you don't really want (very) damaged and unreliable goods.

DirectorOfBetter Mon 08-Jun-15 18:02:52

I'm sorry but given what you've said, your husband is not behaving like someone who really wants to fix it. He just wants to paper over the cracks and wants you to shut up so he can forget all about it. The trouble is that that's not going to work in the long term. He doesn't even have a clear understanding of exactly what he's done by the sounds of it. And he doesn't want to understand either or fix the problems with his own personality that led him to do it in the first place.

loveareadingthanks Mon 08-Jun-15 18:11:13

If he really wanted to fix it properly, instead of just having you shut up about it, he would have done a full disclosure, answer all your questions however many times you ask them, and understand it's a long process for you. He just wants it to be easy and for you to shut up and pretend it never happened. I don't see that as committed to working on this.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 08-Jun-15 18:13:08

If he really wanted to fix your marriage, he'd do anything to do so. Being sorry means being open, honest and willing to talk about the bad stuff no matter how awkward it is.

He isnt wanting to fix this by doing those things, he wants you to shut up and be quiet like the good little wife. He wants to ignore your feelings, question and tears because he doesnt care enough to acknowledge them.

Your marriage cant be fixed unless he is willing to shoulder the blame for breaking it.

BloodontheTracks Mon 08-Jun-15 18:49:15

Dead, his contempt for you is the reason this is failing, not your inability to get over it. I am afraid he has to hear things 'again and again and again'. Also he needs to be completely honest and open with you. I think his behaviour is not indicating someone able to repair a marriage and he needs to address this.

Annie34 Mon 08-Jun-15 19:15:08

I took my cheating DH back week last Saturday. It was 7 weeks after I'd found out about his affair. He turned up here two weeks ago saying that he wanted to try and he still loved me, he loved me more than the OW, he missed me and the kids etc. I told him to leave exactly a week after he moved back in after he told me 2 days after moving back in he still had feelings for OW and he missed her and spent a majority of the time pining for her. I was getting over the worst of it before he claimed his "undying" love for me and now I'm back to square one! I'm know plenty of couples get through it but if the cheater isn't willing to do everything to make it up to you and be completely honest it won't work. I sat down with my DH one night last week and said I wanted to know everything about their affair his reply with tears in his eyes was "I can't talk about it, it's still too raw" pathetic.

MissMarianHalcombe Mon 08-Jun-15 19:17:44

My first husband (long since divorced) had an affair which I discovered in the December with OW from where he worked. We split but I took him back the following April. I made him change employer (I know, I know) by the June he had started an new affair with another OW from new place of work. I found out in the July, I kicked him out and never saw him again. We had been together 11 years. But clearly he wasn't sorry, not even sure why he begged to come back. Your DH could be completely different but the fact that he gets "agitated" isn't a good sign. He needs to accept that the right length of time is whatever time you need, and that could be a long time or perhaps even never if you find you can't move past this and he doesn't accept absolute responsibility for his despicable actions.

BloodontheTracks Mon 08-Jun-15 19:51:26

The agitation will either be because he can't bear to see his action reflected back at him and how awful he has been (bad sign, this is completely necessary for him to address his character flaws and understand the depth of your pain) or because the affair is not really over and he is still in touch with her and he feels guilty and nervous about being caught out (even worse sign).

He needs to be completely open with all his communication and passwords with you. It is normal to feel awkward and shitty talking about his misdeeds but agitated does not read right.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 08-Jun-15 20:08:28

It doesn't sound to me as if he wants to fix it OP. It sounds like he wants to forget it - and for you to forget it too

BeyonceRiRiMadonna Tue 09-Jun-15 00:51:36

Dead I think the key to you "getting over it" is HIM being transparent, patient and honest, something he's not really doing. It will take time i.e. patience, real effort from both of you to gain back the trust, but he should be jumping through hoops to make it better for you and not rushing you.

I hope you reach a mutually beneficial solution.

weekendninja Tue 09-Jun-15 01:20:19

I realised deep down immediately that I should never have taken him back. I just didn't have the courage to tell him to leave. He's now on affair number two and is leaving the family home in a couple of weeks.

Do what is right for you. I based all of my decisions the first time around on everyone else. Not this time.

gg321 Wed 10-Jun-15 23:43:51

Dead, I don't have any advice but want you to know you are not alone, I'm 5 weeks post finding out and the feelings you and I and too many others go through are simply awful, I hope things improve for u soon x

doublechocchip Thu 11-Jun-15 07:29:29

Would anyone be interested in a support thread for all of us who are in the situation of finding out about an affair? My emotions are just all over the place, I could do with a place where people are in a similar situation. I've seen a marriages in recovery thread but I don't know if that is the path I'm taking.

It'll just be more for the day to day struggles of how we're feeling?

CactusAnnie Thu 11-Jun-15 07:44:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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