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This isn't normal/healthy is it? (or is it?!!!)

(51 Posts)
choccycornflakecakes Mon 08-Jun-15 13:52:11

Recently started seeing someone I've been in a relationship with previously. We split up because of various pressures/circumstances at the time.

He likes to be in contact every day with a call/text as its a LDR. I fell asleep pretty much after doing DC's bedtime last night so didn't respond obviously to texts/calls. He stropped. Not the first time he's done this; he says he feels like I'm ignoring him (which he hates).
This isn't healthy is it? there's more to the history and don't wan't to drip feed, but I think it would be helpful if I could analyse whether this in itself is not quite right IYSWIM.

Newbrummie Mon 08-Jun-15 14:00:11

Did you say goodnight to him ? I like to do that and would feel a bit peev'd if I didn't get a goodnight and we are only 40 mins away

whothehellknows Mon 08-Jun-15 14:00:22

It doesn't sound great that you can't be occupied for one night without him getting moody about it.

GoatsDoRoam Mon 08-Jun-15 14:05:22

He stropped. More than once. Over something completely excusable and beyond your control.

Is this the kind of partner you want?

Do fill us in on the rest of the story here.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 08-Jun-15 14:08:43

Did he continue to strop after you explained? If so, then you have a potential problem.
If, once you'd explained, he calmed down and was apologetic for being over-reactionary, and then doesn't do it again, I'd say no problem really.

TokenGinger Mon 08-Jun-15 14:27:24

I used to get peeved at my ex if he didn't wish me a goodnight. But that was because I didn't trust him, knew he was cheating and on those nights where my messages went unread and unanswered, I knew it was for the wrong reasons.

Has your DP had bad experiences that might make him feel this way?

With my current DP, at first I felt a bit sad if he didn't message goodnight, but I soon realised he isn't the type for communicating unless it's functional - I.e. What time are we meeting, what shall I pick up from the supermarket etc. So I just kind of got used to the fact that he'd message once at work saying, "You good babe?" As my good morning. And then just felt an "Aww" when he did occasionally text me goodnight.

Maybe just have a talk with him instead of writing it off. For some people, good mornings and goodnights are very important.

Joysmum Mon 08-Jun-15 14:30:35

It's not healthy that he doesn't appreciate how tired you are and feel for you that this is case, rather than seeing this as a rejection of him.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 08-Jun-15 14:41:32

What exactly do you mean by 'he stropped'? DId he strop in a call or was it by text?

Do you wait for him text you before replying? Is there any reason why you couldn't have sent him a text along the lines of 'I'm off to bed now - sweet dreams' after you'd put the dc to bed and knew you were gong to hit the sack yourself?

FreakinScaryCaaw Mon 08-Jun-15 14:46:03

How did he strop? Is he a sulker?

AlternativeTentacles Mon 08-Jun-15 14:50:29

I fell asleep on the sofa last night. My OH woke me up after an hour saying 'your programme is on in 10 mins'. If one of us doesn't answer a text when one of us is away - we text 'night - speak tomorrow'. That's the sort of thing adults will do. Whiney stroppy arseholes will strop and sulk.

BertieBotts Mon 08-Jun-15 14:55:46

I don't think it's healthy to strop over things at all.

LadyBlaBlah Mon 08-Jun-15 15:01:45

I have a non cohabiting relationship and we text goodnight every night.
If that pattern were to break (which on occasion it has for both parties) then you do look for an explanation.

An explanation though, not a strop.

It's usually "fell asleep" and we all move on.

choccycornflakecakes Mon 08-Jun-15 15:21:51

I didn't say good night, only went for a quick lie down, didn't expect to sleep through, famous last words!!
My gut tells me that its 'normal' to question why you haven't heard from someone but not make assumptions and strop, which is in line with and the gist I'm getting from your posts (thanks for all the replies btw!).
He has trust issues; has made comments re: male colleagues.
We do love each other and I have chemistry with him that I haven't had with someone else, these childish strops are just so offputting however.

I've held back from integrating him into lives of DC (and even inviting him to hang out with us at all) because of that really, I'm sure he can tell I'm holding back.

I sent him a text to explain (following the stroppy one) and he text back 'told you I'm not playing games anymore. That'll be it then' except he'll make contact in a day or two..and I'll end up apologising and promising not to do it (ignore him) again hmm

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 08-Jun-15 15:23:38

If he's having trust issues with you about your male colleagues then back off now. Just not worth it, really not. sad

choccycornflakecakes Mon 08-Jun-15 15:26:35

The trust issues appear when I omit to tell him something. For example, I had a lift with a male colleague when it was an evening work thing. Not a jolly I have to say, we were actually working and I hadn't told him till the day I was working or getting a lift, he found this suspicious I think.
But you're right..I probably should back off!

GoatsDoRoam Mon 08-Jun-15 15:31:23

"I probably should back off"

What does this entail, exactly? What's your plan?

TokenGinger Mon 08-Jun-15 15:34:01

LadyBlahBlah - I completely agree. There have been times where I've shown concern over not receiving a text - eg DP was away last week and didn't text for two days; he didn't have wifi at the hotel he was staying at so only messaged me once he was on the coach on the way to the hotel and again on his way back to the airport. I'd text him to say, let me know you're alive, as opposed to being mad is not heard from him.

TokenGinger Mon 08-Jun-15 15:36:22

Oh lord. After reading your latest post, I really think you should call it a day.

"That'll be it then."

Very controlling. Don't do what pleases me and I will walk away. I think there's potential for him to believe that he becomes before your DC at some point. I'd back off!

choccycornflakecakes Mon 08-Jun-15 15:38:13

Erm..end it..or at the least explain and let him know this isn't normal/healthy/acceptable for me.

I don't know..this will probably sound really pathetic but I was feeling a quite lonely and getting fed up of being on my own.
But I already feel a little relieved..

choccycornflakecakes Mon 08-Jun-15 15:40:14

Sorry - didn't see latest posts!

Yes, I'm realising how controlling this is and also I do get the inkling that he thinks he's more important than DC. Never in a million.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 08-Jun-15 15:41:25

If you feel a little relieved at the idea of ending it, then you definitely need to end it. Your instincts were good - this is not normal/healthy, and you don't need this.

Good luck - you've now created a vacancy for the right person to hopefully turn up! grin

BitOutOfPractice Mon 08-Jun-15 15:41:36

I don't live with my DP. If I don'ttext goodnight he assumes I've dropped off. I might get a "Aww I've missed you. Sleep tight" text. But that's it. Any "that's it then" posturing from him would not be well recieved

Newrule Mon 08-Jun-15 15:41:55

Is there room to be more courteous towards him? I would find your omissions annoying. If my husband omitted to tell me he was going to a works thing I would not be thrilled. If your partner has trust issues then I can see the potential for him to read much more into your omission. Can you not be more sensitive towards his limitations? If you were in his shoes, how would you like to be treated? Would you not want open communication? Even to forewarn him that you are tired and likely not to respond to his messages. Is there no more you can do to help the situation or is he asking too much of you? Only you know.

expatinscotland Mon 08-Jun-15 15:42:20

End this. He is controlling. That is the last thing you and your children need in your life.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 08-Jun-15 15:44:57

Newrule that sounds like the thin end of a very worrying wedge

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