I'm a bit wary of posting this. I know there are lots of posters who have children with ASD or Aspergers, and I'd like to be clear that I'm not somehow attacking people who have these diagnoses, or lacking in understanding of them. There is almost nothing out there for NT children of AS parents, only a Wordpress blog that seems to have closed, and I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I don't know anyone else in this situation.
My parents were abusive and as an adult I eventually went NC with them for the sake of my mental health. I do not think I am just clutching at straws trying to explain my childhood; I would bet my kidney that my father has undiagnosed AS or ASD. I always used to think: it's like he is autistic. I just never made the leap to thinking he actually was, because I suppose I assumed someone would have picked it up.
I'm absolutely not saying having an autism spectrum disorder means you are going to be abusive or treat other people badly; however I do think the way it manifested in my father has been very damaging for me.
The main symptoms/traits he seems to have are:
- Mind blindness / lack of theory of mind. He has never been able to grasp that anyone else has different thoughts or feelings to him. When I was a child he sometimes looked after me alone and would just give me toast instead of a proper dinner because he was happy with that. He couldn't comprehend that I might want something different.
- He thinks if something upsets or confuses him everyone else will feel the same. And that if not, ditto.
- Not understanding how I could know things he didn't. Often asking how I knew about things that are common knowledge.
- Repeating the same stories and jokes over and over. It's as if he'd learn a joke was funny and tell it over and over expecting it to have the same effect. Some of these stories reflect very badly on him but he doesn't see this.
- Speaking to people in an incredibly patronising way and not understanding why they take offence. He was in hospital for a while a few years ago and several nurses with non-UK accents thought he was being racist as he kept asking them to repeat what they said as they weren't speaking clearly; he is actually a bit hard of hearing (which should have been better flagged up to changing staff) but it sounded like he was saying they weren't speaking English properly. He understood why they thought he was racist, and he didn't mean to be, but he kept doing it, even though he was given suggestions of better ways to say it.
- He has also been known to ask people if they have ever heard the phrase "that's not rocket science", and be confused and annoyed when they think he's being patronising.
- Not understanding what is and isn't an appropriate topic of conversation, eg wanting to talk about finance at a child's birthday party.
- Not understanding sarcasm, hints or social cues. Not understanding why some things might be embarrassing. Behaving in absolutely socially excruciating ways.
- Not understanding teenagers. If ever I slammed a door he would ask, genuinely perplexed, why I was trying to damage the house.
- Over-attachment to objects. He was obsessed with safety and would unplug all electrical appliances at night. But they had a leaky kettle that leaked boiling water on my hand, resulting in hospital treatment, and he wouldn't get rid of the kettle and got angry when he was asked to. He also wouldn't get rid of a TV that was a fire risk.
- Meltdowns. I don't know how else to describe them. The worst one was when I took the video out of the video player without asking and the counter reset.
- Asking unknown callers "how did you get this number" and grilling them to a ridiculous degree. My uni housemate once phoned my parents' house by accident instead of my mobile; she was trying to get hold of me to say she was going to hospital with an injured back. My dad spent ages asking questions about how she got this number and expressed no concern about her injury.
- Worked in a field with a very high proportion of people with autism. Was made redundant and never got another job as he had no practical, social or interpersonal skills.
Before I went NC, I tried mentioning the possibility of AS to my mother and sibling. My mother was extremely resistant to the idea at first, then said it might be worth looking into. My sibling said: that's just OCD (no, he has OCD but it doesn't explain everything else) and wouldn't it have been picked up (not necessarily!) and what's the point in a diagnosis anyway, what difference would it make.
I didn't mention it to my dad, because I have long since given up trying to have a relationship with him; not because I am some heartless cow but because he is so unpleasant and angry and difficult that I had to withdraw.
My dad did some awful things to me in my childhood, which I'm not going into because it's possible there's enough detail here to out me; suffice to say there was abuse, and I went NC partly because of that. Maybe I'm just desperately searching for answers as to why my parents seemed to love me and think well of me yet treated me very badly without seeming to realise that they were.
I realise that's the case with a lot of abusive parents who don't have AS, but...
My mother, I'm not sure about. She seems to have some traits of narcissism, and also some autistic ones; I just don't know. I have had to bow out of the whole thing, not because I am horrible and selfish but because their behaviour was so toxic and damaging that I was on the verge of a breakdown.
My sibling is the golden child and is very invested in the whole family being good and perfect; I am pretty much NC with them too as they were very unsupportive and unhelpful about the issues I was having. They originally suggested I go NC but then freaked out when I did and turned flying monkey on me. They also did some other shitty things including telling other family members I was in therapy when I had made it clear this was confidential.
Anyway, as it stands I am NC. I think my father has AS; I think he would have had a much better life, as would his family, if this had been picked up. I don't know what can be done now though. I've thought about writing to him and suggesting he try to get diagnosed; I don't feel able to phone him because I'm terrified of the verbal abuse I'm likely to get. I don't know if it's something that could be dealt with in an anonymous safeguarding referral, as he has contact with my sibling's children. I'm not saying undiagnosed AS is automatically a safeguarding issue, but in this case it may be.
I suppose I have a fantasy in which he gets a diagnosis, has autism-informed counselling through the NAS and actually changes. I'm sure he would be happier and less frustrated. But that's not going to happen, is it? I feel like I am the only one who sees this. It is driving me a little mad.
I don't think I am jumping too quickly to AS. I have thought for years that he seems to be autistic. I don't think I am attributing traits of narcissism to AS; it's quite hard to discuss it with anyone as people sometimes say I'm just looking for excuses for him being an asshole, and I don't think that is what I'm doing.
Please don't tell me how unfair I'm being not speaking to him. He has done some fucking awful things in the past that I haven't detailed here and it's not a failure of understanding on my part. But I feel guilty knowing that he probably has this, and that nobody is doing anything to help him get diagnosed, and I don't know what I could do about it. I could write to his GP, but he has had the same GP for years who has failed to pick this up and has missed other very serious things in the past but my dad won't change GP as he can't handle change.
I am aware of the Stately Homes thread and post on there sometimes (under my usual name, have name changed for this) but am not sure people who know about AS would look on there.
Any advice would be welcome but please don't criticise me for going NC.
) - I have forund the likliehood she is AS helpful only in that I stop expecting her to change - I deal with her as best I can and have a moan to DH when she gets on my nerves. She is hundreds of miles away which is a good thing and a shame at the same time. 
Have pointed out its actually an insult to him but he doesn't see it.